This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Annie Boreson

 

Today’s guest on Go ahead, amuse me is Annie Boreson and here’s what she has to say!  Hope you enjoy her and check out her blog!

I’m a mother of three girls…all grown and scattered. Remarkably they still speak to me, even though I write about them A LOT. Last April I married my best friend, who was playing in a jazz club in Seattle the night we met. For five years we endured a long distance relationship until one day I tossed everything in the back of a U-Haul and headed south. Next…I have to mention my folks…a treasure trove of writing material there! My dad was one of the first guys on TV in the Northwest. Spent 18 years on the screen entertaining kids. It was a strange way to grow up because most of my friend’s dads dressed in brown suits and headed off in their Chryslers to the Boeing plant. Whereas my dad left the house around 9, dressed in a loud jacket and plaid pants, carrying our family Bassett hound, “NoMo” (short for NO MOTION) from the heat vent to the backseat of his Caddy. The dog always wore costumes too…usually four high-top Keds tennis shoes and some crazy pimp hat. For both man and beast it was a cross between a golfer and Liberace. Sure there were perks having a Bassett hound as a bread winner…like we were on the A-list with Old Yeller, Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too…and as my dad liked to remind me… “Without the dog, my teeth would look like God threw them down with his bad arm.” (Thanks for the braces, NoMo!) Still, I couldn’t help feel a little awkward at times. I guess it’s like being introduced to the family of the guy who invented the paper clip. Once you make the initial connection and say “Boy, they sure come in handy! What made him think to twist it that way?”…it all goes downhill fast. Hopefully this blog piece won’t disappoint and if you’d like to read more of my blog, I’d love to see you over at  Annie Off Leash.

 

Now, before I get carried away again, I would like to give a special thanks to Lynn for allowing me to guest blog today. What a treat!

New Year’s Resolutions 2012

 

 

First of all, for the record, in an attempt to unshackle my inhibitions…I wrote this post naked. It seemed like a logical choice at 3AM, but as day broke I noticed the four college lads who had moved in across the street seemed keenly focused on my sunlit sagging assets. I quickly burrowed into my Snuggie, dousing the frat-boy thrill seekers “AARP CHICKS GONE WILD” moment…Then I called my mom to wish her a Happy New Year.

 

“Do you have any 2012 resolutions to report?” I asked, knowing that this is one of her rituals every January 1st.

 

“Well,” she lamented, “I’ve decided to go under the knife and sink my floating hernia once and for all. What about you?”

 

“I’m going balls out this year. It only seems right with the Mayan’s predicting the end of the world on the 21st of December.”

 

There was a moment of silence before she screamed into the phone. “The 21st? You can’t be serious. EVERYONE knows that’s the day of our annual Christmas party. It’s been the same date for 30 years!”

 

“Well Mom, I suggest you change it to the 20th unless you don’t mind “no-shows” and a helluva lot of leftovers. But look at the positive…at least you won’t have to clean up.”

 

“Oh for crying out loud,” she said, “No one is really buying this load of crap, are they? A bunch of doom-and-gloomers building pyramids in skirts who probably busted their chisels while whittling a new wheel?”

 

“Mom, the Mayans calculated the exact duration of a year to a thousandth of a decimal point. They had a highly developed understanding of the cosmos.”

 

“So they knew stars… BIG DEAL.” There was a long pause and then she added with resign, “Damn those Mayans. And to think this year the 21st  lands on a weekend.”

 

And that was pretty much how the conversation played out. When I got off the phone, I stared at last years list of predictable resolutions. Hardly courageous or life altering.

 

1.  Shed some pounds.

2.  Laugh more.

3.  Release sadness.

4.  Accept that technology is here to stay.

 

No doubt about it…the list sucked. I licked my pencil and began again.…this time with an urgent sense to step up my game (starting with a shot of tequila.)

 

New Year’s Resolutions 2012

 

1.  Become a standup comedian

2.  Get a nose ring

3.  Make a porn flick

4.  Crash the Playboy mansion and lap dance on Hugh (if I can wake him..ewww!)

5.  Skinny-dip on the Great Barrier Reef at midnight during that time of the month.

6.  Get a tattoo shaped like a barbed wire thong.

7.  Do ‘shrooms with George Clooney and Ecstasy with Adam Levine.

8.  Find Jimmy Hoffa, DB Cooper, and anyone else who’s missing.

9.  Go hunting with Palin and Bachman and their stash of semi-automatic assault rifles. (Very accurate according to Michelle!)

10. Embrace my past lives, starting with Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, and Marie Antoinette.

11.  Breakfast with PeeWee Herman, lunch with Tom Waits, and dinner with Marilyn Monroe (will require some divine intervention)

12.  Skydive naked while singing “Blew Bayou.”

13.  Rock climb a Himalayan peak without ropes.

14.  Run a gauntlet of Pitbulls dressed in pork chop panties. (Might sell tickets to this event!)

15. Enter every junk food eating contest I can find.

16.  Perfect the act of inducing vomit. (See #15 above)

17. Streak a Professional Bowling championship.

18. Skateboard blindfolded down Filbert Street in San Francisco.

19. Spend the night in an active volcano wearing a grass skirt and coconut bra, sucking down frozen margaritas.

20.  Publish a book….naked. (OK…this time I’m kidding. Or, at least I promise to have my clothes on for book signings.)

 

Wait a blasted minute…who am I kidding? I’m not going to do ANY of this stuff. But I guess what I want to say is…let’s all try and stir it up. Whatever you’ve dreamed of doing…DO IT! Allow the imagination to run like free-range chickens before the slaughter!  Remember…there is nothing wrong with being naughty AND…nice!

