This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
Go ahead, amuse me Ann’s Rants
Today my guest is Ann Imig who blogs over at Ann’s Rants.
Ann started inflicting her humor upon your internet in 2008–on her blog annsrants, and on various sites (McSweeneys, College Humor, BlogHer, FunnyNotSlutty, etc). Babble just named her a 2011 funny twitter Mom, and they’ve never even seen her spoon thumbs! In 2010 she founded the national Mother’s Day live reading series “LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER” slated for ten cities across the US in 2012. She has a husband and two boys and promises they are not an afterthought–the kids especially. That would be impossible as they are constantly in her face and fighting for her computer dioyuawgerj tg
Dear Wife
(A response piece to my last post entitled “Dear Husband”)
Dear Wife,
Please write this on my behalf, as you already interrupt me, finish my sentences, and speak for me on a regular basis. Below please find a partial list of things I should’ve told you thirteen years ago:
In my late twenties, I will decide that black is my favorite color and all I want to wear. I’ll decide you look best in black too. As a testament of my love for you, I will present you with a short-sleeved black t-shirt for your 30th birthday gift, when you are 2 months postpartum with our first child. I will quickly realize your tears do not express joy.
You might not recognize my brand of perfectionism. It involves procrastination. In fact, at some point you suggest making me a t-shirt that reads “Not At This Particular Moment” as it will become my motto in life.
No, I am not mad at you.
I am not thinking anything.
Nothing is wrong.
I’m happy to cuddle with you, but Jesus Woman, I have my limits. Same with back-scratching and talking. Eventually I will need to get up and move around—like after two hours.
I heart leaf blowers. I will see you gesticulating furiously at me, but thankfully I will not hear you over the roar of my foliage rocket. I cannot help myself. There are some things a man has got to hold on to.
In my early thirties I will suggest that I never need to hear from you the phrase “Why Don’t You…” ever again. In my life.
How about I begin smoking at age 30? I think I’ll choose Cloves.
I don’t want to ruin this surprise, but I’m going to allow you to pick out, mail, and sign all greeting cards for my family. Forever. Now I love me some cranky Maxine, but I’d feel greedy hoarding all this joy that you can so efficiently spread to my family of origin.
I strongly believe that unopened mail belongs in piles.
Oh, and one more thing. I fear spiders, mice, and any manner of household freaky-deakies. You’re on your own babe. Here’s a lifetime supply of paper towels. Hold me!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger. Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person. So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post. If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog. Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.
See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!
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Lynn MacDonald Art
OMG I love Ann and this is hilarious and so true.
Thanks for having me Lynn. Aww, and ricochet right back ‘atcha Tracy! **Boiiiiing**
OH, I love that Ann always makes me actually chuckle, or even full-on laugh, out loud when I read her writing. This was awesome.
Please write this on my behalf, as you already interrupt me, finish my sentences, and speak for me on a regular basis. Husbands every where are nodding their heads at this and working on stuffing more cotton into our ears so that we aren’t really lying when we say that we never heard you say that.
Ann..not just one of the best at conceptual humor, but a dang fine human being, too.
Fun to see her here.
Priceless: No, I am not mad at you. I am not thinking anything. Nothing is wrong.
I’m already seeing that I could write a letter from my boyfriend to the world. What does that say about us?
Ann, you rock, chica.
Fragrant Liar recently posted..Rockin’ the Peggy
Viva la foliage rocket! The natural habitat of unopened mail is the stack – everyone knows that. Awesome post, Ann!
mark @ yelling near you recently posted..Depression hurts. Cymbalta can help turn you into a homicidal maniac. With dry mouth.
Holy crap Ann…I hate to tell you, but we’re married to the same man. This IS embarrassing.
MrsDzo recently posted..Wherein I Start Writing about Parenthood Again – Like I Was Supposed to Be Doing
I’m on my own with bugs and spiders and mice too, Ann. I raise my roll of paper towels to you in solidarity.
xoxo
OMG, I die.
“foliage rocket”. I’m submitting this to Webster’s today. How much do I love Ann? Let me enumerate the ways.
Hoarding all this joy – has to be my fav …
By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Thankful for Today – by Miss Britt
Ann rules! So happy to see her here!
And so nice to know that all husbands are the same. (It IS nice, right? Or is it depressing? Not sure…)
:-) Anna
Ahhh, marriage. It brings out so many loving emotions, doesn’t it!??