This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

Go ahead, amuse me Whitney Romi

 

 

Hi! Today my guest on Go ahead, amuse me is Whitney Romi of Are you there blog its me.  Here’s what she had to say about herself.

I am 28.  I have 2 kids that break every single thing they touch.  I have a hotheaded husband that refuses to change his crazy-ass ways.  I have Italian in-laws.  I have a mother that is the exact person I’m beginning to see in the mirror.  I have a funny brother with a constant rain cloud that follows him where ever he goes.  I have 2 junk yard dogs.  I am a housewife/stay-at-home-mother/homemaker, who is struggling to find her groove in this new position -even after 5 years.  I have shitty neighbors & chronic headaches.  I am pretty new to the blogging game.  If you’d like to read my blog filled with foul-mouthed accounts of how I am trying my hardest to raise 2 babies to grow into respectable, upstanding citizens -despite the genetic odds that are clearly against them, please check me out at: blogitsmewhitney.com

I want to start by thanking Lynn for allowing me to guest blog today.  It happens to be my birthday & I would say it’s a pretty safe bet that this is going to be the only present this bitch is going to get.

I take that back.  I did get some shit this morning.  The Boy, age 2, handed me a fist-full of poo earlier…fresh-out-his-pants.  I really think it would have happened no matter what day it was.  I doubt it was special for my birthday.  I also received some serious 4-year-old attitude from The Girl, who has decided whole heartedly, that I am not the boss.

“If I, your mother, am not YOUR boss, then who do you answer to?”

“Who do YOU answer to?”  She asked.

Hmmm, answering a question…with a question…she’s her mother’s daughter.

The completely oblivious world around me-still rotating on its axis, just as if it were any other day, is nothing unusual.  I’m used to having crap-filled birthdays by now.

For my terrible birth date, I blame 3 people.  My parents (obviously) & my mom’s OBGYN.  I was a c-section.  They planned this birthday of mine.  They CHOSE for me to be born Dec 30th at 8AM.

Thanks.

Had that doctor not been heading out of town for a holiday ski trip & my parents, not been so tax-deduction hungry, I may not have been ripped from her womb so early.  Even a DAY later, would have been better than Dec 30th.

I remember, as a little girl, sitting in my living room waiting, wondering, praying that my friends would show up for my party.  The only real guaranteed “guest” was a mother f-ing snowstorm.  The half of the party that didn’t get snowed into their houses, were no-shows.  They were on vacation.

My poor mom tried her very best to make my birthdays great.  I assume this is the guilt of birthing me early.  She tried super hard to make the gifts extra special.  Somehow, it just never quite lived up to the birthday hype.  I’m sure mainly because Christmas had just blown the roof off of the holidays.

It was always too damn cold & icy to go anywhere.  So again, there we were… sitting in a circle, on my living room floor, playing Heartthrob.  What’s Heartthrob?  -Don’t know.  We didn’t have instructions, so to us, it was just a pile of playing cards with weird pictures of men on them.  (I’m pretty sure I have an “adult” version of that same game.)

Back then I didn’t really even know there were other options for b-days.  I had become so acclimated to getting screwed by Mother Nature that the thought of anything else never once crossed my stupid, little mind.

As a young adult I found a way to exploit my birthday –sorta.  You know what they say, when life gives you lemons…say –fuck the lemons & throw yourself a bomb-ass party.

But wait, that sounds like more effort than I’d care to throw into a birthday party, -even if it were for myself.

OK, new plan!  (Well, same plan, just a new plan-for the method-on how to go about-achieving-the same outcome.)   I decided that I would recognize my birthday as the NEXT calendar day, Dec 31st.  New Year’s Fricken Eve.

SIDE NOTE:  NYE & I have had a long standing, mutual distaste for one other.  Yes, it’s an awesome excuse to throw glitter all over places you wouldn’t normally, dress like a slut & get so plastered that you find yourself barfing tandem with the kid that sits behind you in English Lit.  (You really get to know someone while both of you are taking turns, giving it your very best drunken effort to hit the bowl & not each other’s faces.)  But alas, I am no longer 16.

It was in my late teens to early 20’s, when I realized that I could high-jack someone else’s party.

Oh but the “Party Ambush”, where I would show up, toss around a few birthday decorations, pretend that everyone was there for me, & skip my hungover b-hind out before clean up began, only filled the void for a couple of years.  When you get drunk enough, it no longer matters what day it is.  But something was missing…I needed something more, and that bitch of a holiday was not giving it to me.

