This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Pam

 

 

Hello everyone! It’s time for Go ahead, amuse me and todays guest is Pam Hart.  Pam has been a LONG TIME reader of All Fooked Up so I hope you go to her site and check it out.  Heres her intro:

Hi, I’m Pamela D. Hart and I write at Hart’s Beat. I don’t write a lot of funny posts. I suppose it’s because I’m not a humorous person. I’m more your serious analytical type, although I have been known to toss out a few witty one-liners and a funny story or two. Plus I live with a husband and two sons who are total clowns (even if their humor is quite sarcastic and gets on my one last nerve) so someone needs to be the adult!

 

But let me tell you, I’m pretty sure I’d get my back molars yanked if I could come up with bust a gut posts like Lynn MacDonald! This chick really should do stand-up or at least be a guest on comedy shows!

 

Anyway, when I read that Lynn had a Best Friend Application, I just HAD to fill it out! If there was a way I could become her BEST friend, maybe…just maybe some of her awesome humor would rub off on me and I’d become hilarious! Plus I might even come up with more blog posts and be inundated with so many readers that I’d be instantly propelled to the Top 100 Best Blog list.

 

Then the people in my head woke me up and told me to just submit the damn application because you can never have enough BEST friends…especially if they give you a daily dose of laughter.

 

Lynn MacDonald’sBest Friend Application

 

 

1. What is your name? Pamela D Hart

 

2. What is your quest? To be Lynn MacDonald’s BESTEST friend (Crossing my eyes because I’m lying and I can’t cross my fingers while I’m typing).

 

3. What is the capital of Assyria? I could cheat and Google, but I’m busy typing this app, so seriously, I have no clue and could give two shits.

 

4. Did you know those are all from Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Oh, shit. NO, I did NOT. And since that’s probably like you’re favorite movie, I’m totally screwed now, huh?

 

5. Who is the funniest person you know? WOW! A super-duper easy one! LYNN MACDONALD!

 

6. Who is the funniest person ever in the history of the world even though you haven’t met some people? Oh.my.gosh! Another easy one! (You must really need a bestest friend) LYNN MACDONALD!

 

 

7. What does the earth revolve around? (hint: the correct answer is not “the sun”) Okay, what’s the gig? Do you think I’m mentally challenged? Lynn MacDonald. (Are all the answers to this test Lynn MacDonald?)

 

8. Who makes the best cookies? Aw, hell, do you even bake…I don’t think so, because you said you are an UNDER-achiever. But IF you baked YOU would make the best cookies in the universe. So, Lynn MacDonald bakes the BEST cookies!

 

9. How old are you? Seriously? You really want me to confess to my REAL age? Okay…30.

 

10.        If you’re under 18, do you have permission from your mom to even be talking to me? My mom would probably pay you to be my friend so accept this application before she reconsiders and sends me to a psyche ward…I mean on vacation.

 

11. Will you cater to my every whim and need? Ah, Lynn, I cater to you now. I tell you how hilarious you are and how your blog is so awesome. What more do you want from me?

 

12. What would a good nickname for me be? Maclarious–get it? (Mac)Donald+Hi(larious)

 

13. What 50 words best describe Lynn MacDonald? Holy Shit! Fifty fucking words! I said in my introduction that I’d give my back molars to have enough info to fill my blog and you want ME to come up with fifty words to describe YOU! How about YOU take hilarious and awesome and we call it even?

 

14. If you think I’m a bitch, is it necessarily a bad thing? Being a bitch is a badge of honor!

 

15. Do you like this font? If not then why not? My favorite person Keely decided she liked it… Answer the question. I love the font. I’m a font freak. I like all different fonts. If you read my fucking blog, you’d see I use a Lobster font. Do you even know what THAT font is? Huh? Huh?

 

16. One time at band camp… (please finish the sentence in the funniest way possible. You will be graded. This question is worth five points of your final grade! If your answer cannot be read to class, then you should have written a better one – one you are proud enough of to read to me and my entire family.) One time at band camp I had to fill-out a best friend application and I failed. Miserably. I got every answer WRONG. Even my name.

