This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Mary

 

Today’s guest on Go ahead, amuse me is Mary Rekosh.  Her blog is called Mamasaidknockyouout and here’s what she had to say about herself:

I am a freelance writer, and also a children’s yoga instructor at Bend Yoga Charlottesville. I am the the mother of one awesome chef, and the wife of three small children…wait, that doesn’t sound right. Switch that around. I need a nap.

Sleep Tight Little One, Because The Magic of Childhood is Sneaking Into Your Bedroom Again Tonight

 

Why do we insist on scaring the living daylights out of our children with the Magic of Childhood? It’s no wonder they’re all in a hurry to grow up. You would be too, if every time a milestone or major holiday came around it was marked by somebody sneaking into your home or bedroom at night, and either leaving something behind or taking a body part of yours.

You’ve got the Easter Bunny, who caused some serious panic at my house last spring, because apparently some children dislike thethought of a human-sized rodent hippity-hopping into their home in the night in order to hide hard-boiled eggs (which they hate). They flat out refused to go to sleep until finally, at about 10pm, I gave up and told them that I had just seen a bunny tail hopping back down the driveway away from the house, and the Easter baskets had been delivered OUTSIDE. I congratulated myself on averting yet another crisis with the help of a teeny little white lie (the cornerstone of effective parenting), but have been paying for it ever since with a daily barrage of questions from my bunny-obsessed daughter Janie (4): “What color was the bunny? Pink? Purple? Do you think it was a girl? Was she wearing anything fancy? Is it Easter again tomorrow? Was she pink? Was she purple? Did she sparkle? Did she have fingernails? Were they painted pink? WERE THEY PAINTED PIIIIINK MOMMYYYYY???!!!!??? Do you think she likes princesses? Was she wearing shoes? Party Shoes? Were they pink? Was she beautiful? Is it Easter again yet? Will it be Easter after lunch?”

Of course there’s Santa Claus, but he’s not any more unnerving than any other bearded, overweight gentleman taking a break from his seasonal work at the mall and his busy life breaking elf labor laws on the North Pole to slip down the chimney into your living room in the dead of night. His increasingly annoying sidekick, The Elf-On-The-Shelf (whose creator, I’m pretty sure, is sitting on her own private island sipping Mai-Tais and ogling her oiled-up poolboy, while collecting another cool million for every time one of us sucker parents wakes up at 2am in a cold sweat because we didn’t move the God D@*n Elf again) is also pretty innocuous, and definitely no more disturbing than your average garden gnome who’s been sent to spy on you for a full month before Christmas. Although our elf did have to send twice-weekly notes to the kids in order to assuage their constant fear that he would sneak into their rooms and watch them sleep. But never, NEVER did our elf consider suspending operations in our home. He is kind of like a Navy Seal of delivering Childhood Magic without hesitation or fatigue.

Then there’s the Tooth Fairy, and to be honest I kind of get where that’s a little bit unsettling:

“Yes, honey, I know that it’s strange and kind of scary that one of your teeth just fell right out of your head. But here’s where it gets SUPER freaky: Tonight a winged stranger is going to sneak into your room and take that dead tooth right out from under your pillow while you’re sleeping. Hmmm, good question: Actually I don’t know what she looks like. No, I don’t think we should ‘Google it’. (I’ve been hesitant to Google anything since I recently tried to find ideas for ways to get more exposure for this little blog project by Google-ing ‘Exposing Myself’. I don’t recommend this. Side Note: Hairy old men are surprisingly adept with webcams.) No, I don’t know how big she is, yes, probably bigger than a hamster…but with wings. Yes, I guess like a beetle that’s bigger than a hamster. Don’t be afraid though because you might get a dollar! No, that won’t buy you a Wii. Nope, pet armadillos cost more than a dollar too. Well, no, I don’t know what she does with the teeth, but if we ever go to somebody’s house for dinner and they’ve got a lampshade made out of baby teeth, we’ll know that we’re closing in on her.”

