This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Lauren

 

Today on Go Ahead, Amuse me I have Lauren of Lauren Filing Jointly and here’s her intro:

Hi I’m Lauren, or Lauren Filing Jointly to my Blogstalkers (what I call my totally amazing readers.)  My blog is Filing Jointly…Finally, which got its name due to both the fact that I am an accountant and the fact that my husband made me wait ten effing years before he made an honest woman out of me.  I love monkeys, have an unhealthy obsession with cheese, regularly send Marc Jacobs emails asking for free purses and once in an emergency situation shaved my legs with half of my kitchen scissors before attending a wedding.  I absolutely love blogging and am extremely excited for my first Blogiversary, which is coming up later this month.  If you like what you read here, I’d love it if you’d stop by my site!

Thanks again to Lynn for featuring me!

 

I Also Have A List Of Foods That Shouldn’t Exist And A List Of Stores That Don’t Like When You Pay With Only Change

Good Afternoon lovely Blogstalkers.

It’s time for another riveting tale in which I cause grievous and embarrassing self-harm.  (You can find the first post in this series here.)

Now sit back if you will and let me spin you a fanciful (but completely true) yarn.

The year is 2001 and I am a junior in high school.  A veritable seventeen year old goddess with hair down to my butt and cream cheese smeared on my forehead.  I am taking five AP courses as well as an e-period, which is an additional class students at my school could take at 7AM.  I was not required to take this class nor did I need the extra credit to graduate.  I just really liked school.  And I was a really good student.

Sidenote: I was a really good student that is, until I started dating Ryan and turned 18.  Then we started signing ourselves out of school and going to eat egg rolls at the mall.  I missed a lot of class the last couple of months of senior year.  One time I missed an important exam and the teacher handed it back the very next day and said I couldn’t make it up since I could technically get all of the answers from another student’s test.  So I burst into tears and she sighed and let me make up the test and brought me a can of 7-up (the uncola) to drink whilst doing it.  I got my first B second semester senior year.  All because of nincompoop Ryan.  I will never forgive you for that B in Physics RYAN. 

But moving on.

All of the advanced placement classes and the early classes and the staying after school for Science Olympiad and Scholastic Bowl and then going home and doing homework for five hours eventually took its toll.  I was exhausted, a virtual zombie.  My mom tried to get me to stay home from school for a day or two and get some sleep but I refused.  Why would I rather sleep than go to school?  Please MOM.  It’s like you didn’t even know me.

I wandered bleary-eyed through my days.  Answering questions and taking pop quizzes by rote.

Then one day my weary body completely betrayed me.

It was just before lunch in Spanish class.  I chose a seat at the back of class because I was already fighting to keep my eyes from slipping shut and I didn’t want to suffer the close scrutiny of my teacher.

I tried my very hardest to stay awake.  I pinched my arms and bit the insides of my cheeks.  But it was all to no avail.  I couldn’t even hold my head up and so I rested my chin on my hand, elbow on the desk.  I must have drifted off.

I awoke to a shockingly loud noise.  It was the sound of my head slipping off my hand and smashing into the top of my metal desk.

I was in the back of the class so the only students that had actually seen what had happened were the ones sitting to either side of me.  But everyone else of course had turned to see what had created the booming noise that was still echoing about the classroom.

“Oh umm sorry,” I squeaked.  “I uh dropped my book on my desk.”

“No you didn’t,” says traitorous classmate and no-longer-friend number one.

“Yeah we saw, you totally just slammed your head into your desk,” intoned the goober that forever will hold the top spot on my “People To Snap With Rubber Band” list. (Or at least until my 10 year reunion.)

“That is ridiculous,” I started to say, but was interrupted.

By my nose.  Because it had started to bleed.

It was like an upside-down-blood-volcano had erupted.  It was horrifying.

“It’s in my mouth!” I sputtered.

Then I ran out of the classroom to the bathroom to deal with my bloodied nose and my bruised ego and also my, it turns out, bruised forehead.

I heard so much laughing as I exited.  It was extremely inappropriate.  It was like no one was concerned for my well-being.  They’re all lucky I survived.

