This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Literal Mom

 

Introducing: The Literal Mom

Missy Bedell blogs at The Literal Mom.  She combines humor, self-deprecation, worry and sometimes even good advice in her goal to help all parents think a little more about how they parent.  Because if all parents think more, then we can all help make the world a better place.

 

My Favorite Word

 

I have a long and fond history with my favorite word.

Fuck.

Ah, fuck.  What’s not to love about a word so expressive?  So able to capture everything I want to say so often?

Growing up the youngest of 6, I was no stranger to fuck and its uses.

Like at 5 years old, listening to my much older sister yell, from the driveway, “I’m fucking leaving this house and you can’t fucking stop me!”  While my parents pleaded with her to come in so the neighbors wouldn’t hear her yelling obscenities.  “Do you think I give a fuck?”  Was her reply, as she backed out the driveway in her VW bug, only to slink back a few days later.

Or how about in 9th grade when I almost got expelled for my loving use of it on the football field?  On drill team, there were 2 girls named Cindy.  One was my best friend.  One was the co-captain and she and I didn’t “click” to put it mildly.

Best friend Cindy kept cracking jokes while we were in line waiting for the song to start our practice.  I said, “Cindy, shut the fuck up,” at the same time co-captain Cindy asked us to get into position.

Oops.  Co-captain Cindy ratted me out (don’t even get me started on that).  The next day our Drill Team advisor pulled me out of class and said, all fast and breathless like the fate of the WORLD depended on my answer, “Did you say an obscene word at practice yesterday?”

Taught not to lie at home, I said, “Yes, Cindy wouldn’t stop cracking jokes.  I wanted her to be quiet.”  I didn’t add, “Doesn’t everyone tell their best friends to be quiet by saying “shut the fuck up?”

5 minutes later over the loudspeaker . . .

“Will Missy please report to the principal’s office?”

Where a 1-hour flaying ensued over how dare I use an “expellable” word to the co-captain during a school function.  Showing me the handbook and everything.  There was the PROOF of my wrong doing!

My response being, “Yes, but I wasn’t talking to the co-captain I was talking to my friend.  Call her down and ask her.”

They didn’t.  I didn’t get expelled.  And I think the only reason I didn’t was because of being so honest during the whole fucking mess.  So, kids, here’s a lesson – honesty truly IS the best policy.

Anyway.  On to college.

My roommate and I used to see if it was possible to say “Fuck You” in a friendly non-threatening manner.  We determined the answer was no.

“Missy, fuck you.”

“Missy, fug you.”

“Missy, fuggu.”

“Missy, fu q.”

Nope, even removing the strong “k” sound didn’t work.  Try it at home.  Doesn’t work.  You cannot soften “fuck you.”

Moving on to my first career – criminal defense attorney.

Clients often just didn’t feel me, they didn’t get me, unless I could work fuck into the message.  I got really good at it.  Likely from all of my prior practice.

“Mr. Smith, you’ve gotten yourself into some trouble here.”

“I don’t know what you’re talkin’ ’bout.”

“You fucked up.”

“Oh, yeah.  I know.”

Or . . .

“You could be facing some serious jail time on this charge.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“You’re fucked.

“Oh, right.  That’s what I figured.”

Or . . .

“Do you think you can make restitution before your next court date?”

“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”

“Can you pay the fucker back before you come back to court?”

“Oh, yeah, man.  If I can get a fucking job.”

See what I mean?

But truly, my skills with fuck came into their best use when my oldest child hit first grade.

And she always picks when the Big Man is out of town to have the really fun conversations.

“Mommy, did you know there’s a word called FUCK that can get you in trouble at school?”

Literally choking, “yes, honey, where did you hear that?”

“Well, at school today, “Robby told me that when you substitute the D in Duck with an F you get the word Fuck.

And as she’s saying this, she’s taking her hand in the air, pretending to pull the letter D out of the word Duck, reaching down, as if to pick up an F and then pretending to insert the F into the UCK.

“See what I mean?  Duck actually becomes Fuck.  There’s nothing wrong with Duck, so what’s wrong with Fuck?  When Jason said Fuck today he got sent to the principal’s office and that’s when Robby explained how Duck becomes Fuck.”

And that, my friends, is how love of the word Fuck can get passed down to your offspring.   What is not to love about such an expressive word that can also turn Duck into Fuck with one simple letter switch?

And for the record, I used Fuck 31 times in 800 words.  Extreme?  I think not.  Impressive and Expressive.

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

 

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

47 Comments

  1. Jessica@Team Rasler
    October 20, 2011

    Impressive, Missy! I laughed almost every time you used that word, even though it cannot be softened.

