This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Dylan

 

Today’s guest on Go ahead, amuse me is Dylan and here’s what she had to say:

So this is me in a nutshell. I’m currently in my 20s. After 10 years of blogging on social networking sites, I finally decided to start my own site with my domain. It was a hallelujah moment! However, within a few months of doing that though, life sort of kicked me in the ass and pretty hard, too. Writing helps me keep myself grounded so that I don’t pop one too many happy pills and put my shoes in the fridge and groceries in the shoe cabinet like I once did. No joke. Imagine the horror on my Mom’s face when she saw my shoes next to the carton of milk. That wasn’t pretty. AT ALL.

I write about my LIFE – the good, the bad, the ugly and the down right confusing moments of shit that happens, which sometimes leaves me wondering whether the universe has conspired to screw me over just for the heck of it.

I can be spiritual, enlightening and yet sarcastic and painfully annoying. Think of me like Buddha, on crack, minus the bald head, the belly and balls, plus mosquito bites for boobs and a vagina between my legs. Yep, that’s me at http://lifegasmic.com

Thank you, Lynn for the opportunity – I hope you do post this. Cheers :)

SHIT I LEARNED THIS WEEK

This originally started off as a comment to one of Lynn’s posts titled ‘In which I learn shit this week.’

Dealing with my Dad can be mentally agonizing sometimes. I think he purposely acts ignorant, as if he has no idea what you’re talking about, just so you will NEVER ask him to do anything for you. Let me explain in three little stories.

Story One : The Tailors

Mom : (Early morning) Please go have my slacks done at the tailors’. I need a little cut off. You know my size anyway.

Dad : Uh, yeah. Okay. I’ll get it done so you can have it in the evening.

(Mom returns home late afternoon, slacks waiting on her bed. She tries them on.)

Mom : (Yells) What in the world?!? (Runs out of bedroom to where Dad and I are sitting in the living room)

Dad : What happened????

Mom : I TOLD YOU TO CUT A LITTLE BIT! I DID NOT ASK YOU TO CUT IT THIS MUCH!

(Mom was standing there with her slacks…or should I say ‘capris’ because Dad had the tailors cut it up so much, it barely covered her knee.)

Dad : It’s YOUR fault! You weren’t specific! You said cut it little!


Story Two : Dad’s Proposed First Aid Kit

So, I had just gotten home from surgery and I had a 6 inch cut in my abdomen. The hospital didn’t give me extra bandages for my wounds because they said I could easily buy them from the local pharmacy where it’s cheaper. I thought that would be fine. See, take note, I THOUGHT it would be.

Me : Dad, can you please help me buy some bandages for my wound?

Dad : Uh, what? What bandages?

Me : I need the cotton plus tape. You can go to the pharmacy and ask them for it. Just say, surgical dressing. If you don’t know how to buy the stuff, it’s okay, just don’t buy it or else we’ll waste money.

Dad : Okay, I’ll go to the pharmacy. Don’t worry.

(Dad comes home after an hour and a half.)

Dad : Hey, Dylan, here you go. (Dad hands me a heavy plastic bag)

Me : Dad???? Duct tape?!? Really??? And finger bandages?!? What am I supposed to do with this now?!? Mom is he TRYING to kill me?

Dad : Well you said bandage and tape!!! How the hell am I supposed to know about those medical stuff?!? Next time, BE SPECIFIC!

Story Three : The Bright Kitchen Light

The kitchen light finally died and we didn’t have a spare in the household. It’s one of those circular florescent lights that go in a nice glass case. We didn’t have a kitchen light for probably a couple of days because Dad didn’t feel like going to the hardware store since it’s far away from us. I can’t walk and my Mom and older brother have full time jobs. By the time they get off work, the hardware store is closed.

After living like the middle ages where we used candles to cook and go about using the kitchen after sunset, Dad finally got around buying a new light. He was forced to after he spilled a little bit of boiling water on his foot while cooking in candlelight. (Not so romantic, huh.)

Mom : Will you PLEASE go buy the light? You don’t really have anything to do anyway so why don’t you just go buy the light and take a walk or something!

Dad : FINE! I WILL!

(Dad comes back an hour later. Attempts to install light. Takes another hour when all you have to do is pop the damn thing in.)

Mom : (To my brother)  Why don’t you go help your Dad?

My Brother : Are you serious? You know he has a habit of electrocuting himself. I’m not going to put myself through that.

(Dad finally installs kitchen light and flips the switch while the rest of the family is in the living room)

Mom : (Squeals) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?

Dad : What do you mean?!?! It’s perfectly fine!

Me : Uhm, yeah Dad, it’s NEON ORANGE. So perfectly fine. How can you NOT notice that?!?

My Brother : Dad, what the hell?!

Dad : Well, it’s pretty. And we have light.

Mom : I DIDN’T ASK YOU TO BUY NEON LIGHTS!!! It looks like the had sun set INSIDE our kitchen!

