This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
Today’s guest on Go ahead, amuse me is Gigi and here’s what she has to say about herself:
Hi, my name is Gigi. I’m mostly a writer and strategist, but I also travel, drink fine wines, and collect crazy stories. I just published a memoir (And, Also, My Palms Are Sweaty: A Memoir in Sixty-Four Men), which is dedicated to every woman who has ever tried to climb out a bathroom window in stiletto heels to escape a bad date. Wait…no one else has done that? You should probably read the book anyway.
Let’s start with a confession: my parents are a little weird.
And when I say “a little weird” I mean “totally bat-shit crazy.”
I should also probably pause and say that I love them. But that doesn’t make them less nutty. (Luckily, nuttiness is also entertaining.)
They believe there are secret government plans to control all the gold, kill off the elderly, and persecute hardworking religious folks with tasers. They believe Europe is a scary, godless commune without (gasp!) space heaters. They think Belize is part of Mexico and is maybe where drugs come from. And, even more importantly, they believe that the apocalypse is imminent.
The apocalypse stuff started around Y2K. We were one of the many families convinced that the world was going to end (or at least end as we knew it)—holed up on the first floor of our house with a basement full of canned goods below us, singing hymns over a pile of batteries and flashlights. (Tip #1: If the world is going to end, flashlights are the most important thing to have with you.)
Once we weathered that storm and the computers didn’t take over the planet or thrust us into the Middle Ages or whatever, we spent the next several years eating old canned goods and searching for new signs of the end of the world.
Years later, somewhere around 2009, I was talking on the phone with my dad when he brought up rice. Rice, he said, I should get myself a couple giant bags of rice.
Why? Because the price of food was going to quadruple overnight and then APOCALYPSE! And then I would starve.
(I’m pretty sure rice doesn’t have enough nutrients to keep me going for long. But I guess it gives me a couple extra hellish, avoiding-the-post-apocalyptic-zombie-attacks days? Also, don’t ask me about the timeline…apparently you can still starve after the apocalypse begins.)
(Tip #2: Buy rice.)
I asked him where he proposed I store these large quantities of rice (in the 15 x 15 spare room I was renting?). He asked if my landlord/roommate had a garage. I asked him where he heard that prices were going to quadruple overnight. He said that we live very different lives and he was watching for signs, thank you very much.
(Tip #3: Watch for the signs, stupid.)
I think it’s a little disappointing to them that it’s already 2012 and the world has yet to be consumed by fire (though Colorado has apparently started) and no white horses or trumpeting angels have descended from the heavens yet. They do like pomp and flare. Also angels.
But, hey, it’s getting closer and closer to the end of the Maya calendar, which is kind of like Y2K, only less technical. If only it weren’t so pagan, they could pin their hopes on that date. (Tip #4: All signs must be pure and protestant and decidedly un-pagan).
I guess the good news for the apocalypse-is-imminent crowd is that obsessing over the end of the world forces you to think about what your last days on earth should look like. Will you be cruel or kind? Will you face your fears? Will you take that trip you’ve been daydreaming about? Who will you snuggle up to? And those are worthwhile things to contemplate.
(Tip #5: Contemplate, people.)
So there’s your handy dandy lesson. (Tip #5: All communications should have handy dandy lessons that sort of validate the crazy people we’re talking about.)
Contemplate. Live to the fullest. Stock up on flashlights. Watch for the signs. Avoid zombies. Also, buy rice.
Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger. Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person. So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at email@example.com and send me a funny post. If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog. Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.
See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!