This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Jennifer

Today  my guest on Go ahead, amuse me is Jennifer Boykin.

Jennifer Boykin currently blogs at www.couragetochange.us.  She is also the Creator and Chief Rabble-Rouser at the MidLife Reinvention site, Life After Tampons (launching February 1st).  If you’re worn out by life, register for her free (priceless) 21-day home retreat, Reclaim the Sass.  Please go check her out!!!

As Plain as the Nose on Your Face

 

 

Last summer, I got mad.

So, as any dominatrix girly-girl would do, I had my nose pierced.

(I’m sure you get it.)

 

Here’s what ticked me off:

My new husband and five of our sons went to the beach together.  My husband wasn’t paying enough attention to me.  It seemed his book was more compelling than his new bride.  This annoyed me.

So, I tried sex.

 

I paraded around in front of him in my new bikini, splashing around along the shore like Bo Derek (as she would have looked after delivering four babies.)

 

When that didn’t merit a glance, I tried food.

This one usually works.  My husband is a traditional hunka Italian hotness who loves mealtime.

I announced that lunch was ready up at the house.

 

Nothing.

 

So, I grabbed my 13-year old and asked him if he wanted to go out for milkshakes and piercings.  I’m sure you’ve done the same thing.

We’d been discussing piercings for some time — his ear, my nose – so he jumped at the chance.  (Remind me to get back to you sometime about the research involved in making sure you have the correct ear pierced.  One lobe signals “gay.”  The other, “straight.”  All seven of my men knew this.  I had no clue.)

 

At any rate, the piercing worked.  He noticed immediately.  (Of course I chose the brightest blue stone I could – to match my eyes.)

The rest of the week, he kept an eye on me.  I guess he was worried about what I might do next.  J

 

I was happy.

I love being adored.

 

Well, then the nose ring became a problem.

 

It wasn’t that the nose-ring kept me from getting business (we can thank my mother for that myth).  It wasn’t that I got sideways glances at the local Starbuck’s.  Apparently, many of the poor women who’ve been faux cheering at these interminable soccer matches also have wild streaks.

 

No, it was that the damned thing kept getting caught on my husband.

 

Kissing.  Hugging.  Any contact at all with my face and the little post would get caught and ripped out of my nostril.

And it hurt.  And bled.

And putting the damned thing back in was excruciating.

 

So, as much as it pained me, since it took years to summon up the courage to get the damned thing, I took the ring out.

 

And then I waited for someone I love to notice.

 

Five months later – the people I live with every day noticed it wasn’t there.

 

It occurs to me that we could explore the irony here for some time.  For instance, I got the damned thing to get attention.   And then it took five months for the people I love to notice it was gone.  (A colleague asked about it right away.  I think he misses it.)

 

Another thing – after piercings, what do you do for an encore?  Truly?

Self-mutilation as a device for getting attention is a slippery slope.  If a shiny gem just over your right nostril doesn’t get you the love you want, how low do you have to go?  Literally?

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

 

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

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43 Comments

  1. kathykate
    January 26, 2012

    Pierced my nose 7 years ago when I turned 40. Still got it: when I turn 50, I think I’ll do my nipples, then jerry-rig a pully system to the nose ring to elevate the girls back to days gone by. Cheaper than surgery and I do think there may be a market for this in Claires’ for mid-lifers!

    • Jennifer Boykin
      January 26, 2012

      Hi, KathyKate! What a great idea!! I’m turning 50 in about three weeks and I think I’ll give that a spin. We’re going on a cruise for my birthday. Do you think the ship’s doctors will do nipple piercing?

    • Kesha Brown
      January 26, 2012

      KathyKate – HILARIOUS and I almost drowned choking on water reading your comment!! ROTFL Do it big girl!
      Kesha Brown recently posted..The Misconception of Being GrownMy Profile

      • kathykate
        January 27, 2012

        so not joking. the only time my boobs look like any resemblance of what I think they look like is when I do a handstand. But I honestly wouldn’t pierce them ever: the last thing they need is additional weight pulling them down!
        kathykate recently posted..Slammin’ Colon CleanseMy Profile

        • Jennifer Boykin
          January 27, 2012

          Hey, I just read your slamin’ colon cleanse piece. You’re a funny girl, too, lovey. I signed up. I can’t wait to read more.

  2. Julie
    January 26, 2012

    Piercing + how low do you have to go = shudder.

    When I need attention, I typically set my hair on fire.

    • Jennifer Boykin
      January 26, 2012

      Hi, Julie. Jennifer here. I’m going to try hair-on-fire next. The only problem, as I see it, is that you can’t really pull the trigger too often on this approach. At least with piercings, there is always real estate left for the drama. The other part of the day (at the tattoo parlor) was answering my teenager’s question about why they needed privacy screens at the piercing parlor. Yes indeed, that was the first he’d heard of nipple and nether-region body mortification.

      As their mother, I feel like it’s my JOB to give them a fighting chance in life.

      • Julie
        January 26, 2012

        Jennifer ~ You have a new follower!
        I appreciate a mother who deems it her responsibility to educate her children on nether regon peircings.

        • Jennifer Boykin
          January 26, 2012

          Julie, love, I will NEVER violate your sacred trust. He still laughs about seeing the piercing “artist” stick a cork up his mother’s right nostril and stick a pin through the other side, pulling it out through the inside of my nostril. It’s an image I want with him always! I’m excited that you’re coming with.

          Next week, It’s all about Life After Tampons!!!!!!

          Stay in touch, love.

  3. Name *
    January 26, 2012

    Haha! In our house, I’m the one with ‘noticing’ issues. My husband can tell if I’ve gotten my hair trimmed in the same style, when the whole point for me was that nobody will notice. However, he can do all the laundry and clean the kitchen, and I’ll walk right through and not notice the absence of mess. I don’t MEAN to be so oblivious. I’m just the most unobservant writer I know.