    • Missy | Literal Mom
      October 20, 2011

      I agree, Jessica! It CANNOT be softened! Though I did just hear a ballad called “What the fuck was I thinking?” It came as close to softening it as I’ve ever heard!

  2. Alison@Mama Wants This
    October 20, 2011

    Well, Missy, you sure as hell surprised the fuck out of me with this post!

    LOVED It!

  3. sheila
    October 20, 2011

    Great fucking post. :o) You are so silly, lol!

    • Missy | Literal Mom
      October 20, 2011

      I am silly sometimes. I’d almost like to lift the ban on the F word in my house – I’d be able to explain to my kids how I feel so much more eloquently!

  4. Grammy@gram-cracker.com
    October 20, 2011

    Well…..what the fucking fuck??

  5. Missy | Literal Mom
    October 20, 2011

    Lynn – I have a feeling I’m going to have a GREAT day finding fellow F word lovers here. Thanks so much for hosting me! You’re the best!
    Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Wanna Know My Favorite Word?My Profile

  6. becky
    October 20, 2011

    I fucking love it!!

  7. Optimistic Mom
    October 20, 2011

    I must confess, your favorite word is not one that I personally use but I was intrigued to continue reading despite I didn’t have a glass of wine on hand. Don’t get me wrong I am no stranger to hearing it, just ask my husband. lol
    I really like how you expressed the various ways to use the word, because it does come off as very strong…. but as you showed sometimes you just gotta use it to get the point across.
    And I did laugh, although I really tried not to at first……………
    Optimistic Mom recently posted..VaJazzling Your VA-Jay-Jay! by Nicole MorganMy Profile

    • Missy | Literal Mom
      October 20, 2011

      Imagine trying not to laugh like a little school girl when your 7 year old is describing duck and fuck. I had to exercise amazing self-control that day when all I wanted to do was high 5 her and say “YES! You totally get it, girl!”

      Glad you liked it. Even not liking the word. :) It’s an acquired taste – I’ve been acquiring my taste for it for 35 years.
      Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Wanna Know My Favorite Word?My Profile

  8. Name *
    October 20, 2011

    Nice to meet a person who truly understands the value of the ‘F’ word. I Fucking love the ‘F’ word. its so expressive. It can exhibit surprise, ‘Fuck Me!’. It can exhibit anger ‘Fuck that!’ Its can exhibit surprise, ‘Oh my fucking god’. It can also make you laugh, such as when my then-two-year old told my dog to ‘Fucking shut up.’ Anyways, I think that you are a very special type of linguist, and I can see that your daughter is exhibiting the same tendencies of excellence in language. Loved to wake up to this in my inbox.

    • Missy | Literal Mom
      October 20, 2011

      OMG – I have tears from reading this. Yes, you totally get its value! Glad you liked it!

      • mara
        October 20, 2011

        I forgot to leave my name :) Let’s hang out. I think we have a lot in common.

  9. Kristin @ What She Said
    October 20, 2011

    This post is fucking awesome. I literally laughed out loud during the attorney-client convos.

    And you, Missy… here I thought you were all sweetness and innocence. ;)
    Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..The HayrideMy Profile

    • Missy | Literal Mom
      October 20, 2011

      Kristin – we all have layers, don’t we? I’m so glad I could reveal one of my inner layers to you today. And such an important one too! Yes, the attorney client ones are my faves. Absolutely.
      Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Wanna Know My Favorite Word?My Profile

  10. Julie
    October 20, 2011

    When I was in high school my parents threatened to legally change my middle name to Fuck because I said it so much. No surprise, my (almost) 19 year old daughter drops F bombs as often as some of her friends draw breath!

  11. Name *
    October 20, 2011

    Me, all alone, at my desk, repeating the word fuck, over and over, trying to say it nice….I think I came close…My then 2-year-old climbed into the car to go to Grandma’s for the night…she got all buckled in…and then she dropped the f-bomb….”I forgot my FUCKIN’ bag!” Well, I guess she had heard the word before. We got that bag very quickly.

    • Missy | Literal Mom
      October 20, 2011

      THAT is hilarious!

      We used to try to say it with a smile, while batting our eyelashes, with our hands clasped under our chins. Still couldn’t pull it off. :)

      • Chelsea
        October 20, 2011

        Name*…was ME! Chelsea…I didn’t put my name in cauz I didn’t SEE IT! What the FUCK! Laughing while saying was the closest I got…:)

  12. mark @ yelling near you
    October 20, 2011

    Great fucking job. George Carlin would be proud.
    mark @ yelling near you recently posted..Big Orange BabyMy Profile

  13. The Anecdotal Baby
    October 20, 2011

    A girl after my own heart!

