This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Gwen

Today’s guest on Go ahead, amuse me is Gwendolyn Francis and her blog is called Pull My Funny Bone.  I hope you enjoy the post and go check out the rest of her posts as well.  Thanks!  Here’s her intro below.

My name is Gwen and I’m the author of Pull My Funnybone.  I write from my summer home in Guantanamo Bay.  After a brief tumultuous relationship with Kim Jong Un,  I now live with my domesticated partner Kona the dog (and two cats.)  I am a two time winner of Harvard University’s quasi-prestigious Least-Creepy Flasher award.  When I’m not writing about my hilarious and madcap misadventures, I spend time robustly passing gas and chugging sour milk to regulate my bad moods (e.g., quell rage.)  I lead a life that on any given day is a heady pastiche of lounge pants, hookworms, unicorns, Clamato, and paper mache sculptures of goats .

I’d also like to thank Lynn for allowing me to guest post.

 

Disrespecting the Dead

After getting laid off from the job I hated I received a
 happy-belated-birthday-congratulations-on-leaving-Club-Dread (my 
nickname for my former employer) package in the mail from a friend. It
 contained very high-end skin care products from Bobbi Brown.

At Club Dread I was grossly underpaid; and being unemployed my income
 decreased even further, to zero to be exact. I’m told eventually
 unemployment will kick in (please all pause for a moment of prayer and 
throw chicken bones at a statue of your deity or whatever it is you
do.) So purchasing high-end skin care products was not on my to-do
 list; in fact, just buying generic soap would be a stretch.

I’ve always been a local pharmacy generic brand skin care product 
kinda gal. Not expecting much I put them on my shelf in the bathroom.
Days later, I decided it was time to shower. (Now that I’m unemployed 
I find I’m too busy for silly things like hygiene.) I took the
 products and lined the beautiful glass bottles along the ledge of my 
tub and began using them one by one. Suddenly I was transported to
 another dimension. I transcended to the Buddhic plane and became fully enlightened. I felt my feet slowly rise up from the tub and while 
levitating I distinctly heard music from the astral spheres where
 angels sing. I continued to swirl on these magical potions and every
 inch of my body my glistened. I was luminous. I was a being of light
 and love. All Is One emanated from my heart as my aura glowed and my
 entire body hummed the sound of the sacred Hindu incantation of Om.

I stepped from the tub, my skin now radiant and vibrant, my aura
 beaming, and put on my bathrobe and immediately went to my computer 
and composed the following email to my friend who gave me the
 products.

What the fuck?!?! Is this your idea of a cruel joke?! First one’s free
 pusher woman!?! Is that it?! Holy fucking shit that stuff is awesome. I
am so hooked. I need more and I need it now. I want every product from
 the entire line. I don’t care if I have to blow homeless dudes in the
 sketchy part of town behind the train station for 5 bucks a wad. I
will be scrubbing my face with buffing grains mixed with rainwater in
 my cardboard box living under an overpass if I have to. I need more.

I was a full blown junkie. The Amy Winehouse of Bobbi Brown Cosmetics.

Then my prayers were answered. I got a call from my mother who
 informed me that a family member had died. I expressed my sympathy and
 we ended the call. “That’s it! That’s It!” I cried out to no one. “I
will create a bereavement registry!” Then I will email my friends and 
relatives and let them know that as part of my grieving process it 
would be most healing for me to have them purchase items off the 
registry. They could even give them to me at his services if they
 didn’t feel like making the extra drive to my house.

I was convinced my uncle who passed, as a gay male, would fully
 support my actions. He would want my face to be buffed, polished and
 glowing at his services. He would want my eyes to not be puffy and
 with dark circles.

If this didn’t work I had a back up plan. Should people be too
 offended by my bereavement registry I could attempt to make money for 
my next fix from my blog by installing a PayPal donate button. I just
 needed the undivided attention of a large audience. Then I remembered
 that I was asked to give a reading at his eulogy. I’m still drafting
it but I’m thinking of ending it with something like “And at this time
 of deep sorrow, as we remember our dear beloved relative, my wish is 
to bring you all peace and comfort and to aid in my healing process I 
encourage all of you to go on to my blog, even now on your smart
phones, which should be on silence mode since we are in a church, and
 donate through my PayPal button. And, by the way, there is still time 
for you to go onto my bereavement registry as there are some items 
still available to choose from. Specifically, in this time of mourning
I could definitely use some eye cream. Amen. Yay Jesus!”

