This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Tracy

 

Today’s guest on Go ahead, amuse me is Trace from I’ll be out in a minute. Here’s here intro:

Enter stage left, applause, wave, begin intro:  Hi!  I’m Tracy Fulks, and I write a blog at illbeoutinaminute.com ~ which refers to me being stuck in my own head.  (For instance, when people are talking to me and I can’t stop my train of thought I just hold up a hand and say “I’ll be out in a minute.”  Then they think that I am a fucking lunatic.)  A little bit about me:  I enjoy eating healthy, exercising and going to bed early.  (by eating healthy I mean a bowl of corn pops the size of my head at 10pm while I watch the Real Housewives, and by exercise I mean shifting my crossed leg as I go blind staring at Pinterest, and by go to sleep early I mean masturbate.)  I am really truly honored to be guest blogging over here at All Fooked Up!  I hope you take a minute to stop by my blog and poke around, say hi…just do yourself a favor and go to the bathroom first.

 

I used to buy Earth’s Best Baby Food in the jars, because it made me feel like a better parent.

It was rather expensive, and most of the regular grocery stores around me didn’t carry much of a selection.  I was shopping/people watching in the Shrewsbury Pennsylvania Wal-Mart one day when I stumbled upon a surprising gold mine.  There was an entire row of Earth’s Best baby food and snacks and stuff, and it was way cheaper than the regular grocery store.  Of course I was just carrying a stupid little basket so that people would think I was really shopping.

I find that I can use the Shrewsbury Wal-Mart as a pretty dependable substitute for antidepressants.  I just stroll around like a lunatic, making up stories in my head about “the meth head” or the “man in camoflauge” or “the woman who is actually getting a spiral perm in the Wal-Mart beauty salon.”  Sometimes I really like to get into character and ride around in one of those motorized scooters with a basket on front.  I fill it with exercise equipment and jump ropes and high heels and watch people give me disgusted looks as I cruise by.  It’s a real mood lifter, I suggest you try it for yourself sometime.

Anyway, back to the baby food.  I return to the front of the store and exchange my basket for a cart, then run-ride-run-ride all the way back to my prized baby food aisle.  The baby food is packaged about 20 jars on a flat cardboard box, each delicious mouth-watering flavor next to the other.  I over enthusiastically begin filling my cart and there are jars rolling around everywhere and I can’t take it.  So brilliantly I decide to just take the 20 jar flats and then mix and match my flavors, returning the ones I don’t want to the shelf mixed and matched on another flat, saving some time for another very fortunate mother.  See, I’m always thinking about others.

I now have 6 flats of baby food stacked neatly in my cart.  I decide to throw in some Earth’s Best teething cookies and a teething ring because I’ve noticed my little guy is drooling more than Leonard in Awakenings off of his Dopamine. I then proceed to run-ride-run-ride to the only checkout line that sells cigarettes.  Now I may have led you to believe that the only reasons I cross the line from Maryland into Pennsylvania to shop here is for the fascinating sociological study and the mood-enhancing effects that it delivers without fail.  But the benefits are not only spiritual and emotional as you may think, they are also monetary.  Not only is baby food cheaper here, so are the smokes.  See, winner winner chicken dinner.

I begin the arduous task of balancing my flats of jars onto the conveyor belt of the checkout line, when I glanced up at my checker.  I’m pretty sure that I actually jumped back a little.  There stood a woman/troll with long, frizzy burned-out hair that was 4″ gray roots cascading down to a faded yellow sea of stringy split ends, just below her breasts/waistline.  She stood about 5’2, and had a face almost identical to Ross Perot.  She looked about 80, but was most likely a really hard 50.  I took a deep breath and buckled in for the ride.

She/it began ringing up my jars and the conversation went something like this:

Troll:        Hey Hon, how you dune today?

Me:           I’m well thanks, you?

Troll:        Jesus Christ, what’s all this baby food for?

Me:           My baby.

Troll:         I don’t understand all this stuff, you know?  Like last week, I was babysitting my little grandson, my boy’s son, and his wife got all pissed at me because I had taken him out and bought him a strawberry milkshake at the Macdonald’s.  What the hell is the problem with that?  It was like 90 degrees in the car I was just trying to keep him cool!

Me:           How old is your grandson?

Troll:        He’s 8 months! Can you believe that?!

Me:           Well, some mothers are concerned with milk allergies and try to hold off until after their first birthday.

Troll:        Then she got all pissy with me again after I fed him a real nice breakfast of eggs and bacon!

Me:           That’s another allergy concern, eggs.  That was probably why.

Troll:        Humph.  Bunch a baloney if you ask me.

Me:           How many kids do you have?

Troll:        I got 7, all boys.  What the hell are these things!?

Me:           They’re teething biscuits, my little guy is drooling more than Leonard in Awakenings off his Dopamine.

