This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Michael

 

 

 

Todays guest on Go ahead, amuse me is Michael Rochelle and here’s what he has to say about himself:

Hello, everyone!  I’m Michael Rochelle and I have a humor blog called Hypothetically Speaking at www.justmichael.net/blog where I write various pieces about all the goings-on in Michael Land, ranging from the time I flunked the GMAT, to the time I accidentally flunked a cholesterol test and was forced to change my eating habits to only fat-free lettuce and diet water (and I studied for that test), to that one time when I tried to do a push-up.

I have to say that it’s truly an honor to be contributing to All Fooked Up for two reasons.  One, isn’t it totally obvious that this is one of the coolest blogs on the planet?  And, two, May marks the three-year anniversary of my own humor blog and this is my first guest post—ever!!!  I’m truly excited about it.  It feels like a reward of some sort.  All shiny with someone else’s name scratched out at the bottom and mine taped in over it.  Lynn has definitely made my year.

Anyway, what you’re about to read is a never-before-seen entry about how I’m dealing with pending unemployment with dignity and grace until further notice.  Readers of my own blog are going to be so pissed when they Google me (dirty) and find out that I have new material posted here that they will never see on my own blog unless they click on the link to this post.  I’ll do something special for them later—time to break out my stripper boots.

So, feel free to check out my blog and leave comments here or there because I love and appreciate the feedback.  Also, if you have a blog, feel free to share it so I’ll be able to return the favor.

Thanks again for the opportunity.  This is so awesome.  And, Lynn, good luck with all you have going on this week.

 

They Shoot Unemployed People, Don’t They?

A few weeks ago, I learned that the company I work for was being bought out.  Purchased.    Acquired, as a more refined person would say.  Of course, I’ve been beside myself ever since for a number of reasons.  One, we’re in the midst of those awkward few weeks where it’s kind of like that show, “Survivor,” and no one knows when or if they’ll be voted off the island.  It could happen at any moment and already has for some people.  No lie, every time my manager or a HR member calls my name, I respond, “Crap, is this it?  Is it my time to go?  But I still have so much unfinished business.  Please don’t check the files or internet history on my computer just yet!”

 

Two, when and if my day does come, I’m not sure how I’ll take it even though I’ve had time to process the information.  Will I maintain my composure and thank everyone for the career opportunity as I’m escorted out the door by the janitor who has also taken on security detail due to downsizing?  Will I fall to my knees and roll around on the floor while asking why they chose to let me go BEFORE Katie, the one who only eats colored chalk and Post-it notes in the break room during lunch because of their low calorie content?  Or, will I break down and beg them to reconsider because I have four fish and a houseplant at home depending on me?  It’s truly a toss-up.  The one thing I’m absolutely sure of is that I WILL be politely knocking over my stapler as a last act of defiance on my way out.

 

Since receiving the news, I’ve been obsessed with updating my resume, spending hours trying to decide whether words like “performed” are better than words like “handled.”  I mean, obviously “performed” equals future employment, while “handled” equals soup kitchen specials for the next six months.  Hey, if you can’t choose the most appropriate wording on your resume, then what can you do correctly?  One poorly placed “managed” and employers won’t even trust you to sort their paper clips.  Because I work in the corporate world and have given up my stripper roots, that sort of thing matters.

 

I’ve also become addicted to websites like CareerBuilder and Indeed.  Some nights I’ll wake up at 3 in the morning just to check to see if any new jobs had been posted since I’d gone to bed.  If there is anything that my pursuit of an MBA has taught me, it’s that the early car gets the premium unleaded gas at its choice of pumps.  Those who waste precious time sleeping miss out on perfectly lucrative job opportunities.  I mean, if McDonald’s is hiring for middle-aged fry guys, I want to be the first to know, and the only way to do that is to keep checking the job sites—even when you’re at the urinal.  Don’t judge me.  It’s only unsanitary if you don’t wash your hands afterwards.  I’ve learned to multitask.

