This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Caroline

 

Today’s guest on Go Ahead, amuse me is Caroline Pollack who blogs over at The Diatribest.  She’s QUITE funny so after you enjoy this post, go and check her out over there!  Here’s what she had to say about herself:

Caroline embraces life as a borderline Bi-Polar, plays Cow Bell for The Band, stared in Titanic (Floating Body #2), created Teh Internet, and taught J Lo how to be a Fly Girl. She enjoys ellipses, profanity and sarcasm, beginning her her sentences with ‘so,’ and Cuban coffee. She’s a (struggling) freelance writer whose oddest assignment basically amounted to writing porn for spiders.

She’s been doing the single mom thing since she was abandoned at 20 weeks pregnant and forced to relocate from VA to FL. Pregnancy was no barrel of laughs as she dealt with anger, Hyperemesis Gravadarium,depression, and anxiety.  Despite all her fears of not bonding and being a shittastic parent, Momma and The Kiddo fell in love at birth site.

In her marginally read blog My Daily Diatribes, she rants about news issues, her battles with self-doubt, being a survivor of sexual assault andstalking, stupid parenting practices, and flashbacks courtesy of PTSD.  Between a combo of therapy, medication, sarcastic remarks, caffeine, tattoos, and hugs from The Kiddo, Caroline rocks at life.

Today’s Ronnie Dunn-free post is brought to you by the letters Q,U,E, and the number of Pi squared. This mediocre blogger is still unable to spell February without the aid of spell-check and is a big fan of profanity. Please direct all rabid comments or winning African lotto tickets towards The Diatribest.

 

Since December I’ve fallen into the terrible habit of sleeping until the last possible minute before I have to wake up The Kiddo for school. Prior to the never-ending-Niagara-SnotFalls-fest at Christmas, I would get my ass up in time to mainline 2 cups of coffee while watching reruns of Angel.* Now I’ve gotten too lazy to get back into a decent sleep schedule so most mornings I run around the house, working harder than a hooker on dollar hand job day to find a matching pair of sock and shirt that doesn’t look like it was washed and dried on rocks.

 

I’m lucky if I can get ½ a cup down before I jump in the car, cursing as I realize that the travel mug of coffee will be waiting for me on the kitchen counter when I return. So when I get back and nuke the now cold coffee, I will flip on the TV to drown out the noises of the neighbors next door. This morning the Flintstones were not so loud that I heard the bi-speckled TV grandfather clearly announce: “I use catheters; do you?”

 

I developed sudden hysterical deafness but not before hearing that Brand X “is so silky and smooth.” While I searched in vain for the clicker (which I had been sitting on) I willed myself not to vomit or think of Sally Field’s Sybil. If I could have I would have brushed my ears with Clorax and a Brillo pad.

 

Here’s the thing. I have such a sailor mouth that during labor I said words that the attending doctor had never even heard. I have no problem laughing at a penis joke. But please, for the love of Kentucky Friend Chicken, DO NOT tell me about your (un)sexy crotch problems.

 

Ever since the world was informed that Raymond’s constipation was eased by a dose of Milk of Magnesia, we’ve been bombarded with commercials about jock itch, vaginal dryness, droopy dicks, feminine odors, and leaky bladders. I’m sorry that John and Joan Q. Pubic are having below the belt problems, but shouldn’t that be something you tell your doctor or maybe discuss with your best friend and not me?

 

Tomorrows coffee will be accompanied by the second book in the Hunger Games series. Katniss might have to brutally kill several more people, but she won’t inform me on their bits and pieces.

 

*(PS-David Boreanaz? Is my TV crush! I looooooove you!)

 

**(Yes, I know he’s married and no, Rachel, he does not have a huge forehead!)

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

 

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

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8 Comments

  1. Vidya Sury
    March 8, 2012

    What can I say? I love you Caroline! I am heading over to your place now. i am still giggling over the “Ronnie Dunn-free” and “I use catheters, do you?” By the way – I ALWAYS type friend for fried :D

    What would I do without Lynn!?

    • Lynn
      March 8, 2012

      ahhh..you’d be ok! there’s plenty of funny people out there … but thanks

  2. Mayor Gia
    March 8, 2012

    Hahah I LOVED Buffy and Angel. I hope you watch Bones now! i mean, he was sexier as Angel though, obviously…
    Mayor Gia recently posted..Animals Giving Awards, Part IIMy Profile

  3. Jester Queen
    March 8, 2012

    “never-ending-Niagara-SnotFalls-fest”
    That one made me laugh like a maniac. Our Niagra-SnotFalls started running in January and didn’t stop until the end of February. Dear GOD that waterfall was ugly.

  4. Wynona
    March 8, 2012

    Caroline is a strong woman. I think. After all what she had experienced she never breakdown. Kudos to that! I will surely follow her posts. Thanks for sharing. ;)
    Wynona recently posted..Unlock and Jailbreak iPhone to enhance its efficiencyMy Profile

  5. Melanie
    March 8, 2012

    This has been my favorite guest post so far. All I needed to read was this: most mornings I run around the house, working harder than a hooker on dollar hand job day…

    Hilarious! I am going over to check out her blog for sure!

    • Lynn
      March 8, 2012

      she is funny isn’t she

  6. Nicole
    March 16, 2012

    thanks for shearing this article..
    it was nice…

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