Troll:        Huh?

Me:           My son is teething really bad.

Troll:        Teething Biscuits, huh?  Well I’ll tell you what, you ought to save yourself some money!   I let all seven a’ my boys cut their teeth on pork chop bones and ain’t had a problem or an allergy with none of ‘em, all their teeth come up just fine!

Me:        Excuse me, did you say pork chop bones?

And right there, that shit beats an SSRI any day.  You’re Welcome

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

 

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

 

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20 Comments

  1. Kazsandra
    April 26, 2012

    Great feature! This actually really made my day and I can’t even stop laughing when I read the conversation and the whole post too..
    Kazsandra recently posted..How To Treat GoutMy Profile

    • tracy fulks
      April 26, 2012

      Kazsandra, happy to start your day off with a laugh, this woman had certainly started mine off with one so I’m glad to “give back” to the community. I’m a real giver like that.
      Thanks for reading!
      Tracy

  2. Jester Queen
    April 26, 2012

    Pork chop bones? Holy. Shit. I love the pic you made of her so we could get the idea.

    • Name *
      April 26, 2012

      Jester Queen, that’s right, pork chop bones…you know, the bones that we don’t even give to dogs because they splinter.
      Grandmother of the year right there. I’m glad you appreciate the picture, it truly doesn’t even do her/it justice but I had to try.
      Thanks for reading and commenting, there’s always more where that came from…
      Tracy

  3. mara
    April 26, 2012

    OH MY GOD! . That’s all I got. Y’all should go visit where my brother lives in Central Illionois. Them all wear fancy flip flops to weddings. Favorite expressions? ‘Get ‘er Done’ and ‘Knee high by the 4th of July’
    mara recently posted..10 MOST EXCELLENT WAYS TO EMBARRASS YOUR TWEENMy Profile

    • Name *
      April 26, 2012

      Mara, I try not to use OMG and LOL, because they usually mean “I have nothing left to say,” but in this case I’ll make an exception.
      OMG! LOL! There is quite an interesting dialect here in parts of MD and PA, and much to my dismay, expressions like, “she’s on the rag” are still used in common conversation. It’s super classy.
      Thanks for reading, laughing and posting!
      there’s always more at illbeoutinaminute.com
      ~Tracy

  4. Melanie
    April 26, 2012

    I’m dying over here. First, the picture. Then, the story about getting in to the electric cart and filling it with exercise equipment and high heels. Hilarious.

    I love checkers like that. They make my day.
    Melanie recently posted..Sharing A MealMy Profile

  5. tracy fulks
    April 26, 2012

    Melanie, those carts are really fun.
    I first discovered them after a friend of mine in Florida divulged that she used them when she was pregnant and feeling lazy. Seriously, try it sometime and tell me it doesn’t make your day…I dare you.
    Thanks for reading and posting~
    Tracy

  6. Miss Annie V.
    April 26, 2012

    *Beaming* LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!!!! Hot damn, I clearly need to hop a Greyhound to Pennsylvania for the cheap thrills and even cheaper smokes! And the parenting advice I could soak up? Pure unadulterated GOLD! There were so many dazzling visuals here I’m not quite sure where to begin! So in other news, I do believe you just presented me with the fabulous tools necessary to venture out in public more often! THANK YOU! :D

  7. KC
    April 26, 2012

    And who hasn’t done the run-ride-run-ride? Loved this. Again, I sat and laughed out loud.

    • tracy fulks
      April 26, 2012

      thanks kc, i love a good ride-run-ride-run, it makes people wonder…
      <3tracy

  8. tracy fulks
    April 26, 2012

    Miss Annie V. Your love of this has me beaming too. I’ll be the first to admit that i HATE going to walmart, but when I have to go, I always take comfort in knowing that there are always priceless little nuggets of humor everywhere out there amongst the masses. That way it feels more like a scavenger hunt.
    Thanks for reading and posting, check out my site if you haven’t already!
    Tracy

  9. liz
    April 26, 2012

    So seriously funny! I feel the same way about WallMart – it really makes you feel better about yourself!

    • tracy fulks
      April 26, 2012

      liz, i couldn’t agree more.
      thanks for reading and posting!
      tracy

  10. Name *
    April 26, 2012

    Tracy, you had me at “masturbate”.

    • tracy fulks
      April 26, 2012

      actually, i had myself at masturbate.
      ~tracy

      • Dawn
        April 26, 2012

        Bahahahaha…

  11. Pam Barone
    April 28, 2012

    I feel like I’ve been walking around a Walmart since I moved to southern Florida! Pretty weird…

  12. jane
    April 30, 2012

    Debbie Filling (my daughter) got me hooked on your blog….thanks!

  13. tracy fulks
    April 30, 2012

    That Debbie, tell her I would like free hilites in trade for laughs.
    ~thanks for following along for the ride.
    Tracy

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