 

It’s normal to be a tad bit uptight when you’re unsure of where your next pay check will be coming from or how many more you should expect to come in.  Ever since the news went public about the acquisition (a word I need to somehow squeeze on my resume), I can’t help but feel like the credit card and student loan folks have been “checking in” a lot more often.  It’s as if they can smell a potential default in the air.  I’m scared to answer the phone.  Here’s what happened yesterday:

 

Visa Rep:  Good morning, Mr. Rochelle.  Just checking to see if you’d be able to make your minimum payment this month.

Me:  Why wouldn’t I?  I haven’t been fired yet.

Visa Rep:  Oh, but your day is coming, and we want our money either way, (insert appropriate, resume-ready expletive here).  I bet you wish you’d signed up for that insurance that would have covered you during a situation like this.

Me:  Oh yeah, is it too late for me to sign up for that?

Visa Rep:  Of course it is.  You’re about to lose your job.  You think we’d offer you the coverage now?  Bwahahahaha.  We’ll be waiting for you, Mr. Rochelle.  Late fees.  Increased interest rates.  Bwahahahaha.  And don’t forget, we know where you work—or used to work.  Bwahahahaha.

 

That’s when I hang up, cry, hide in my closet, and try to determine which credit card to default on first if worse comes to worst. I think I’ll stop paying the Kohl’s card first.  They’re the only ones who haven’t threatened the life of my first born child yet.  However, even they are poised and ready to strike and take my dad out if need be.

 

On the flip side, knowing what could potentially happen is definitely a plus on some levels.  Although one day I expect my manager to be standing in the middle of a conference room with a tray full of roses fewer than the number of employees waiting to hear their names called, a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders when you know there probably won’t be any future performance evaluations by which you’ll be inadequately judged.  It’s incredibly freeing to be able to respond to various work request imposed on you with an, “Umm, that deadline just doesn’t work for me,” or, “Umm, I think I’m going to empower you with the opportunity to tackle that assignment your damn self,” while throwing in a casual “And don’t ask me again” for good measure.  Yeah, good times.

 

Another good thing is that I know that my mother wouldn’t mind having her 32-year-old son back at home.  I believe she’s just joking when she says, “I’m not sure that would work, Michael.  Peanut (the rabbit) is already settled in your old room now.  We can’t be your only option.  This is Baltimore.  There has to be a vacant crack den out there somewhere.  You’d be amazed how quickly you can turn a vacant room into something spectacular with the use of a simple, well-placed pillow.”  No, I don’t think she’s serious.  I believe she’s getting me back for all the years I’d stormed out yelling “I’m NEVER coming home again.”  Well, you know, “never” is such a relative term.

 

In closing, although I don’t know when the crap will hit the fan, the one thing I can guarantee is that it will be a very eventful day.  I’ve been taking one item home off my desk each day, and I’ve already saved the nearest unemployment office as a favorite on my GPS.  Although the unemployment funds won’t even cover the cost of my monthly rent, it sure will be fun starting each morning with my own rendition of “It’s A Hard Knock Life” from Annie.  Just imagine me swinging from a chandelier or doing back flips on the bed like they did in the movie.  I’ll certainly have more free time on my hands to learn the choreography since I will no longer be required to shower on a daily basis.  Maybe I’ll even finish that book I started 23 years ago.  Hmmm.

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

 

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18 Comments

  1. Josie
    May 24, 2012

    You make me laugh this morning! Thanks a million for this funny story.
    Josie recently posted..Aromatherapy Oils for HairMy Profile

    • Michael Rochelle
      May 24, 2012

      Thanks for the feedback, Josie. I truly appreciate it!!!

  2. Jester Queen
    May 24, 2012

    Oh sheesh! I hope you aren’t among the axed. Although, I guess by now, you have found out your fate, haven’t you. Did you survive? Are you still living on tenterhooks? Were you fired?

    http://jesterqueen.com

    • Michael Rochelle
      May 24, 2012

      Hey Jester!!!

      I have not been fired–YET!!! I wrote that blog post this past weekend so you’re as up to date as I am. The acquisition won’t be finalized until July 2nd so we’re just kind of sitting here hoping for the best, but things don’t look good. The expectation is that some of us will make it to the end of the year, but not to get our hopes up.

      So, for now, I’m still employed. How long I’ll still be amongst the employed population, that I don’t know.