Now that I’m older & can no longer drink like a hobo without wanting to straight up kill myself for the 3 days following, I have been trying to come up with something else to do.

Unfortunately, my friends refuse to partake in anything non-alcohol related.  I don’t blame them for not wanting to be associated with the social stigma that is attached to those that have fun without alcohol.

I was 5 months pregnant with my 1st kid when the 23rd birthday came rollin up.  My girlfriends usually all get together & celebrate with a big special dinner.  Somehow I have been screwed out of this too.  My 23rd would be no different.  One of my BFF’s, Kak, was coming into town for the holidays.  Her birthday was Dec 3rd.

“What’s that…a JOINT birthday dinner celebration?!  Perfect!”  I would have loved nothing more!

Now, (surprisingly) none of these other ladies had yet to be “in a family way” so eventually the double dinner birthday plans began to spiral out of control.  They decided that instead of the regular old dinner, maybe we should do something bigger…BETTER!  Kak was coming & that didn’t happen often.

Little did I know, the plans had already been made.

“We are going to go ice skating & then get our freaky drink on at a bar.”

Now does that sound like something I’d want to do at all?  No, -scratch that.  Does that sound like something I could do EVEN if I WANTED to…which I didn’t.  Really?  Ice skating?  Sippin on some sizzuurp?  Droppin’ it like it’s hot?  The only thing hot & syrup related I was gonna have anything to do with, was a short stack of pancakes from IHOP.  You bitches… I’m out!

After that last one, I began to realize that I would never be someone with amazing birthdays.  Just wasn’t in the cards for this girl.  That’s all right.  You can’t miss what you never had.

I did still try for a while…so stupid.  I would throw out the idea of just doing a dinner with us girls but it turns out when people have big ass NYE plans, the last thing they want to do is spend money, go out or do anything.  Alright, I get it.  New Year’s Eve, you’ve f*cked me again.

The next plan, for the itty-bitty-pity-committee, was to just treat myself on my birthday.  To HELL with parties.  Since the husband is working late, maybe I could do some shopping & spend a little dough?

Shopping, 5 days after x-mas, is the most worthless, stupid, dumb way you can possibly blow an afternoon.  You’ll never get that time back.  I know the fact that you have got that x-mas cash burning a huge hole in your pocket is tempting you to do it. But the only thing left on the racks are all size 00 or 22, you can’t find a damn parking spot & it’s so crowded that you just want to punch someone.  The desperation of those trying to exchange their gifts & spend those Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards before the holiday décor has been taken down, is so thick that it makes you want to barf.

It’s sad.  The beautiful holiday is gone & took it’s spirit with it.  In it’s place is pushing, shoving, crabby faces, packed to the maxx restaurants -that take 2 hours to get into…their bathrooms! …no thanks.  Cross shopping off the quickly, dwindling list.

There is one tradition that has yet to let me down.  The picture perfect family that we are, we get together for dinner at the same place every single year.  We also have the same discussion beforehand, every. single. year.

Should we call & make a reservation?

They don’t take reservations.

Are we sure we want to go?  It’s right by the mall.  It’s going to be f-ing packed.

ME:  I’m getting my freaking steak birthday dinner.

Really?

We could just eat at home?

ME:  Suck it.  Get in the car.

The car ride is filled w/ suggestions on other places to eat… Things like, taco bell… IHOP… PBJ…

ME:  Shut the hell up, we are eating there.

(We go to put our name in…)

Grrreat, it’s a 75 min wait.

(The damn restaurant is too crowded to stand inside, nor would I really want my husband to stand near people in public.  He loses his cool in crowds & my brother is also working on some “issues” with highly crowded spaces, so we stand outside.  December 30th.  Kansas City.  Cold as a mother-fudger.)

Brrrr….Howww lllongg till thhhey call us?

73 more minutes.

We could go across the street to Arby’s.

Me:  Shut.  The.  Fuck. Up.

We finally get seated & order our meal.  Everyone agrees that they are eating the greatest meal.  –You’re welcome, butt holes.  Next complaint is when the check comes. My brother, Stealth, will make some sort of comment regarding how no one ever goes out to dinner for his b-day & here he is dropping 50 bones on mine.  I then remind him that every-single-year, I ask him what he’d like to do for his b-day celebration.  I then, have to force a family birthday dinner on him at my mother’s house…catered by me & my masterful hands.

“If you don’t want me, to EVER cook another f-ing thing for you again, in your whole entire fricken life… then keep it up, Jerk.”

