This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Melanie

Hi, my name is Melanie. I write a blog over at Sporkgasm. I am really honored to be guest blogging over here at All Fooked Up. I am a brand new baby blogger. My writing is all over the place, but mainly deals with my crazy brain that doesn’t seem to ever work right, being a weirdo, accepting myself and being authentic to who I am no matter what others think, and sometimes it’s about the food I cook. Sound unfocused? It’s a kind of focused mayhem really. Anyways, here’s a tidbit I wrote a while back when I was having an especially lovely day at work. Hope you enjoy it. If nothing else, it’ll let you know you’re not the biggest a**hole on the planet. I’m not either, but sometimes I think I may be in the running.

How Come No One Told Me?

 

That today was “be a complete and total asshole day.” Now, I will admit that I started off the day poorly when I saw a sign for cheap prime rib and immediately thought to call grandma and see if she wanted to check it out, only to realize my grandma has been dead over four months and it sent me in to a tailspin. That being said, I didn’t punch anyone in the throat, which is a small miracle considering:

 

I had a lady at work pretty much hang up on me mid-sentence when I asked her for a hard copy of something. I laughed out loud when her supervisor came up and I asked, “Is _____ in a bad mood today? Because as I was asking her for something she hung up on me after telling me to check with you about it. I have to say, I’m feeling mighty professional right now for not calling her back and asking if she needed a face suppository.”

 

I had all my calories counted out for the day so couldn’t join in the Mexican hot chocolate festivities outside the big boss’ office. As I walked by one of the women asked, “Oh, too good for us then?” To which I replied, “Did you not get the memo? I totally think I’m better than everyone else here and therefore refuse to stand around drinking chocolate from a cup. That’s totally it. It’s not that I’m watching my calories and doing some work. It’s that I have delusions of grandeur.” I instantly regretted it and went back and apologized to the woman after the party had broken up. I still think she kind of deserved it, but I try to rise above.

 

I went in to the restroom to go potty and in my favorite stall (yes, I have a favorite stall) someone had smeared shit all over the seat of the toilet. First of all, how does shit get on the side of the seat, the back of the seat, AND the other side? Did someone purposely move their ass around after letting a big one and purposely smear poo? Did monkeys invade? Also, when she got up (or when the monkey got up) was the poo not visible so that grabbing some tp to wipe it up would have been appropriate? If I didn’t have such an aversion to cell phones in bathrooms I would have gone back and taken a picture, because I like to overshare. I got back to my desk and called the front desk, but I feel totally bad for the janitor who has to go in and clean up human feces, ‘cause some disgusting lazy ass woman couldn’t aim in to the toilet correctly. If you are having that bad of poo issues, stay home.

 

I was waiting on something on a tight deadline and the woman whom I was to give it to after came up to me every 20 minutes asking, “Do you have that yet?” To which I calmly replied several times before I finally said, “It must be nice…” Baiting her to ask, “What must be nice?” I said, “To lead such a charmed life that you are SO worried about this item that I have not gotten yet. Those of us with real problems don’t feel the need to pester others about things they obviously don’t have. But when I do have the item you will be the first to know. And congratulations again on the charmed life and all that jazz.” She didn’t get an apology.

 

In closing, I am not at all proud about my responses to any of the above situations. Life happens. But when I’m in a bad mood life happens and sometimes I can’t hold in my snark. Maybe I’ll make a shirt to wear on days like this that says, “Warning: Snark Attack Pending.”

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

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16 Comments

  1. Mildred
    April 19, 2012

    I usually read to learn something because I research most of the day to write articles. being a curious person all my life has labeled me a bookworm by other children growing up so i still carry that title today.
    Mildred recently posted..The Magic of Making Up reviewMy Profile

    • Melanie
      April 19, 2012

      Dear spam (aka Mildred),
      I never really liked you as you are overly salty with a strange fuchsia gelatinous layer on top of you. But the Hawaiians adore you, so there must be something going on there I’m missing. Thanks for coming by pink mystery meat.

  2. Mayor Gia
    April 19, 2012

    YAY Sporkgasm! That poo thing is GROSS. But your other reponses are right on – snark is deserved for nosy/rude people.
    Mayor Gia recently posted..Pigletta Again.My Profile

    • Melanie
      April 19, 2012

      Thanks Gia. The poo thing was gross, but somehow I really wanted to take a picture of it. I am crazy, I know. I sometimes snark before I know it. It’s like a hiccup. Haha.

  3. Jester Queen
    April 19, 2012

    1) Your blog title ends in ‘gasm’
    2) You actually tell off people who deserve it.

    Clearly, we are destined to be friends for life.

    • Melanie
      April 19, 2012

      Thanks Jester. I have always really loved your comments on here. Thanks for going over to check out the blog. My email is in my profile if you ever want to exchange strange stories.

  4. Pamela D Hart
    April 19, 2012

    Melanie, YOU rock! I have snarky days too. I call them “bitchy days”, though. I warn people I know ahead of time, “Hey, I’m having a bitchy day today.” They normally stay out of my way! It’s the unsuspecting people (at stores and such) that I feel sorry for. Well, maybe not. If they are rude, they deserve it! lol.

    I’ve been reading through your blog. I LOVE it!
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..Silence Is GoldenMy Profile

    • Melanie
      April 19, 2012

      Thanks so much Pamela. Yeah, no one is perfect. I used to have pretty much all bitchy days, now they are about one work day a week. That’s progress. And I can’t lie, I really sometimes pat myself on the back for some of my comebacks. Then I feel guilty, then I don’t. Haha.

  5. Jax
    April 19, 2012

    Girl, you CRACK me up!!!!! I always love your snarky comments, whether they be on this page or sporkgasm. :)

    • Melanie
      April 20, 2012

      Thanks Jax!

  6. Laura
    April 19, 2012

    Hi Melanie.. This is the first time i have heard about Sporkgasm.. There are really a lot of things that happen in our life but we have to make sure that we still make our day right at the end of it..
    Laura recently posted..Easter of a different kindMy Profile

    • Melanie
      April 20, 2012

      Agreed Laura. If you check the blog out you’ll see that I talk about that a lot. How we all have bad days and do or say things we regret. All we can do is start fresh every morning and try to keep our heads up and be positive.

  7. Alaina
    April 19, 2012

    Those shitty days give true meaning to the phrase about “shit hitting the fan” or in your case, every side of the toilet seat. Gross.
    Alaina recently posted..UnHallmark Cards.My Profile

    • Melanie
      April 20, 2012

      Alaina, you started my morning with a laugh. Thank you.

  8. Reanna
    April 22, 2012

    Sucky days make great posts. Your day certainly resonates with me, particularly the “Oh, too good for us then?” situation.

    I recently resolved to stop talking smack at work… it was painful and not entirely successful. But I did come up with some cathartic messages to send in the mail.

    Oh, and great response to “Mildred.” Hee hee.
    Reanna recently posted..Would You Mind Terribly if I Stabbed You in the Eye?My Profile

  9. Melissa Kauffold
    April 25, 2012

    Oh my God, tears through laughter…lol! Seriously that poo part gave me the biggest belly laugh!
    I work in a cubicle farm and deal with some of the dumbest people on earth, so this post really hit home! So glad I found your blog (from blogess.com)!

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