    • Jennifer Boykin
      January 26, 2012

      I envy you your “blindness.” I have to say, though, that he was very attentive after that, so I guess I made my “point.” Love, Jennifer

  4. Name *
    January 26, 2012

    LOL, uhmmm. Food still works with my man. Thank goodness. I’m not up for piercing. My girlfriend just got a tattoo maybe that can be your next step.

    • Jennifer Boykin
      January 26, 2012

      Hi, there. I’ve so THOUGHT about the tattoo idea. But here’s the thing — I want to be elegant in my ink. So, I have this thing that you should only get ONE tattoo on your body. And THEN the perfectionism kicks in because I just KNOW that whatever I pick now, I’ll think of something better next week.

      You’re right about the food thing, too. That one always works.

  5. How on earth?
    January 26, 2012

    Could anyone not notice you?! Very funny and insightful as always Jen. Thanks for the mid-morning smile.
    Gary…

    • Jennifer Boykin
      January 26, 2012

      Oh, thank you, love!!!! Mike stays very close these days.

  6. Amy
    January 26, 2012

    I got my nose pierced a couple years ago after my younger sister told me that “people my age are to old to get them” (I turned 40 this year). My nose piercing and I had a good run but, like you, I had to take it out.

    I’m getting a tattoo next – actually it will be my 3rd but my 1st at 40 ;)

  7. Pamela D Hart
    January 26, 2012

    I got the “you’ll lose business with a ring in your nose” routine from my dad and brother. So, I got a tattoo instead. I was 33.

    My husband isn’t oblivious, he just chooses NOT to say anything until he’s SURE I’m happy with what I did! Because If I’m NOT happy and he says something nice, then I go off about how stupid, ugly, uneven, etc., IT is or incompetent, stupid, dumb, etc., the person who did it was! So, he just plays it safe and waits for my queue.
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..A Friday Night HoudiniMy Profile

    • Jennifer Boykin
      January 26, 2012

      Pamela, my husband solves the “how to compliment a woman successfully” problem, by always saying the same thing:

      “I like your hair.”

      He swears by it and is sharing it with our six boys!

  8. Sarah Cheetham
    January 26, 2012

    Jennifer. How many tattoos do you have? I sometimes think of getting one for PURE rebellion in my marriage. Nothing else. maybe that’s not enough reason. Piercing? No desire yet. I once took a punk test in 6th grade and still have a scar on my hand. I would do that again! Food for thought… thank you.

  9. Sarah Cheetham
    January 26, 2012

    I just read your take on the tattoo. My thinking also…

    • Jennifer Boykin
      January 26, 2012

      let me know when you find “the ONE.”

  10. Mayor Gia
    January 26, 2012

    Hahahah, that’s great. Hmmm..maybe shave your head? It won’t last, but he’ll prob notice.
    Mayor Gia recently posted..Car Decals: DuckMy Profile

    • Jennifer Boykin
      January 26, 2012

      The boys all just shaved their heads and it made their eyes look HUGE. You might be on to something here!

  11. Roy A. Ackerman, Ph.D., E.A.
    January 26, 2012

    Hmm. I find it difficult to believe that you can go unnoticed in a crowded department store- let alone in your family. :-)
    Roy A. Ackerman, Ph.D., E.A. recently posted..Killer Rocket ShipsMy Profile

    • Jennifer Boykin
      January 26, 2012

      Appalling isn’t it, Roy? I’m my mother’s daughter, though. I find a way.

  12. Melanie
    January 26, 2012

    I have quite a few tattoos and most are pretty silly, like I am. My favorite is the pink flamingo on the back of my leg.

    My boyfriend always notices when I dye or cut my hair. I really like that about him.

    • Jennifer Boykin
      January 26, 2012

      I want a boyfriend who notices, too, but I think my husband might actually notice that and take exception. I’ll ask tonight. It’s Date Night, so that’s always a good night for discussing extramarital affairs.

  13. Kesha Brown
    January 26, 2012

    Jenny, you know you are the bomb right! LOL I never know what kind of stories you’ll bring us and I love that.

    Lynn, glad you featured Jen on the blog! Catch ya lata!

    ~Kesha
    Kesha Brown recently posted..The Misconception of Being GrownMy Profile

  14. Fhellie Den
    January 27, 2012

    Thanks Jenni for providing us great post here!!Great job!!
    Fhellie Den recently posted..How To Control AnxietyMy Profile

    • Jennifer Boykin
      January 27, 2012

      Isn’t it funny that we’re talking about “posts” and I was writing about a nose post? Anyway, it appears attribution is my new crack. So, THANK YOU for the high. Love, Jennifer

  15. Jennifer Boykin
    January 27, 2012

    Thank you, Deanne. We gotta keep it fun, right?

  16. Jennifer June
    January 29, 2012

    There are days my boyfriend follows me like a puppy and days I come home from a show wearing a corset, garters and fishnets and he just pours himself a bowl of cereal, sits down and asks how my night went.
    How I long for the days that bending over to pick a dirty sock up off the floor was considered foreplay…
    Jennifer June recently posted..Next To The OrangesMy Profile

    • Jennifer Boykin
      January 29, 2012

      Okay, this is the funniest thing I have heard all day. I can’t thank you enough for sending it today, JJ. My new site, Life After Tampons, launches on Wednesday, and I’m getting entirely too serious over here.

      Blessings!

  17. Marifel
    February 1, 2012

    Hi jenni…I hope you can continue to inspire a lot of people…
    Marifel recently posted..How To Deal With Panic AttacksMy Profile

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