  14. kathykate
    October 20, 2011

    I have the well-earned nickname of “Potty-mouth Kathy,” and 4 kids, absurdly prude in-laws, and a Fred Flinstone circa 1950s Boss hasn’t curbed it. I have one thing to say, “FUCK, yaaay-ah!”
    kathykate recently posted..Business Attire RequiredMy Profile

    • Missy | The Literal Mom
      October 20, 2011

      Wow, sounds like you have to walk a fine line between being the potty mouth you are and not offending some relatives! Good luck. That’s a tough position. I’m right there with you.

  15. frank anderson
    October 20, 2011

    This is a fucking great article! i grew up in a strict household where the F word was not permitted. I’m still a straight laced type and have only recently began swearing on-line. I find it fucking catharthic. If anyone wants to help me in this fucking journey, please fucking follow me or send me an e-mail :)

    • Missy | The Literal Mom
      October 20, 2011

      Oh, Frank – I’m always willing to help someone acquire the taste of saying fuck comfortably and appropriately! It’s an important, important word!

      • frank anderson
        October 20, 2011

        Thanks Missy…I feel soooo fucking liberated! Thanks!

  16. Margaret (Nanny Goats)
    October 20, 2011

    Excellent post, my dear. And to your last point, how else would “Fuck a Duck” be so beautiful without one of those words.

    And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to say 31 Hail Marys for reading Fuck 31 times, plus another 2 for writing Fuck, oops 3 for writing fuck, oops 4, for….

    • Missy | The Literal Mom
      October 20, 2011

      I know! I’ve been writing fuck on Twitter all day, telling people how much I love their use of fuck and just all around reveling in the word fuck today. I think I need to go to confession too!

  17. ChiMomWriter
    October 20, 2011

    Missy, I love you. And your deep exploration of the ways to “soften” the phrase. “Fu q.”

  18. Missy | The Literal Mom
    October 20, 2011

    Oh Tracy. We tried so hard. It’s just not possible. :)

  19. My favorite part? Where your daghter reaches into thin air to replace the “D” with an “F.”

    That is effing priceless.

    • Missy | Literal Mom
      October 21, 2011

      Imagine trying to keep a straight face during that. By the end, I was talking to her with my hand over my mouth to contain the idiotic grin!

  20. Betsy at Zen Mama
    October 21, 2011

    Great post Missy! And I wasn’t even offended. That word was NEVER used at our house. We kids all knew that my Mom couldn’t even raise her middle finger on a dare or in jest. I have trouble even thinking it! Although it can be fun…. :) (Now I didn’t write what I first planned… just like my mom!)
    Betsy at Zen Mama recently posted..Take Two Smiles and Call Me In The MorningMy Profile

    • Missy | Literal Mom
      October 21, 2011

      Betsy – I’m SO glad I didn’t change your view of me for the worse! And I’m not surprised at all that you don’t use it. And I’m so glad to hear that! I have a feeling it’s going to be hard to keep it out of our house over the years . . . :)

  21. Margaret
    October 21, 2011

    When I think about how often I sprinkle fuck into my everyday vocabulary, I blush just a twinge. And then I read this…

    When the fuck are we going to get together for a glass of wine, Missy? ;-)
    Margaret recently posted..Light Box for SAD: Does it work?My Profile

    • Missy | Literal Mom
      October 21, 2011

      Sometime soon, I hope! It’s about fucking time, Margaret! :)

  22. mommakiss
    October 21, 2011

    oh my GOD, seriously right up my alley. I’m one of 6 as well, 5th in line. I learned so much from my older siblings. Especially terms of endearment such as this.

    • Missy | Literal Mom
      October 21, 2011

      Yes, we youngests DO learn a lot from those who go before us, don’t we???

  23. Sandra
    October 21, 2011

    And yet, I have you pictured as this demure, quiet lady who says, “Oh shoot your boots!” when in actuality, the girl
    is slammin’! Fucking go Missy!

  24. […] Mum: Top 10 Tips For A Successful Holiday Family Photo ShootLiteral Mom via All Fooked Up: Go Ahead, Amuse Me Literal MomBlogging Dangerously: Fate Is A Fickle BitchSuburban Snapshots: 5 Reasons Why Having A Toddler Is […]

Follow Lynn on Facebook Follow Lynn on Twitter Follow Lynn via RSS Follow Lynn on Pinterest
Enter your Email

Recent articles


Follow Lynn on Facebook Follow Lynn on Twitter Follow Lynn via RSS Follow Lynn on Pinterest




Go to All Fooked Up Store 

Lynn MacDonald Art