 

My promise to you? I’m going to take more risks with my writing…(clothing optional.) In the meantime, let’s pray that the Mayans were just a gregarious bunch of hucksters with ultra vivid imaginations … instead of snubbed visionaries hell-bent on ruining my parents 2012 Christmas party!

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

 

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

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17 Comments

  1. Tobin
    January 5, 2012

    Annie, as per usual, you’re awesome. Though a little preoccupied with the “clothing optional” lifestyle in this blog…are you a closet nudist? Which is funny, because that’s where most clothes are stored…in the closet. Ah well, what does it all matter, what with only having 352 days left before The Big Mayan End.

    Thanks for the laugh.

    • Annie
      January 5, 2012

      Thanks Tobin! I may seem a little fixated with stripping down, but it’s hard to take yourself too seriously when you are looking at a critical mass. Maybe I am a walk-in closet nudist…I like that!
      Annie recently posted..Going Rambo on the Resolutions!My Profile

  2. Name *
    January 5, 2012

    Oh Annie! This was too much. This has got to be the best list of resolutions I have ever seen! Enough inspiration to write a post (albeit fictional perhaps) about each and every one!! Happy New Year to you and thanks for the laugh on this blustery Canadian winter morning :)
    Name * recently posted..Christmas traditions that suck …and some that don’t!My Profile

    • Annie
      January 5, 2012

      That would be fun to write a post on each of these resolutions…definitely fiction. Great idea, Astra.
      Annie recently posted..Going Rambo on the Resolutions!My Profile

  3. Julie
    January 5, 2012

    I am all over #7!!!!

    • Annie
      January 5, 2012

      Julie,
      I think that is my favorite one too. Either experience would be well-worth the dirty stares from my kids! Thanks for the comment, Julie.
      Annie recently posted..Going Rambo on the Resolutions!My Profile

  4. Miss Annie V.
    January 5, 2012

    LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!!! (And heading over to your blog as I type as I’m the muti-tasking QUEEN like that!) I must say I was genuinely impressed with your mom’s spunk in being annoyed with the damn Mayans as opposed to joining the hoards of those in utter fear of our imminent demise ;)! I think my resolution shall be to take a chance on that guy who listed a newspaper ad inviting adventure-seekers to join him in his time machine JUST so I can go visit those Mayan pests and give ’em a piece of my mind on your mom’s behalf! HA! Love your writing and I shall be following you from a safe distance (my OTHER resolution is to be wary of pesky restraining orders!)! Cheers!

  5. Pamela D Hart
    January 5, 2012

    ROFLOL! Good think those are “fake” resolutions, I was getting ready to rent a plane and go find Amelia Earhart…naked!

    I’ve got to check out your blog for more laughs, you ARE awesome!
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..I Gender-Branded A Beanie Baby!My Profile

  6. Annie
    January 5, 2012

    Pamela,
    Amelia Earhart is a good one! Thanks for the nice comment!

  7. Jennifer June
    January 5, 2012

    I ❤ You Annie Boreson and if you decide to go ahead with the whole running of the drag queen Pitbulls let me know. I’m there.
    Jennifer June recently posted..On The 12th Day Of New Years…My Profile

    • Annie
      January 5, 2012

      Glad to know I can count on you, Jennifer! It’s still in the planning stages, but if it ever gains momentum I’ll be in touch. Thanks for your wonderful comment. So fun to meet new bloggers.
      Annie recently posted..Going Rambo on the Resolutions!My Profile

  8. Name *
    January 5, 2012

    A porn film shot on the Himalayans while wearing nothing but a coconut bra! That should take care of a few in one swoop. Then you could do the book based on your experience. Just mindstorming. Happy blogging New Year Annie and Fook Up.

  9. Annie
    January 5, 2012

    Renee, I think you are on to something! I hadn’t thought about combining resolutions, but I’m up for anything. Maybe it might work to take the Ecstasy with Adam Levine while skydiving and he can sing “Blue Bayou.” I’m guessing from that perch we may just find Jimmy Hoffa or good ol’ DB Cooper. The sky’s the limit in 2012! Thanks for the visit.
    Annie recently posted..Going Rambo on the Resolutions!My Profile

  10. Laura@Catharsis
    January 5, 2012

    Annie, I love it! I also love your obsession with the Mayans. You really are worried about this, aren’t you? Guess I better get on that whole making my dreams come true and stuff. Not much time left. And pork chop panties is still my favorite resolution this year, hands down.

  11. Annie
    January 6, 2012

    Laura,
    Yes, I guess I do have a landfill love affair with the Mayans. I’ve studied them for the past fifteen years…waiting for this year to arrive like a traveler in a foreign land struggles with irritable bowels. Maybe Henry Miller summed it up the best…”For a hundred years or more the world, our world, has been dying. And not one man, in these last hundred years or so, has been crazy enough to put a bomb up the asshole of creation and set it off.” So, I’m just using the bloody Mayans as a tool to kick my arse in gear and do something big…like try on those pork chop panties and pass a few Pitbulls before they take me down!

  12. Cyril Spratling
    February 2, 2012

    Wow, what a video it is! Actually fastidious quality video, the lesson given in this video is in fact informative.

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