This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which bureaucrats are zombies too

 

I was having lunch with Keely and her friend Sarah down in Durham and I received a tweet. As I checked it, I realized that it was from Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess.  She was coming to do a book signing about an hour from where I lived and I was considering running down there for it to meet her.

 

Because I had already driven an hour in the other direction towards Durham for Keely’s pre-op appointment, I wanted to see if perhaps she would be available for dinner or drinks.  After all, having already driven a few hours that day I didn’t want to drive 3 more and then not even be able to chat.

 

At any rate, she was completely booked and I was telling Keely that Jenny couldn’t meet with me.

 

Keely:             so you were going to abandon me before surgery?

Me:                 it’s Thursday. Your surgery is Monday.

Keely:             but I’m sick

Me:                 you have a cold

Keely:             I can’t believe you

Me:                 she couldn’t do it anyways …what do you care?

Keely:             just the thought that you’d abandon me!

Me:                 I’m going to hang with you all next week!

Keely:             yeah, but I won’t remember because I’ll be on pain medication

Sarah:             wait, who’s the Bloggess?

 

So I started to explain who she was when Keely interrupted me.

 

Keely:             She’s a funny blogger and she told the CNN person during an interview that people would be more engaged in politics if the politicians discussed such things as a “National Zombie Apocalypse emergency plan”

Sarah:             I already have one

Me:                 you have an emergency plan for the apocalypse?

Sarah:             the ZOMBIE apocalypse

Me:                 well, this was for a NATIONAL plan

Sarah:             I think a national plan is a terrible idea

Me:                 yeah, why’s that?

Sarah:             have you even seen the movies Mrs. MacDonald?
Me:                 yeah, I have

Sarah:             well, first of all the government already screws everything up

Keely:             good point

Sarah:             … and second of all, all the bureaucrats will turn into zombies and we don’t want zombies in charge of our zombie plan now do we?

Me:                 obviously putting zombies in charge of a national zombie plan would be a ludicrous idea

Sarah:             never turn to the government in times of stress

Me:                 I’ll keep that in mind

Sarah:             so people need to have their own zombie apocalypse plan

Me:                 that’s a fair point

Sarah:             there’s a website on Reddit where you can put in your birthday and get your zombie survival group

Me:                 yeah? Who’s in your group?

Sarah:             my group is awesome.  I have Chuck Norris, the Hulk, and House

Keely:             that’s a great group because we had a conversation on which Avenger would win in a fight and we all agree that Hulk would win

Me:                 The advantages of a Duke education.  You can have a debate on the pros and cons of The Avengers

Sarah:             yeah, let’s check out your groups

Me:                 your group is really, really good

Sarah:             Keely, based on your birthday and what you’re wearing your group is: Dexter, Darth Vadar and Dave Grohl

Keely:             who’s Dexter?

Me:                 He’s a serial killer on TV

Keely:             who’s Dave Grohl?

Me:                 he’s a Foo Fighter

Keely:             I don’t want a mass murderer and a singer

Me:                 yeah but your group will have some sweet tunes

Keely:             like what?

 

So I start singing a song and Keely’s all like WTF? And we all agree that Keely will most definitely die although Darth Vadar has some sweet moves what with the force and all.

 

Then it was my turn.

 

Sarah:             Mrs. MacDonald, your group has Walter White, The Hulk and Will Smith.

Keely:             Who’s Walter White?

Me:                 he’s from Breaking Bad.  I guess we’ll have a lot of Chrystal Meth to party with.

Sarah:             it’s not fair that you have the Hulk too.  Do we have to share him?

Me:                 you can have David Banner.  I’ll take the Hulk part

Sarah:             you have Will Smith

Me:                 do I get all his characters too?  Because that would be awesome…

Keely:             I bet you do get all his characters

Me:                 that’s great because he was in the army and a trained scientist in I AM LEGEND and he was a superhero, albeit a drunk one, in Hitchcock

Sarah:             The first month of the zombie apocalypse will be no fun for everyone

Me:                 agreed

Sarah:             … but it’s more about strategy after that.

