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In which Andie wrote this “stupid blog post”

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To all of my mother’s “devoted readers,” my name is Andie MacDonald, and I am in reality nothing like my mother has portrayed me in her blog. I’m actually quite sweet and funny and overall just a charmingly DELIGHTFUL person.

 

I’m sitting on a train currently looking at a landscape that leaves a little to be desired, and in order to get my mom to leave me alone I’ve decided to write her a blog post.

 

As you probably all know from her facebook, which she updates more than me (which is like a little weird but whatevs), we are on a trip to New York and Boston. My mom, being the devoted mother she is, came up with me and handled all the travel arrangements herself, which is very nice, and we’ve been having an excellent trip. For this blog post, I’m going to keep track of exactly HOW excellent she is by a system that I’ve just made up called “LynnPoints.”

 

  • Booked all plane tickets, hotels, and train tickets — +100 Lynnpoints
  • Got lost in the parking garage so that it took us almost 30 minutes to park at the airport — -10 Lynnpoints
  • Wouldn’t sit with me on the airplane because she wanted to be in the exit row for the extra leg room (despite the fact that there were some very tall men who probably would have liked it)…the stewardess was confused when I moved around 3 times and I’m relatively sure that she wanted my mom to go back to her original seat, at least for take off, but was flustered when my confidently said “I’m just going to sit here.” Additionally, her strategy in the case of emergency was to open the door and then block everyone else from getting through—wut. -10 Lynnpoints
  • Got carsick in the cab from the airport, which was a little bit funny
  • Good Chinese food and they even gave us a little bit of pomegranate with our vodka! — + 10 Lynnpoints
  • Took a Xanax to sleep, which made her snore a little bit — -10 Lynnpoints
  • Met me at the bus stop after my interview (+10 Lynnpoints) and the first thing she said (instead of asking about the interview) was “Look at the new scarf I bought myself this morning when I went shopping” (-10 Lynnpoints)

 

Now, I’ve only been to New York once ever, for a three-day trip when I was in ninth grade. So I was pretty excited at the idea of walking around New York for the afternoon. My mom really gave me the local tour for some excellent Lynnpoints:

 

  • “Do we have to walk around, we might get bored during a two-hour walk” — -5 Lynnpoints
  • Before we left, she made me fix the formatting on her blog post for Thursday because computers are tough — -10 Lynnpoints because I don’t like being associated with the blog
  • Kept walking me into people and trees and puddles — -15 Lynnpoints
  • She showed me Grand Central Station, which was cool and fun, then on the way toward Rockefellar Center (which was exciting because I’m already resenting that 30 Rock is no longer on TV) we saw the corner of the NY public library. Now, I had seen the public library in a number of TV shows and movies (most notably “The Day After Tomorrow,” a documentary that showed that the public library was the safest building in New York pending a tsunami followed by a storm of supercooled air of impossible proportions). My mom thought it might be a fun thing to show me (+5 Lynnpoints for the idea), but after we walked about 10 steps up the road so you could see a little more of it around the corner she said, “And that’s the public library!” and we promptly continued the other way. -10 Lynnpoints for inability to follow through
  • +5 Lynnpoints for the conversation that ensued about The Day After Tomorrow
  • Eventually we made it to Time Square, and we agreed that people watching was fun so we went and got some drinks (that had approximately no alcohol, based on taste) right by Time Square. No plus or minus points, this was pretty fun.
  • We walked around for 30 minutes trying to find somewhere to eat, but my mom finally picked Guy Fiyeri’s little American Restaurant place thing (which, as she observed, must have been decorated by Gaston). Probably not the finest cuisine we could have found in New York, and we supposedly got some alcohol with our fruit juice. -5 Lynnpoints
  • We were going to see a Broadway show later, and god forbid we go without some chocolate to munch on so we head back to Times Square to the Hershey’s store. We walk in and get free samples, and she doesn’t want one of the pieces they gave her so she let’s me have it (+10 Lynnpoints), but then suggests we should walk out and back in a few times to get more samples (-10 Lynnpoints). Sadly, she did the walking-out-and-back-in thing when we were in San Francisco and the Ghirardelli store and it was pretty embarrassing…so -25 Lynnpoints for that time back then because still: wut.
  • She decides she doesn’t want Hershey’s, she in fact wants M&Ms, so we cross the street to the M&Ms store, where she “accidentally” fills a bag with over a pound milk chocolate M&Ms. This isn’t bad in itself, but during the show the bag burst in her pocket, so she had a pocket full of spilled candy (-10 Lynnpoints). Later, when we were back in our hotel room, she poured them into a Zip-Lock bag, which would subsequently burst the next morning all over her purse so that she would have to pick them out one by one (_20 more Lynnpoints). One might say, “Throw them away!” but not Lynn MacDonald—she persevered and in fact is still eating them. I’ll award +5 Lynnpoints for perseverance.
  • We went to see “Once,” which won 8 Tony’s last year including Best Musical. +500 Lynnpoints because it was amazing and our seats were in the third row.
  • Snored a little bit again last night — -5 Lynnpoints