 

17. What is the average velocity of an unladen swallow? Listen, Queenie, I’m just a measly peasant, so I wouldn’t know these kinds of things.

 

18. What type of music do you listen to? Anything except Rap (please don’t like Rap!)

 

19. Who would you rather spend a half an hour with: Lynn MacDonald or Michael Jordan or George W. Bush? Who the hell are Michael Jordan and George Bush? I only know that Lynn MacDonald is the funniest woman alive! She should be a freaken stand up comic!

 

 

20.         Why on all these tens numbers does it keep indenting? Because there are Gremlins in our computers that like to mess with our heads.

 

 

21. And now it’s back to normal. What’s the deal with that? It’s those fucking gremlins again.

 

22.       Okay, wait. Now it’s doing it on this one. Is it because it’s the first number on the page? What is your philosophy? I already told you. Don’t you listen to me? If we become the bestest friends in the whole universe, are you gonna do all the talking and I’m gonna do all the listening?

 

23. Are you aware that hundreds of people have been fired from my best friend position? I am now.

 

24. Can you handle the pressure? The people in my head say I love a challenge.

 

25. Are you easily intimidated by Lynn MacDonald’s superior intellect, sense of humor, and incredible looks?  I’m too blonde to know any better.

 

26. Do you think I’m full of myself? You’re full of something, but certainly not yourself!

 

27. I’m not. Get over it. This isn’t a question. Oh good, my head is beginning to hurt.

 

28. Have you ever won a wet t-shirt contest? If so, how much money did you win? Why, do I have to PAY to be your best friend, too?

 

29. Can you BUST A MOVE? I need to be careful these days because I could bust a hip!

 

30. What are your favorite movies? Choose wisely… Are we playing Indiana Jones now? My favorite movie would be Monty Python, duh! And hey, Indian Jones looked for that Holy Grail thing too!

 

31. If you’re a boy, are you willing to date my amazing daughters, Keely and Andie? I have a 19 year old son, he’d be willing, I’m sure!

 

32. You would realize that you wouldn’t date them both at the same time, right? That would be a great disappoint; I’ll break it to him gently.

 

 

33. Would you rather read:

 

                       a. Star (aka “smut”)

 

                       b. Sports Illustrated

 

                       c. The Wall Street Journal

C. The Wall Street Journal

 

34. If C was your preferred choice, do not go any further. If A was your choice, give me the scuttlebutt. If you chose B… then you aren’t very special, are you?  Oh I’m “special” alright.

 

35. Are you a Yankees fan? I’m from Pennsylvania so I’m a Yankee.

 

36. If so, can you be converted to a rabid Red Sox fan? Probably, I can be pretty rabid during certain times of the month.

 

37. Or maybe just a regular Red Sox fan? I prefer matching my socks to my underwear and bra.

 

38. Rabid is preferred. Foaming at the mouth is good… Oh I do a lot of foaming at the mouth during beast week.

 

39. Are you answering these questions honestly or just sucking up? Which one will get you to make me your bestest friend?

 

40. What do you think of a martyr starter kit? I have one, so I think they are pretty damn cool!

 

41. Have you ever seen such a kit? No, but I can make one.

 

42. Would you willing to market it for Lynn MacDonald? I do believe I told you that I HATE grocery shopping!

 

43. EXTRA CREDIT: Are you willing to call on a daily basis? My parole officer said I’m an excellent stalker.

 

44. What do you think of the word “strategery?” I think it’s on loan from God.

 

45. Do you think I’m getting off-topic? There’s a topic? Oh…wait…no.

 

46. If so, explain why. If not, then how come? I know there’s a method to your madness…I mean genius.

 

47. Show me the money… SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!…? I would but this IS a computer and those damn gremlins might steal it!

 

48. What movie is that from? Now you’re trying to trick me! You think I’m gonna say Jerry Maguire but everyone knows it’s Monty Python!