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

 

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

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18 Comments

  1. Mayor Gia
    January 12, 2012

    Hahahah, bereavement registry. Yikes, I bet that seriously catches on for some people…

    And you shoulda just had a sign that had your http://www.BLOGNAME.com on our forehead during the eulogy.

    • OMG!!! I love the idea of blog name on my forehead! Why didn’t I think of it! Or put business cards featuring my blog address paper clipped to the remembrance card that everyone receives.

  2. By Word of Mouth Musings
    January 12, 2012

    Bereavement Registry – now there is a thought … God knows, we get hit up for everything else …
    and after all, we are only born with one skin
    (unless you live in Boca)
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Out with the Old, but what is new?My Profile

  3. Miss Annie V.
    January 12, 2012

    *muffling guffaws thus causing coffee to spew out of my nose all un-ladylike* I so adore you, Miss! I say you totally go through with this…. if nothing else, you can always prey upon suckers such as myself who, although currently living the paycheck-to-paycheck hell of my own Club Dread, would totally donate in a pitiful attempt to be liked ;) Plus, I’m working out my own demons with the knowledge that I’ll never realize my innermost dreams of becoming a drag queen and I don’t have a gay uncle – living or recently deceased (sorry for your loss!) who could fill that void…. Wow – that train of though totally derailed! *high five*!

    • Awww…..shucks! Spewing coffee is a huge compliment!!! I say go for the drag queen! Why not!! I have also thought I could promote myself to be available to give future eulogies for hire while I’m out on unemployment. When I was done giving the eulogy I SO wanted to go and fist-bump everyone in the front row…but figured that would have been tacky.

  4. Melanie Dinos
    January 12, 2012

    You did NOT say the Amy Winehouse of Bobbi Brown cosmetics. Too funny. I am a moisturizer junkie. I’m addicted to Shiseido and Dermalogica.

    The registry is a good idea. I am having my tubes tied Tuesday and having a “No Baby Shower” for myself after. I told everyone no gifts, just snacks and drinks. I totally should’ve registered for gifts.

    • I say it’s not too late for your registry!!! Or have your tube-knots register! Just think of all the moisturizer you could get!!

  5. Julie
    January 12, 2012

    ‘I don’t care if I have to blow homeless dudes …’

    I am howling AND in pain from laughing so damn hard. Now that I can breathe again, I’m going to check out her blog.

    • OH THANKS SO MUCH!!!! I am new to this blogging thing and a bit self-deprecating and self-conscious so all this positive feedback is really wonderful!!!

  6. alaina
    January 12, 2012

    this is awesome. and a brilliant idea. nothing says “sorry for your loss” like some cold hard cash…through paypal.

    • HAHAHAHAHA!!! Perhaps I’ll start a gift card and sympathy card line! Like a sorry for your loss sympathy card with room for a gift card inside with a caption that says, “You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please go buy something special so you don’t go out and blow homeless dudes for extra scratch at this difficult time.”

  7. flobits
    January 12, 2012

    Excellent post, thanks! This is definitely my type of humour.
    This reminds me of o a joke as well :)
    One guy dies and his friend goes to the newspaper for his obituary.
    And he orders “Itzak dead”. To which the obituary guy replies “You pay for 5 words anyway, so you can make it longer”
    “Ok. Itzak dead. Bike for sale”

  8. That is heeeeee-sterical!!! I love it!!! Thanks so much for reading and enjoying it!!!

  9. Lori
    January 12, 2012

    THANK YOU!!!

    i’ve had one of the blegh days. and today YOU made a difference.

    Thank you
    Lori recently posted..Insecurity, or how to drive yourself insane in 5 easy steps.My Profile

  10. Thanks Lori! That makes me really happy. My goal is to make people laugh………esp. when having a bleh day. When I’m in a crappy mood something funny can make all the difference in the world.

  11. Astral
    January 18, 2012

    This is what you ought to be immediately after and never ever settle for cheaper alternatives.

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