Dad : Well, now you get to enjoy the sunset while you cook.

Me : Actually, Mom, it looks more like those lights in the back room of a dingy bar…very tacky, Dad. Very, very tacky.

Dad : Oh SHUT UP yous. BE SPECIFIC! How the hell was I supposed to know!

So, shit I learned this week? Or should I say shit the family learned this week?

NEVER send Dad out to buy ANYTHING without full instructions and a descriptive note of what you want. EVER.

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

 

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

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21 Comments

  1. […] Go Ahead, Amuse Me, Dylan – AllFookedUp.com […]

  2. Firewomyn
    July 19, 2012

    Nice one! :) are our dads related?! *gasp!* Mine does the same thing! If we can make him to move at all. Keep writing! Tweeted this link to my followers :)

    • Dylan Lin Calista
      July 19, 2012

      Hey! It’s Firewomyn! :) Thanks for the support and for being here!

      Lol, yeah, it’s funny how are Dads are so alike. I like the ‘if we can make him to move at all.’ – haha!

      Thanks, Angel. Will keep writing – definitely!

  3. I love how he said, “those medical stuff”. He is absolutely ridiculous! I’m thinking you have to actually hand him a photo of whatever it is you are referring to, but then again I’m not sure even that would go off correctly. ;)
    Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..I Threw an Olympics-Themed Party Last Weekend!My Profile

    • Dylan Lin Calista
      July 19, 2012

      Yeah, haha @ “those medical stuff”. – How hard could it be to ask for surgical dressing, right?

      Actually…the photo may not work. I don’t really know what works…

      But come to think of it, when he wants something for himself, he never makes mistakes, LOL. So, it must be that.

      Thank you for coming by here to check my first guest post ever!

  4. Glow
    July 19, 2012

    Wow Lin :D ROTFLMBO! My Uncle’s the same , smh.

    • Dylan Lin Calista
      July 19, 2012

      Hey! You’re here! :D Nice to see you somewhere outside of DL!

      Maybe your Uncle and my Dad can hang out sometime :D

  5. yuj
    July 19, 2012

    your dad is simply amazing bunso!

    • Dylan Lin Calista
      July 19, 2012

      Ey, Yuj! Wow, it’s been ages. Great to see you here!

      Dad’s a cool guy even though he can be annoying sometimes, hehe!

      • Name *
        July 19, 2012

        good luck with you writings. I like them so natural!

        you’ll be great in this.

  6. Jester Queen
    July 19, 2012

    Your Dad sounds so FUNNY. He sounds like somebody with Asperger’s syndrome, though! I love that he couldn’t intuit “not orange” for the kitchen light.

    • Dylan Lin Calista
      July 19, 2012

      Hi Jester Queen!

      He’s actually funny…once you get over being ‘annoyed’ and all, LOL! But no, he doesn’t have that. He’s hypertensive though so pretty much everything and anything can set him off edge.

      I know right? We all kinda thought it was straightforward, that you have to check the box before you buy the light. He didn’t think so, obviously. But, thankfully, it was just orange. I think Blue or Green would’ve been a ten fold worse, LOL.

      Thank you for commenting! :) Cheers!

  7. Cathy
    July 19, 2012

    Know just what you mean. I actually thought all men were like that. :)
    Cathy recently posted..I is for ImprovementMy Profile

    • Dylan Lin Calista
      July 19, 2012

      I would’ve considered this ‘normal’ behavior if it wasn’t for my Grandpa, hehe. Gramps also raised me so I saw the difference. :)

      Thank you for being here!

  8. Sheye
    July 19, 2012

    Sorry but I think your dad is adorable. The slacks was the funniest bc your mom said cut a little and he got it cut little, thats too cute lol

    • Dylan Lin Calista
      July 20, 2012

      OMG@ Sheyeheart! I love you! :)

      Haha. Yeah, well, it’s cute if you don’t have to deal with him on a regular basis in this way.

      My Mom was soooo ticked off with the slacks because before that, he actually burned one of her favorite pairs with the iron so in a single week he ruined 2 LOL. He means well but he’s just clumsy.

  9. bacon
    July 20, 2012

    funny stuff

  10. Lindsay
    July 20, 2012

    Too funny! Luckily my dad usually gets the right stuff the first time and calls if he’s confused. :)
    Lindsay recently posted..House Divided: Cardio VS StrengthMy Profile

    • Dylan Lin Calista
      July 21, 2012

      Thanks for commenting!

      Well, mine does call but not always…but even when he does call, sometimes he still gets it all wrong lol

      By the way, I love your latest post l!

  11. Vanilla Sandler
    July 29, 2012

    You really amused me Dylan. Your a great blogger. Do you have your own blog site? I want to read more of your post. I like the story two :Dad’s Proposed First Aid Kit.
    Vanilla Sandler recently posted..Night Calm: Your Way to A Restful NightMy Profile

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