 

49. I knew that. Why did you tell me? Of course you knew and I told you because I’m sucking up!

 

50. Do you like it when I repeat my hilarious stories? Of course I do.

 

51. A lot of times? Yeppers

 

52. A whoooooooooole lot of times? Oh.my.gosh. Redundant much. YES!

 

53. Are you sure? Do you doubt my sincerity?

 

 

54. Okay fine. I believe you. Should I believe you? Of course you should, the voices say I’m honest as Abe. Lincoln, that is.

 

55. What kind of stories can I tell you:

 

 

          a. G rated

 

          b. PG-13

 

          c. R

 

          d. X and above

 

D.  X and above

56. I have a lot of X and above. Be prepared. For what, the end of the world? You do know it’s December 21, 2012?

 

57. Are you easily shocked? Only at the hospital ward when they put those pretty leather bracelets on my wrists and ankles.

 

58. Are you lacking a sense of humor? If so, why are you even bothering to fill this out? I have a sense of humor. It just gets lost with my mind sometimes.

 

Essays (Worth a lot of your grade. Suck up to the people who grade them – Andie and Keely and myself, the amazing Lynn MacDonald – make sure you do well on it! You may use additional paper if needed.)

 

 

1. In a mere 500 words, tell me why you currently have no best friend. What makes you think you’re best friend material? Come on! FIVE HUNDRED WORDS! That sucks. I already answered fifty-eight questions, isn’t that enough! Can I send you some blood instead?

 

 

2. In a well thought-out ENGLILSH paper, tell me what a good question about myself would be. Give supporting details and make sure you use metaphors and similes for good imagery. Extra points given for cool nickname.  Holy shit, you write every damn day and can’t come up with a good question for yourself? This sucks! I give up. Either you want me for a friend or you don’t!

 

 

So there you have it. Lynn MacDonald’s Best Friend Application filled out by Moi. Maybe you could fill one out too. She really likes them. I KNOW, I’m her soon-to-be-bestest friend, the voices in my head told me so.

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

 

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

 

 

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22 Comments

  1. Julie
    February 2, 2012

    Wow, Pamela D Hart ~ you are 30 years old and have a 19 year old son. Hubba Hubba.

    Guurl, you were getting your groove on while I was still “selling” tickets to my mom and her friends to watch my roller skating shows! (They drank wine on the front porch and watched me skate up and down the driveway to Donny Osmond, Bobby Sherman and The Partridge Family. I charged them $0.25 for the performances.)

    BTW, was you Bff application accepted?

    • Pamela D Hart
      February 2, 2012

      Julie, yes, I’m a groovy 30 year old with a 19 year old son. Thirty and HOLDING, that is!

      **Sigh** No, Lynn hasn’t answered my application yet. I’m thinking it has to go through a very rigorous verification process.

  2. Ron
    February 2, 2012

    Pamela, this was freakin’ faaaaaabulous, girl!

    “37. Or maybe just a regular Red Sox fan? I prefer matching my socks to my underwear and bra.”

    Bwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You kill me, women!

    “I don’t write a lot of funny posts. I suppose it’s because I’m not a humorous person. ”

    Well, I disagree. I think you’re HILARIOUS! But the thing I like most about your blog is that you blend both humor and introspective topics together.

    Lynn, thank you for highlighting Pamela. She’s truly one of my favorite bloggers!
    Ron recently posted..You’ve Got MailMy Profile

    • Lynn
      February 2, 2012

      well Ron, it was my pleasure. If you’re funny, feel free to submit your own blog!

    • Pamela D Hart
      February 2, 2012

      Ron, first I want to say “thank you” for visiting me her at Lynn’s blog. She’s truly a great gal. Have a gander at some of her other posts and I guarantee you’ll have a grand time!

      Thanks for the compliment, Ron, you are just TOO sweet! And I suggest others to click on over to your blog. It’s full of humor and introspective topics too! That’s why I like IT and YOU so much!

      ((HUGS))

  3. Dawn
    February 2, 2012

    Once again, I am GREATLY amused. How do you guys do it???
    Obviously I am taking myself WAAAAYYYY too seriously and need to lighten the fuck up.