I’m thinking to myself, during my annual dinner Birthday Celebration, “Soooo here I am.  This is it.”  I take a look around at the faces gathered around the dinner table.  Stealth making my niece cry for something dumb, my mom yelling at Stealth, my husband chiming in where he is certainly not needed, my kids fighting over crayons.  I can almost drown all that out by playing a little “Stand by Me” or something equally sap-filled in my head.  As singer/songwriter Brandy once said, “But almost doesn’t count.” and on top of all of this…I am another gosh damn year older.  Happy Fucking Birthday.

Go ahead, amuse me is a weekly posting I will be having featuring another funny blogger.  Or maybe not a blogger … you could just be a funny person.  So, if you would like to be featured all you have to do is email me at allfookedup@gmail.com and send me a funny post.  If I AGREE that it’s funny, I’ll simply put up your post with a short intro that you write so that my readers will check out your blog.  Of course, you also need to put up a link to my blog saying that you’re being featured over here.

 

See? WIN-WIN … hope to hear from you … or not!

 

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17 Comments

  1. Julie
    December 29, 2011

    Hysterical!
    My sister has a Dec. 23rd biorthday and gets screwed every year too. I MUST forward this to her!!
    Happy fucking birthday, by the way.

    • Whitney
      December 29, 2011

      Ahhh thank you for the b-day wishes…even though i might have been a day off! And thx for forwarding, us victims of holiday-season-screw’d-me-again-and-it-will-continue-to-screw-until-the-day-i-die need to stick together!

  2. Pamela D Hart
    December 29, 2011

    LOL! That’s funny as hell and yeah your parents sucked for wanting that tax write-off, but hey, I would’ve too, I’m just sayin…

    Okay, how about this, June 30, 2012, have one kick ass party! You’ll be 28 1/2!

    I’m gonna run over to your blog and check it out. Well not run, click, but you knew that.
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..What Goes AroundMy Profile

    • Whitney
      December 29, 2011

      You know I have actually tried the 1/2 birthday thing before. It’s just not the same. -fyi i just stomped my foot and pouted while typing that last sentence. I hope you like the blog!!!!!

  3. CGG
    December 29, 2011

    Really funny Girlie!! I need to read more.

  4. Renee
    December 29, 2011

    That has hilarity all over it! So funny, thanks for posting. Ill be checking It’s me Whitney out.

  5. Melanie
    December 29, 2011

    This cracked me up. Thanks for the laugh. Especially the last part when you actually got to the dinner table in the restaurant. Sounds like my family.

  6. Katie
    December 29, 2011

    Holy Cow!! You are too freaken funny! Maybe you just need to see the cup as half full. Poop for your birthday could be bad…..but I mean, he made that. just for you. how special. And waiting 75 minutes for dinner, is 75 minutes you get with your family……that is sure to give you great blogs to write!! ;) <3

  7. Tabby
    December 29, 2011

    I was laughing out loud (while at work mind you) while reading this!!! Thanks for sharing Whitney, I’ll definitely be following your blog for more laughs!

  8. Whitney
    December 29, 2011

    thank you alll! yes, more family = more blogs so…there’s that. and dont forget to spread tha word!

  9. Carlee
    December 29, 2011

    Happy almost birthday and look at it this way, without a December 30th birthday you wouldn’t have had years of hilarious stories to share with us!! Hope you have a wonderful birthday this year full of laughter and less poop :)

  10. Mayor Gia
    December 29, 2011

    hahaha. I have two friends with xmas eve bdays, and it suuucks. I love how the 2 year old wanted to give you a present…and he even made it himself! :P
    Mayor Gia recently posted..New Year’s Resolution Lioness!My Profile

    • Whitney
      December 30, 2011

      Too bad it was the same gift I get from him everyday. Some days twice! The only thing that was different would be his method for giving it to me!

  11. jacee
    December 30, 2011

    Once again a bomb ass blog! I laughed my arse off. Whats that about Stealth making your niece cry? Hope you have a wonderful birthday!

    • Whitney
      December 30, 2011

      Why, thank you ma’am!!! As for Stealth, he’s always doing something to make someone cry ;)

  12. Great post! Please accept my virtual handful of poo as a gesture of Happy Birthday!!! It’s one of my closest friend’s birthday today too. It’s a good day! (Well, aside from me harassing her all day about turning 40 and asking her if she has enough of her mental faculties to remember it’s her birthday…) Will def. check out your blog. :-)

    • Whitney
      December 30, 2011

      Thank you! I accept your virtual handful of poo & in return give you a virtual high five. You’ll certainly have to keep an eye out for my next post. I’ll be letting you all know how dinner went…

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