Keely:             that’s true

Me:                 it’s ironic that the smart people will have a more difficult time at the beginning since they don’t know how to get their own food

Sarah:             after a few months, then you’ll need the brainier people to build forts and such so that’s where House and I will take over

Me:                 Don’t forget that the Hulk is also quite bright! He’s a Doctor too

Keely:             Darth Vadar could just use the force

Me:                 you’ll just be hanging out listening to the Foo Fighters Keely

Sarah:             so, we can live in a fort

Me:                 it’s always morose after the apocalypse.  You should probably come to my fort.

Keely:             why?

Me:                 my fort is going to be loads of fun

Sarah:             why’s that?

Me:                 because I can find humor in anything so we’ll be having a post apocalypse party fort atmosphere going down

Sarah:             can we paint it?

Me:                 right Sarah.  We’ll just paint it bright orange so all the zombies don’t even have to look for us; we’ll just glow in the dark!

Sarah:             I meant the inside

Me:                 like hey everyone, just come kill me!

Sarah:             The Hulk and Chuck Norris will save you and then we can form an alliance

Keely:             I think Andie might be the Hulk

Me:                 so who else is a possibility for the teams?

 

So Sarah looks at the website and says “Captain Jack Sparrow” but then announces, I wouldn’t want him because I don’t need another alcoholic on my team and then we all crack up because.

 

Well, just because.

 

So check out your team and somebody let Jenny know that a national zombie apocalypse plan is a very bad idea.  After all, these two Duke students just graduated cum laude with distinction so I think they would know!

 

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15 Comments

  1. RibenaTina
    May 30, 2012

    Somehow I don’t think that going home and telling Hubby that he can relax because although I have little tiny aliens living in my head, there are others that belive that zombies are literally just around the corner…..

    Though Lynn, you would be sorted with Will Smith – just before the end of I Am Legend he found the cure for zombieism so living in a bright orange fort throwing a party would be just fine because the zombies would be turning after having Mr Smith’s anti-zombieism meds and joining you at that party in a matter of days…..
    RibenaTina recently posted..An example to followMy Profile

    • Ribenatina
      May 30, 2012

      Lets try the first paragraph again because I was getting myself overly excited…..

      Somehow I don’t think that going home and telling Hubby that he can relax because although I have tiny aliens living in my head, there are others that believe that zombies are literally around the corner…..will make him feel any better.

      Now I can relax

    • Lynn
      May 30, 2012

      I was psyched to have him unless he couldn’t be his characters in which case he’d be useless to me

  2. Julie
    May 30, 2012

    Speechless.

    • Lynn
      May 30, 2012

      in a good way right?

  3. Barb
    May 30, 2012

    Well I need the link to the zombie group now. I need to know who is in my group so I can calculate my odds! (And I for one thought it was totally ok you were abandoning Keely before her surgery and while she was sick!)

    • Lynn
      May 30, 2012

      hahaha…somewhere on reddit

  4. Jester Queen
    May 30, 2012

    Wait- – where’s the website to figure out my group. I need to know this. Because I’m pretty sure my evil sib will be the one leading the damned zombies, and she’s going to be hunting for ME especially.

    • Lynn
      May 30, 2012

      I don’t know the name of it…I’ll ask Keely

  5. Melanie
    May 30, 2012

    This is funny ’cause I already wrote tomorrow’s post, and it’s about the zombie apocalypse. Mine was prompted by a story about a man in Miami having to be shot six times, to stop him from eating another man’s face off.

    I have dreams about the zombie apocalypse and I’m always a total badass, so I think I’m okay. :)

    • Lynn
      May 30, 2012

      That’s disgusting…hahaha

  6. Lady Estrogen
    May 30, 2012

    Wait. Keely asked “Who’s Dave Grohl?”
    What is wrong with the youth of today?! lol
    Lady Estrogen recently posted..And I shall be a champion.My Profile

    • Lynn
      May 30, 2012

      i know right???

  7. Heidi19
    May 31, 2012

    Hmmm…sounds like I was late about this thing. Maybe I should know about this Zombie’s group too! I can’t relate to you guys lately..
    Heidi19 recently posted..Different Stages Of Arowana Fry Still Attached To the Egg Yolk For Your Viewing Pleasure…My Profile

  8. Georgina Chell
    June 6, 2012

    I love reading these conversations. It is really horrible if there is this zombie apocalypse. But I just know that there is this zombie group.
    Georgina Chell recently posted..Boilx ReviewMy Profile

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