This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
Today’s guest on Go ahead, amuse me is Dylan and here’s what she had to say:
So this is me in a nutshell. I’m currently in my 20s. After 10 years of blogging on social networking sites, I finally decided to start my own site with my domain. It was a hallelujah moment! However, within a few months of doing that though, life sort of kicked me in the ass and pretty hard, too. Writing helps me keep myself grounded so that I don’t pop one too many happy pills and put my shoes in the fridge and groceries in the shoe cabinet like I once did. No joke. Imagine the horror on my Mom’s face when she saw my shoes next to the carton of milk. That wasn’t pretty. AT ALL.
I write about my LIFE – the good, the bad, the ugly and the down right confusing moments of shit that happens, which sometimes leaves me wondering whether the universe has conspired to screw me over just for the heck of it.
I can be spiritual, enlightening and yet sarcastic and painfully annoying. Think of me like Buddha, on crack, minus the bald head, the belly and balls, plus mosquito bites for boobs and a vagina between my legs. Yep, that’s me at http://lifegasmic.com
Thank you, Lynn for the opportunity – I hope you do post this. Cheers :)
This originally started off as a comment to one of Lynn’s posts titled ‘In which I learn shit this week.’
Dealing with my Dad can be mentally agonizing sometimes. I think he purposely acts ignorant, as if he has no idea what you’re talking about, just so you will NEVER ask him to do anything for you. Let me explain in three little stories.
Mom : (Early morning) Please go have my slacks done at the tailors’. I need a little cut off. You know my size anyway.
Dad : Uh, yeah. Okay. I’ll get it done so you can have it in the evening.
(Mom returns home late afternoon, slacks waiting on her bed. She tries them on.)
Mom : (Yells) What in the world?!? (Runs out of bedroom to where Dad and I are sitting in the living room)
Dad : What happened????
Mom : I TOLD YOU TO CUT A LITTLE BIT! I DID NOT ASK YOU TO CUT IT THIS MUCH!
(Mom was standing there with her slacks…or should I say ‘capris’ because Dad had the tailors cut it up so much, it barely covered her knee.)
Dad : It’s YOUR fault! You weren’t specific! You said cut it little!
So, I had just gotten home from surgery and I had a 6 inch cut in my abdomen. The hospital didn’t give me extra bandages for my wounds because they said I could easily buy them from the local pharmacy where it’s cheaper. I thought that would be fine. See, take note, I THOUGHT it would be.
Me : Dad, can you please help me buy some bandages for my wound?
Dad : Uh, what? What bandages?
Me : I need the cotton plus tape. You can go to the pharmacy and ask them for it. Just say, surgical dressing. If you don’t know how to buy the stuff, it’s okay, just don’t buy it or else we’ll waste money.
Dad : Okay, I’ll go to the pharmacy. Don’t worry.
(Dad comes home after an hour and a half.)
Dad : Hey, Dylan, here you go. (Dad hands me a heavy plastic bag)
Me : Dad???? Duct tape?!? Really??? And finger bandages?!? What am I supposed to do with this now?!? Mom is he TRYING to kill me?
Dad : Well you said bandage and tape!!! How the hell am I supposed to know about those medical stuff?!? Next time, BE SPECIFIC!
The kitchen light finally died and we didn’t have a spare in the household. It’s one of those circular florescent lights that go in a nice glass case. We didn’t have a kitchen light for probably a couple of days because Dad didn’t feel like going to the hardware store since it’s far away from us. I can’t walk and my Mom and older brother have full time jobs. By the time they get off work, the hardware store is closed.
After living like the middle ages where we used candles to cook and go about using the kitchen after sunset, Dad finally got around buying a new light. He was forced to after he spilled a little bit of boiling water on his foot while cooking in candlelight. (Not so romantic, huh.)
Mom : Will you PLEASE go buy the light? You don’t really have anything to do anyway so why don’t you just go buy the light and take a walk or something!
Dad : FINE! I WILL!
(Dad comes back an hour later. Attempts to install light. Takes another hour when all you have to do is pop the damn thing in.)
Mom : (To my brother) Why don’t you go help your Dad?
My Brother : Are you serious? You know he has a habit of electrocuting himself. I’m not going to put myself through that.
(Dad finally installs kitchen light and flips the switch while the rest of the family is in the living room)
Mom : (Squeals) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?
Dad : What do you mean?!?! It’s perfectly fine!
Me : Uhm, yeah Dad, it’s NEON ORANGE. So perfectly fine. How can you NOT notice that?!?
My Brother : Dad, what the hell?!
Dad : Well, it’s pretty. And we have light.
Mom : I DIDN’T ASK YOU TO BUY NEON LIGHTS!!! It looks like the had sun set INSIDE our kitchen!
Dad : Well, now you get to enjoy the sunset while you cook.
Me : Actually, Mom, it looks more like those lights in the back room of a dingy bar…very tacky, Dad. Very, very tacky.
Dad : Oh SHUT UP yous. BE SPECIFIC! How the hell was I supposed to know!
So, shit I learned this week? Or should I say shit the family learned this week?
NEVER send Dad out to buy ANYTHING without full instructions and a descriptive note of what you want. EVER.
Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger. Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person. So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at email@example.com and send me a funny post. If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog. Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.
See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!