  3. Melanie
    May 24, 2012

    Ack. I got anxiety just reading this for you. I do the same thing about planning and going through all of the scenarios in my head. And even though I have had this job over a year, I still think every time I get called in to talk to my boss, it’s going to be because I’ve done something wrong.

    I hope they fire the post it eater first. I like post its. She’s wasting them.

    • Michael Rochelle
      May 24, 2012

      Yeah, the Post-it eater definitely has to go.

      The ironic thing is that my supervisor and manager are so super cool here that I should have figured the scenario was too good to be true. I liked the job and was on track to grow. I liked my coworkers. The building is really nice. And there’s free coffee!!! Something had to go wrong, right?

      Why do you still feel like you’ve done something wrong whenever you get called in to see your boss?
      Michael Rochelle recently posted..My Blog Be an Old LadyMy Profile

      • Melanie
        May 24, 2012

        Guilty conscience. :)

        • Michael Rochelle
          May 24, 2012

          In that case, I’m ok with it. Like I always say when someone threatens to take me to HR because I lightly brush their arm, “I’m telling you now, if I’m going to HR, it’s going to be for a good reason,” right before I grab…well, you know. LOL. Then when the HR person recounts the story, you can nod your head in agreement and give a “Yup, I did that” while checking it off on the list of offenses that you printed out prior to the meeting.
          Michael Rochelle recently posted..My Blog Be an Old LadyMy Profile

  4. Liz D
    May 24, 2012

    I feel for you and seriously appreciate your sense of humor on the situation. When I was laid off from the last corporate job I had (which included my entire department getting the boot), they gave us a months notice! And I was supposed to stay motivated to work why? Then I had to immediately leave to catch a flight for a business trip and got into a car accident in the parking lot. It was a REALLY good day.
    Liz D recently posted..Yves Saint Laurent RetrospectiveMy Profile

    • Michael Rochelle
      May 24, 2012

      Wow, Liz, that situation sounds horrible. I guess it’s all about perspective. Some would say that it’s good to get any form of notice and not just randomly be told that today is your last day. However, if you aren’t able to find “the right” job within a month or three months or whatever, then you’re still in that same boat. Anybody can get a job at McDonalds or Walmart, but will that pay the mortgage or cover healthcare cost for your family? Probably not.

      Sorry again that you had such a rough time. Hopefully, things are on track for you now though.
      Michael Rochelle recently posted..My Blog Be an Old LadyMy Profile

  5. Jen Anderson
    May 24, 2012

    Take it from an ex-dot commer – unemployment never lasts as long as you think it will. Work on that book now because you’ll be working again sooner than you expect (says the woman who spent an afternoon wedding the parking lot at the volunteer fire department instead of working on her sci fi novel). But spend as if your unemployment will be lasting forever – you’re going to want to console yourself with $15 cocktails and $10 craft beers. Don’t do it – $15 buys a lot of ramen.
    Jen Anderson recently posted..The Fucking LasagnaMy Profile

  6. Mayor Gia
    May 24, 2012

    Ha! Parents. But YIKES – that sounds incredibly stressful. Here’s hoping for the best!
    Mayor Gia recently posted..Boyfriend is My HeroMy Profile

  7. Michael Rochelle
    May 24, 2012

    Thank you so much, Mayor Gia!!!
    Michael Rochelle recently posted..My Blog Be an Old LadyMy Profile

  8. Fearless Fibro Warrior
    May 24, 2012

    The great thing is this could be some awesome opportunity to blog some cool experience, like, “which bodily fluid nourishes plants the best when my water gets shut off” or, “how to turn generic spaghetti-os into fine cuisine fit for a future spouse with a good job”, or “how to live on unemployment while selling useless crap on Craigslist for fun and profit”.

    Best of luck to you!

  9. Born27
    June 1, 2012

    Nice one Michael! You really amused me today and made me laugh hard! Thanks for that advice! I should check your site too!
    Born27 recently posted..http://www.abconferencecall.comMy Profile

    • Michael Rochelle
      June 2, 2012

      Glad I make you chuckle a little bit. LOL. Definitely let me know what you think if you make it to my site and of course I’ll return the favor.
      Michael Rochelle recently posted..My Blog Be an Old LadyMy Profile

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