    • Pamela D Hart
      February 2, 2012

      Dawn, it’s easier for me if I make fun of SOMETHING, like spam/scam emails…or best friend applications. And since Lynn hasn’t approved mine yet, I’ve probably just screwed my chances of being her newest bestie! ;-)

  4. Annie
    February 2, 2012

    I’m with the rest of them…30 with a 19-year old means that the party got rolling early. Love your post and find you very humorous!

    • Pamela D Hart
      February 2, 2012

      Annie, I think you are pretty freaken funny too! Although since I’m SO much younger than you I probably shouldn’t be reading your adult blog! ;-)

  5. Jo
    February 2, 2012

    Holy shit! I vote for Pamela as your bestest EVER friend! And Pamela, that was funny as hell!

    (No, I don’t cuss much. Why do you ask? Philistine.)

    • Pamela D Hart
      February 2, 2012

      Jo, YOU cuss? NEVER! Me neither! (Shut the hell up, Pete! Pete meet Phillstine.)

  6. By Word of Mouth Musings
    February 2, 2012

    Lynn isn’t about to get back to you anytime soon.
    Why?
    Because I am her best friend and I am assessing your answers.
    I will however allow you to meet with her to discuss Monty Python.
    That – is above and beyond my best friend duties …
    on a side note, were you really a skanky 11 year old?
    :)
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Groundhog Day. How is your wheel?My Profile

    • Pamela D Hart
      February 2, 2012

      Nicole, since you are “assessing my answers”, how did I do?

      Good thing Lynn will tell me all about Monty Phyton because I was too busy being a skany 11 yr old to watch it and now I’m just too damn busy kissing her ass to rent it! ;-)

      • Lynn
        February 2, 2012

        You should own Month Python!!

        • Pamela D Hart
          February 2, 2012

          If it will get my BFF application thru the verification process quicker, I’ll go buy it off Amazon RIGHT NOW! ;-)

          • Lynn
            February 2, 2012

            Don’t you think my best friend should be local or times I’m in need?

            • By Word of Mouth Musings
              February 3, 2012

              LOL forget Monty Python and just join us at Blissdom … we are so fun in the flesh so to speak – altho old, so we don’t show any flesh. Of course, your 30 yr old self could chaperone us …
              and for the record, so far our experts have NOT ‘ described you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful.’ …. so I think you passed ;)

              • Pamela D Hart
                February 6, 2012

                Nicole, I just might join you gals! Considering I’m SO young and naïve I’d like to run with the “experts” and learn a few things. Although, I have been known to get a bit wild, so a chaperon, or straight jacket, might be in order for ME.

                Phew. So glad the “experts” didn’t run a criminal back ground check or call my patrol officer OR worse, my mom. Did she perhaps send Lynn a check to sweeten the deal?

                Look out Blissdom, you don’t know what you’re in for! ;-)
                Pamela D Hart recently posted..A Berra Tiring Three WeeksMy Profile

  7. My favorite answer is…”my parole officer says I make an excellent stalker.” What the hell do you mean you ain’t funny! That’s damn funny woman!

    • Pamela D Hart
      February 6, 2012

      Gwendolyn, what makes you think I was joking? hee hee

      Seriously though, thank you! I’m working on my “funny” so maybe I’ve found it! ;-)

  8. PS……this is off topic re: your post but I just have to say…I find the “prove you are a human by taking this test” to be nerve wracking and challenging. Maybe it’s b/c I’m hung over today but I just had to put that out there! It’s like those surprise quizzes in high school.
    Gwendolyn Francis (@pullmyfunnybone) recently posted..Zazzle Store FailuresMy Profile

    • Pamela D Hart
      February 6, 2012

      Well it’s LYNN’S blog, so you’ll probably have to take some freaken test to prove it. Unless you’re really some kind of a humanoid trying to steal the money or blood I sent to Lynn through the computer lines. Just remember, if you are a humanoid trying to pilfer the goodies, you’ll be fighting the Computer Gremlins.

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