I considered not going back to class but in my rapid flight from the room I had unfortunately neglected to grab my lunch that I now remembered contained a Little Debbie StarCrunch.

So I tried to slink back in.  With absolutely no luck.

And that, Blogstalkers is the story of the only standing ovation I have ever gotten in my life.

(And I played Annie in a production of Annie and dyed my hair red and sang my butt off.  That audience was a bunch of jerks obviously.)

People To Snap With Rubber Band 

The Humongous TattleTale from the Junior Year of High School Desk Incident

The college professor that asked me “Are you for real?”

Whoever took the last carton of eggnog in the grocery store out of my cart while I was sampling deli meats on December 21st 2009.

Jessica Biel for obvious reasons.

My current boss for asking me yesterday in front of the whole Board if my shoes were on the wrong feet.  (In his defense they were.  In my defense they are flats that normally hurt my feet so I just thought that was the reason for all of the foot pain I was experiencing.)

My old boss who told me they were giving pudding away for free in the cafeteria when they totally WERE NOT. (It seems she had made a bet with another coworker about how long I would wait before going to the cafeteria after she told me that.)

Stephenie Meyer and whoever wrote Fifty Shades of Grey.  Self-explanatory.

The girl at the cupcake store for just standing there and letting me eat a mini cupcake that I thought was a free sample but turns out was a dog treat.

The lady at the optometrist’s office who said “Oh! Your ears are all uneven.  The left one is like an inch higher than the right!”  (Which I already knew from, you know, seeing myself in the mirror every single day of my life.  But thanks for pointing it out.  And it’s like 3/5 of an inch max.)

The little boy that laughed at me at the aquarium last year when I got told to stop petting the glass at the penguin exhibit.

There are so many more…

So that’s all for today Blogstalkers!  Do you have any tales of high school woe?  Who would you include on your People To Snap With Rubber Band list?

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

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13 Comments

  1. RibenaTina
    June 14, 2012

    Crying with laughter at the shoes on the wrong feet episode – the type of thing I would do.

    ….and I so want to know why the college professor asked if Lauren was for real.
    RibenaTina recently posted..Semi-organised and semi-confusedMy Profile

  2. Jester Queen
    June 14, 2012

    Damn that Ryan! Because if it hadn’t been for that B in Physics, you wouldn’t have had to go to the deli to sample the lunchmeats, and nobody would have stolen the eggnog. So see – it’s all his fault. And also the asshole who announced your head-desk to the world.

  3. Liz
    June 14, 2012

    I just laughed so loudly at the dog treat/cupcake that I scared my dog! Thanks for sharing!

    • Lauren@FilingJointly
      June 14, 2012

      Sadly, that did indeed happen. So glad I was able to make you laugh!

  4. Valerie
    June 14, 2012

    The same thing happened to me at the aquarium! Except replace “penguins” with “hippos” and “little boy” with “My own children”.

    Damn kids now-a-days. No respect!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  5. Claudia
    June 15, 2012

    Damned & fooled.
    Claudia recently posted..דודי שמש 2My Profile

  6. Barbara Aniston
    June 18, 2012

    I really laugh on your high school experience. It is really unforgettable experience eating a mini cupcake and you found out that it is for a dog treat.
    Barbara Aniston recently posted..Tooth Whitening Pen – A touch of teeth whitening magic!My Profile

  7. Claire
    June 18, 2012

    If it hadn’t been for that B in Physics, you wouldn’t have had to go to the deli to sample the lunchmeats, and nobody would have stolen the eggnog. Thanks for sharing.
    Claire recently posted..Pregnancy Miracle ReviewsMy Profile

  8. Julia19
    June 19, 2012

    It is really unforgettable experience eating a mini cupcake and you found out that it is for a dog treat.

  9. Anne Carter
    June 20, 2012

    I really love your guts girl. Oh, mini cupcake is nice however it is really hilarious if it is a dog treat.
    Anne Carter recently posted..Products for a Healthier YouMy Profile

  10. Anne Carter
    June 20, 2012

    Great post. I really love your guts girl. Oh, mini cupcake is nice however it is really hilarious if it is a dog treat.
    Anne Carter recently posted..Capsicum helps boost MetabolismMy Profile

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