 

When we adults reach a certain age, our bodies start to morph as well, and not in a good way like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. More like a caterpillar turning into a Sophia from the Golden Girls, or Gary Busey. But I don’t think many men would toss their beer across the room and do a Tom Cruise-style couchdance of excitement if we told them: “Ooh, that’s so exciting you lost three more hairs! That bald spot is really beginning to take shape; you must really have a lot of testosterone, big guy. Now here’s what’s going to go down: When you go to bed tonight, put those hairs in this adorable little pouch I made just for you, and a creepy little dude is going to come in and take it from right under your increasingly shiny noggin. But don’t worry because he’ll leave you a Starbucks gift card for like eleven cents! No, I don’t know what he looks like, but he may very well be wearing a hockey mask with little metal bars over the mouth. Maybe he’s a huge, spooky antique baby doll, you know the kind whose eyes are always rolling back into his head. Or perhaps he’s just a giant clown with X’s for eyes. But remember: Starbucks gift card! Sleep tight.”

 

When Ben lost his first tooth last year, he was overjoyed and beside himself with excitement!!! No, no he wasn’t. He Freaked The Hell Out, and the other kids threw tantrums too, just for good measure. These weren’t just any run of the mill crying fits like kids have when they find out that you snuck vegetables underneath the cheese on their pizza and they accidentally ate something green. No, these were full blown meltdowns, like they have when they are already strapped into the moving car and they’re told that their destination is the doctor’s office for S-H-O-T-S. (Yessss, maybe I DO know exactly what that kind of meltdown sounds like. Don’t judge me, just because I don’t want my kids getting Hepatitis. Yellow eyes do NOT look cute on Christmas cards.) Oh, and by the way: Kids learn how to spell ‘shots’ really early. I don’t know how Janie, who thought up until about last week that her name started with the letter “Three”, learned how to spell that as a toddler.

Anyway, after the lost tooth tantrum waned, Ben immediately posted a note on his bedroom door that read: “No Tooth Fairy allowed because tooth is downstairs. Please leave reward in kitchen.” He then made me sleep with the tooth under MY pillow, while Janie refused to sleep in her own bed on the off chance that the Tooth Fairy wanted her teeth too, which were clearly secured in her mouth. We all enjoyed this experience so much that the next time Ben lost a tooth, which happened to be during a large extended family holiday dinner, he immediately threw it under the table in hopes that nobody would notice…and I really, really wanted to let him get away with it. But I couldn’t, because at the end of the day I had to uphold my parental responsibility to make him suck it up and endure the Magic of Childhood. Abra-Ca-Freaking-Dabra

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

 

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

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6 Comments

  1. Jo
    June 7, 2012

    I think it is part of our culture. Let’s admit it, our childhood would have been boring if we don’t even know some of these and then we’ll eventually realize that none of these are true.. Great post.
    Jo recently posted..online from Michelle taylerMy Profile

  2. Claudia
    June 7, 2012

    That was pretty amusing. Blew me away, loved that.
    Claudia recently posted..3144 בעלי מקצוע שנבדקוMy Profile

  3. Mayor Gia
    June 7, 2012

    Hahahah that’s so cute that your kids are so scared of the tooth fairy. I never really thought about it!
    Mayor Gia recently posted..First World Problems and ZombiesMy Profile

  4. Jester Queen
    June 7, 2012

    I can’t wait until I can quit these lies. My husband thinks it’s magic, I think it’s bullshit, and ne’er the twain shall meet. (So I just concede the point in this case.) When my daughter was very small, she was terrified of The Claus. She’s autistic. She heard “Santa Claws” and thought he was coming to rend her limb from limb. We had to tell her, “Don’t worry, it’s just us. We wouldn’t hurt you.” But then, when she turned five, she suddenly WANTED to believe, and now refuses any other perspective, meaning I have to maintain the pretense for her brother, who is going to be PISSED OFF when he finds out. Ugh. I have fewer reservations about Easter Rodents and thieves of teeth, though the principle is the same.

  5. Queenie
    June 8, 2012

    Love, love, love this! You really amused me with your tooth fairy…
    Queenie recently posted..indian government jobsMy Profile

  6. David M. Quintero
    June 12, 2012

    Very funny experience. kids are so easy to be scared with our story. but we have to tell them the truth. in the near future when grow up they will discover that we’re just scaring them.
    David M. Quintero recently posted..Why HGH Avanced is Rated #1My Profile

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