This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i married a penguin

I’m sick.  Yeah, it’s true that even though I NEVER get sick, I am sick right now.  I blame my husband.  You see, he likes to sleep with the windows OPEN, even in winter.  So he sets the thermostat on 65 and then opens the window and I spend the night freezing my ass off.  It seems that I married a penguin.  Ordinarily I don’t mind being married to a penguin because at least he looks good in a tux, right?  But now I’m sick…and whiney…and no one, absolutely NO ONE in my family gives a shit.

Normally I sleep with a heating pad to keep my core body temperature up in the 90’s because hypothermia just isn’t my thing.  But occasionally, even that doesn’t work.  So now I’m sick.  

When I met Kevin I lived in New York City and of course, I had radiator heat.  What that meant was my apartment was usually like a tropical rain forest and the minute I walked into said apartment, I divested myself of all my clothes and wore gym shorts and a t-shirt.  I mean, there was no regulator that I ever figured out so it was fucking hot in there.  I met Kevin and he lived down in the Atlantic Highlands and I started visiting him at his place and apparently, my future husband and his roommate literally didn’t believe in heat.  It was always fucking freezing in there. Seriously in the 50’s sometimes.  I would bitch up a storm and they’d start using the heater which I’m pretty sure they didn’t even know they had. So all was good until we moved into this house.

I don’t know what it is about this house but no matter how many times we try, we can’t get the heat and air conditioning system regulated. There are hot spots and cold spots.  To keep the bedroom cold, Kevin turns off all the vents into our room in the winter so that I freeze.  It’s also cold in the rest of the house and basically we wear Polartec all day.  Upstairs in the bonus room where the kids hang out it’s also freezing, but their bedrooms are warm.  Now I’m no engineer but something’s rotten in Denmark with our HVAC system.  Unfortunately, once a system is designed by morons, only morons can maintain it.  They of course can’t figure out what ails the system so basically we alternately freeze and roast depending on what room we’re in.  All the rooms we don’t give a shit about are perfect and the ones we hang out in are a mess.

So I spend my life freezing; even in the summer because as a penguin, my husband hates to be hot.  We are the single biggest contributor to the global warming crisis and the AC is set down around 66 in the summer.  It’s no small task to keep a house this cold in the middle of summer in North Carolina, and yet, we prevail. 

I’m writing this and I must say that right this minute I’m cozy.  That’s because I’m wearing Polartec and Uggs, Kevin’s at work so I turned the heat up, and I’m in my office which is one of the “warmer” rooms in the house.  One day soon you’ll no longer see a new blog post and you will know that I died of hypothermia the night before.  Don’t worry about hypoxia though, I’m on the bottom floor of the house.

I’m just saying…

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18 Comments

  1. Samantha
    December 31, 2010

    I would die being that cold. Do you have a snuggie? ;)

    • Lynn
      December 31, 2010

      A snuggie? Hahaha…no fucking way!! But I do have a heating pad…and I have a backup heating pad too!

  2. Theresa Sonoda
    December 31, 2010

    Gosh, I’m up early. And I’m reading blogs early. I MUST be sick, too! Oh wait, I come to your blog for the giggles. Allfookedup and coffee works wonders for my outlook and general well-being…….so thanks for that. I know you’re sick and all, but your fans need their fix.
    So you like it hot huh? Geez, my partner and I used to fight about the thermostat all the time. I like it cold and she likes it hot and she’s wrong. Anyway, we don’t fight anymore because we’ve been together 13 years and just don’t have the desire or energy. I merely flip the thermostat down (for cold) when I walk by and she flips it up (for hot….which is wrong) when she walks by. We never speak of this, but the flipping goes on throughout the day. Sometimes, we get really creative and do another kind of flipping……you know, the one in which I flip her the finger, and vice versa.
    Terri
    Seriously, hope you’re feeling better soon!
    :-)

    • Lynn
      December 31, 2010

      Hahaha…well, I don’t need to be hot per se. I just need a modicum of heat in the house and that doesn’t mean 60 degrees. We have worked it out although I do wake up freezing occasionally. We don’t fight anymore either.

  3. ragemichelle
    December 31, 2010

    Ha!! We are the exact opposite. My husband is always too cold and I’m always bitching about how hot it is..

    Seriously though, I do feel for you. I’m rarely cold..but when I am, it’s quite the unpleasant feeling. Wouldn’t want to feel that so often.

    Maybe when your time comes, the hot flashes will be welcome?

    • Lynn
      December 31, 2010

      Come and gone…no hot flashes! I have a heating pad and tons of polartec sweatshirts…plus blankets…it’s all good

  4. Cheryl
    December 31, 2010

    My husband is the same way. He wants the window open and the ceiling fan on. I’m always freezing, too. Our HVAC isn’t screwed up . . . the house just doesn’t hold heat. So we pretty much own the gas company in the winter. Maybe I should buy stock . . .

    Hope you are feeling better soon! Oh, and go get yourself a beanie hat to keep your heat in.

    • Lynn
      December 31, 2010

      Excellent news…I am feeling better…and today it’s supposed to be 60 degrees so i should survive the night as well now. I must say, our gas bill isn’t too, too bad as we don’t use much heat. People always walk in the house and ask why it’s so damned cold though. The summer, however, is very expensive…keeping the house that cold.

  5. Kimberly
    December 31, 2010

    I’m also going to suggest some of those fingerless gloves? And wool socks…and a scarf…or maybe your own apartment? I hate to be cold. I’d have to live elsewhere.

    • Lynn
      December 31, 2010

      i just bundle up…always socks and sweatshirts and lot’s of yummy blankets. I could live elsewhere but then my husband and kids would miss me… i think…i hope…i ASSUME! hmmm, maybe not!

  6. Nicki
    January 1, 2011

    I am cold 24/7 but it isn’t because the house is set too low. I have zero iron in the blood. My poor hubbie boils in bed because I have the heat at 72, I am wearing footie PJ’s, micro fleece sheets and a comforter!

    Happy New Year!

    • Lynn
      January 1, 2011

      OMG!!! My husband would die if it was that warm in the house. I wonder why you’re so cold!! Stay warm!

  7. Posh Totty
    January 2, 2011

    Happy New Year Xx

    • Lynn
      January 2, 2011

      thanks…you too!

  8. Alecia
    January 3, 2011

    I would hate a freezing house but my husband would be in heaven. In college, I kept my room ridiculously warm, like 78-80 degrees and my roommates called it Jamaica and cursed our power bill. Now my husband and I have a bit of a compromise between too hot and too cold but because the windows in our house are paper-thin and like 90 years old, our house doesn’t regulate very well either. If only new windows didn’t cost a fortune!

    Get well soon!

    • Lynn
      January 3, 2011

      I’m feeling better now so thanks! His opinion that it’s easier to stay warm by adding layers than to cool off. There is some logic to that so i suppose, if that’s his worse trait…i’ll keep him.

  9. Lil Pixi
    January 4, 2011

    Oh, I CANNOT take the cold. I spend my entire FLA vacations freezing my ass off, walking around the house in hoodies because my mother & her brother hate to be hot. #KillMe

    LOVE the title. lol

    • Lynn
      January 4, 2011

      You are so damn cute! My kids bitch about freezing all the time.

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