This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Claire

 

Today my guest on Go Ahead, Amuse me is Claire Lopez who blogs over at ivebeenthereclaire.  Hope you enjoy this and go check out her blog!

Hi y’all! I’m Claire. Native Texan, writer, mother/grandmother, wife, sister, friend. But mostly, I’m just a very human being!

I make mistakes – LOTS of them. Like the time I married a guy for three weeks. Or like the time I made a decision based on fear that cost me thousands of dollars. Or the time I ordered business cards with the wrong information because I made an assumption. See? Mistakes. Lots of ‘em. Been there, done that!

But the cool thing is that I’ve learned from my mistakes (mostly) and my mission is to share my experiences, maybe a solution or two, as honestly and authentically as I can (names will be changed to protect the guilty!)

I would love to dialogue with you, dear reader, to commiserate, laugh at our foibles, and find the good in every situation. It’s always there. Always.

I’m a motorcycle-riding, chocolate-loving, fallible (and hopefully funny) rebel. I absolutely adore my life, but it’s definitely had its rough spots along the way. Hop on and ride with me – let’s see how far we can travel his road together.

Have you done crazy, stupid shit in your life? Have you felt alone in those moments? You’re not alone anymore!

Have you been there?

Last night, The Husband and I were ready for bed, which meant it was time for our ritual, the infamous ten-second kiss. I always look forward to it and try to make myself kiss-able. In my preparations, I felt a little rumble in my tummy and I didn’t want to burp mid-kiss. That would be gross.

 

I let loose with a burp you could hear across three states.

 

This was not a big turn-on for TH. It even surprised me a little bit.

 

TH: OMG. What was that?!

 

Me: Just a little burp. ::batting eyelashes::  I didn’t want to burp while we were kissing.

 

TH: Yeah, and thanks for that but…..

 

Me: Oh, come on! You’ve burped before we kissed to prevent mid-kiss-burping.

 

TH: Yeah….that’s true. But, you gotta admit, that was disgusting. I’m sorry, love, but…..well….

 

At this point he kissed my hand and rolled over.

 

TH: It kills me every time you do that. You just don’t look like the kind of person who can make a sound like that. You were a fucking debutante! (I’m laughing hysterically, so this was more like a monologue, with occasional unintelligible words from me) I’m not sure how I feel about being married to someone who can fart and burp louder than me. When we’re in the nursing home, they’re going to talk about the sounds that come from our room, and they’ll be like, “Wow, did you hear Mr. Lopez?” and someone else will say, “Oh no…..that’s MRS. Lopez.” (He always talks about how we’re going to be in the nursing home together and playing bumper cars with our Hover-rounds….and, apparently, emitting atrocious noises.)

 

Me (more or less under control): You really think I burp and fart better than you?

 

TH: OMG….are you kidding? Fuck yeah, you do!

 

Me: Yay! I win!

 

TH: What?!

 

Me: Well, you have to admit, it’s nice to finally be superior at something.

 

TH: If you say so……

 

Well, it is. People who are good at everything don’t understand this. I take my victories where I can.

 

So, no kiss last night. But there’s always tonight. Just gotta do my burping elsewhere.

 

Have you ever spoiled a kissing opportunity with hilarious, albeit gross, bodily functions?

 

Have you been there?

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

 

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

12 Comments

  1. jennifer
    May 17, 2012

    It was truly indeed story… :D I do love to share it on my pinterest, I am pretty sure they will love it too…
    jennifer recently posted..burst pipes londonMy Profile

    • Claire Lopez
      May 17, 2012

      It had me laughing uncontrollably! Glad you enjoyed it!

  2. Melanie
    May 17, 2012

    Love this. I have ruined many a kissable moment with my burpy self. I am like a huge gas bomb. I figure a guy is lucky if we are together a few months before he has to witness it.

    I like that you saw it as a victory. It totally is.

    • Claire Lopez
      May 17, 2012

      It was a HUGE victory (albeit a gross one!). Thanks for reading!

  3. Annie
    May 17, 2012

    Very funny, Claire! I truly enjoyed this.

    • Claire Lopez
      May 17, 2012

      Thanks, Annie! We still laugh about it. Ya gotta laugh, right?

  4. Jester Queen
    May 17, 2012

    I don’t have a missed kiss opportunity, but I’ve got a great belching story. When I was pregnant with my kids, I was always nauseous. With my son, this translated into round the clock gas. And there were exactly two ways to eliminate the gas. And it wasn’t like normal, were you can feel the air coming and contain it. These were like gas explosions. Fart explosions. Belch explosions. I’d walk past a stack of totes, suck in my stomach and BRAAAP. I’d sit down on my chair, the baby would settle and FFRRRRRIPPPP.

    I seriously had no control over it, so I took to saying “Excuse us.”

    • Claire Lopez
      May 17, 2012

      LOL! I had an incident once where I was at a presentation. It was dark and everyone was VERY quietly watching some slides. I bent over and……well, the whole audience HAD to have heard it. I left the vicinity ASAP! lol I wish I had had your excuse but it was just me…..doing my own special thang.

  5. Liz
    May 17, 2012

    So, this is really bad, but once while having sex with my ex, I tooted. He was so grossed out, but I was too into it to let him stop. It was vacation sex, after all! I was like, keep going! Keep going! Haha!
    Liz recently posted.."Fifty Shades Darker" Book ReviewMy Profile

    • Claire Lopez
      May 17, 2012

      Yay for perseverance! You go, girl!

  6. Jen Anderson
    May 18, 2012

    Spoiled a kiss by burping? No. Made a kiss even more adorable by burping? Absolutely. When my husband and I first got together, I was a bit nervous and I kept burping little burps while we kissed. He decided it was cute and started calling me Burpy Girl.

    I am a VERY lucky woman.

Follow Lynn on Facebook Follow Lynn on Twitter Follow Lynn via RSS Follow Lynn on Pinterest
Enter your Email

Recent articles


Follow Lynn on Facebook Follow Lynn on Twitter Follow Lynn via RSS Follow Lynn on Pinterest




Go to All Fooked Up Store 

Lynn MacDonald Art