 

That puts us at this morning. Now, as many of you might know (but why would you really?), Boston is supposed to be “buried” by a storm that has been named after Disney’s most beloved juvenile fish. This is unfortunate (a) because we don’t have proper clothing for the snow, but more importantly (b) I’m trying to get back to school for an important party tomorrow night. Luckily, my mother intervened:

 

  • Woke me up too early to have me call the med school to see what is the earliest I could leave the interview — -5 Lynnpoints because I’m still sleepy
  • Booked us on an earlier flight — +10 Lynnpoints
  • Attempted to shower, but was so delirious due to lack of coffee that she seemed to be having trouble forming sentences – neutral Lynnpoints, but funny
  • My suitcase broke, and she pointed out that hers was brand new and not broken, which was rude — -5 Lynnpoints
  • Pointed out one last thing before we left New York City by way of Penn Station. No, it wasn’t Madison Square Garden or something that I’ve heard of, it was (drum roll): the post office. What a way to end the tour! Now I’ve truly seen the city! -5 Lynnpoints
  • Forced me to write this blog post rather than sleeping or reading Reddit and Buzzfeed on the train. -400 Lynnpoints.
  • Had the audacity to complain about my grammar (pot/kettle), despite the fact that I don’t care about the grammar of this post as grammar must not be crucial to you readers—after all, she’s never seen a comma she used right.

 

Well, there’s still a day left, but so far she’s coming out ahead. Sadly, I think seeing this rough draft has given her confidence and I am predicting a sharp downward turn.

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11 Comments

  1. Michelle
    February 8, 2013

    I sooo needed this! Thanks for helping me procrastinate just a bit longer on getting my work done too! Hope you make it back with everyone…

  2. Susan from GA
    February 8, 2013

    Awesome Andie! You made me laugh! I know you HATE hearing this…but the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree…just sayin’.

    I know your mom is proud and happy you “complied” with writing on her blog. I imagine with Lynn it is just better to “go with it” than put up a fight. btw…you didn’t mention it, but did she take you to the funtastic drag restaurant/show on 2nd Street? That would have been at least 50 Lynnpoints. It is bizarro and I’m guessing SC doesn’t have anything close!

    btw….Some day you will be glad you spent time with Mom. Trust me. I know.

  3. Elizabeth
    February 8, 2013

    Andie – you are AWESOME! :-)

  4. Julie
    February 8, 2013

    Are you going to make us do the math ourselves to find out where she stands? That’s just mean.

  5. Jester Queen
    February 8, 2013

    I love the Lynnpoints system. And no, we don’t care about grammar over here. I teach English, and I don’t give a shit when I’m reading All Fooked Up.

    • Lynn
      February 8, 2013

      Hee….my mom was an English teacher too! I was the bane of her existence

  6. Mack
    February 8, 2013

    It is obvious that Andie should take over the blog

  7. Name *
    February 8, 2013

    I can’t believe that candy bag burst twice! So crazy!
    Name * recently posted..How to Get Your Mother off Your BackMy Profile

  8. Quirky Chrissy
    February 8, 2013

    LOL. I keep trying to get the BF to post on my blog. I know that he’s got a whole lot of talent stocked up in his pinky finger and would like to see that displayed on my blog. One day, when I have a kid (or 2, but no more than 3) and they are all grown up, and they hate me for being an obnoxious blogger who talks about them…I will make them write guest posts too.

    Excellent.

  9. Cara Erickson
    February 8, 2013

    Nice. I love it. And I hate to break it to you, but you sound a whole lot like your mom. :/ *wah wah*

  10. Nana16033
    February 8, 2013

    I agree withe Susan and Cara -you have your mom’s wit! That’s why I read her – don’t use coma’s- dashes work for me! Keep us posted!

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