This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Julie

 

Hello and welcome to Go ahead, amuse me.  Today’s guest is Julie of Sober Julie Doing Life.  Here’s her intro she wrote:

With 15yrs invested in a high-paced corporate career, Julie’s life changed drastically after facing her alcoholism and being involved in a car accident 20 days later. This recovering alcoholic Mom/Wife shares her journey on her blog, Sober Julie Doing Life, with raw honesty in a humorous, shoot from the hip approach. Julie reminds us that we can be real women and admit our flaws while still having great hair!

Inner Beauty which is Womanhood

I see you with your bloody perfect hair, your thin hips and what’s probably a homemade pie in your manicured hands as you make your way gracefully to the neighbor’s door.

Lovely!

Now I’ll have to head to the expensive bakery tomorrow for a congratulatory sweet instead of the discount chain….isn’t that fantastic!

Who has 5 kids anyway, seriously what’s up with the iron uterus?

Why didn’t I have more than 2 children, I’d love to have 5 kids……I wonder if we can afford a reversal of my tube-tying? What would the success rate be thought? OMG I’m sick, what the hell am I thinking!

Turning from the window I step into a puddle which is suspiciously warm as I notice the beast that I’d normally refer to as our loving dog escaping around the corner.

Son-of-a-B****! I begin to chase after the scoundrel, cursing like a sailor and feel my wet foot sliding on the hardwood as if in slow-motion. Tottering and righting myself in a manner which would make Mr. Bean proud I manage to remain upright and grab the kitchen counter for support.

Holy crap that was close, that would suck to fall into pee….wiping my foot on my filthy yoga pants, I lean over and grab my best tea-towel and fling it onto the pee on the floor and head down the stairs to lecture the dog. Oh I’ll teach this mutt to pee on MY floor!

Reaching the entryway with rage vibrating through me, I’m caught off guard as the front door flings open, crashes against the wall behind it and my 8 year old screams “Mooooommmmmm, can Lisa come in and play? We’ll be good and stay in my room, her Mom said we can’t play there and to go ask you because you’re the BEST Mom ever.”

Red, red clouds my vision. HER MOM SAID WHAT?? Who is SHE to mock me; does she have a clue what a day I’m having? Why does SHE get alone time? Two can play this game!

As my daughter and her friends wait for my response, I wrack my brain for ammo…… I have brownies!

Wielding the brownies like a weapon I give my cherished gift from God my very best stink-eye. Perfecting that look was worth the effort as I saw the knowing fear in her eyes. In a clear, stern voice I relay the exact message I intend to get across. “Please tell Lisa’s Mom that I baked these especially for her and that I want you all to share them with her.”

The gaggle of children on the front step behind my darling daughter squealed with delight, jumping up and down in communal excitement as my wise offspring backs away from me slowly, gently closing the door behind her.

The dog! Walking briskly I whistled, opened the back door and gave her a nasty glare as she streaked past me into the yard.

Standing quietly at the back door I revel in my victory…this one moment of silence which was so valiantly earned. Ignoring the chaos which is my messy home I make a cuppa coffee and plop my large behind on the couch, still resplendent within the glow of dominance.

Because when in the thralls of PMS it’s hard to be humble…..and nobody died today.

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

10 Comments

  1. Mayor Gia
    April 5, 2012

    Ha! “Iron uterus.” Five IS a lot of kids…
    Mayor Gia recently posted..Sometimes, I’m Not Terribly Helpful in Stressful SituationsMy Profile

    • Lynn
      April 5, 2012

      i thought that was a funny expression too

    • Name *
      April 6, 2012

      I’m so proud to say that just came to me….bahaha. My uterus tilted after my 2nd btw ;)
      Name * recently posted..Mellow Mayham – A Coffee MocktailMy Profile

  2. kathykate
    April 5, 2012

    Nothing says ‘red flag’ like BEST MOM EVER! Take the brownies and run!
    kathykate recently posted..Secrets of the Traveling Va-Jay-JayMy Profile

  3. Melanie
    April 5, 2012

    Iron Uterus sounds like some sort of strong women competition I’m not sure I’d want to be a part of. Great story. I could almost smell the dog pee and I gagged a little.

  4. SoberJulie
    April 5, 2012

    Ahhh it does come across that way Melanie…PMS sucks

  5. Jester Queen
    April 5, 2012

    Oh that was a brilliant response to the other Mom!! You ARE the best Mom ever and … and you just sent over BROWNIES… if she sends back the kids, she has to provide even better desserts.

  6. […] Have you heard of the HILARIOUS blog All Fooked UP?? […]

  7. Tasha W
    April 9, 2012

    Hahaha! Love this! All hail to the iron uterus! Lol :)

Follow Lynn on Facebook Follow Lynn on Twitter Follow Lynn via RSS Follow Lynn on Pinterest
Enter your Email

Recent articles


Follow Lynn on Facebook Follow Lynn on Twitter Follow Lynn via RSS Follow Lynn on Pinterest




Go to All Fooked Up Store 

Lynn MacDonald Art