This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which Daniel and i discuss crystal meth

 

WARNING:  If you don’t have a sense of humor, DO NOT READ THIS POST!

Yesterday, Daniel and I were outside enjoying the beautiful fall weather when we had the following discussion:

 

Me:                  Daniel, bad news.  I’m not going to be able to go to New York with you next weekend.

Daniel:            Why mom?

Me:                  Unfortunately, I’ve gained a ton of weight and I just don’t feel like wearing real clothes.

Daniel:            you look fine mom

Me:                  easy for you to say…you don’t feel yucky and look awful

Daniel:            (always the pragmatist) it doesn’t matter mom.  You’re already

married.

(yeah, like the only reason I like to FEEL good was to catch a man…as if)

Me:                  perhaps I should go on a crystal meth diet

Daniel:            what?

Me:                  … yeah, but there are pros and cons to crystal meth

Daniel:            mom, what are you talking about?

Me:                  well, I would definitely lose weight using crystal meth

Daniel:            …ummmm

Me:                  but then there’s the whole complexion going south issue

Daniel:            mom, that’s terrible

Me:                  I know, have you ever seen all those before and after pictures with crystal meth? The complexions are AWFUL!!!

Daniel:            mom, you’re not using crystal meth

Me:                  plus, it’s so highly addictive…

Daniel             mom…

Me:                  … so to find the balance between weight loss, addiction and a bad complexion could be difficult I suppose …

Daniel             you might be the sickest person on earth

Me:                  (musing) perhaps I should write a post on the pros and cons of crystal meth for weight loss

Daniel:            you should DEFINTELY NOT write a post on that

Me:                  I could present a balanced view point

Daniel:            there IS no balanced viewpoint.  It’s a terrible drug!

Me:                  I probably wouldn’t know where to find it any ways

Daniel:            you’re ridiculous

Me:                  perhaps I should start a meth lab in the basement

Daniel:            MOM

Me:                  it’s not like we use it much anyways

Daniel:            just stop

Me:                  of course, I believe manufacturing crystal meth is kind of explosive

Daniel:            not to mention illegal

Me:                  well, I guess I won’t do it then

Daniel:            I think that’s best.

Me:                  Ok, I’ll have to figure out another way to lose weight.

Daniel:            … and what about New York?

Me:                  New York? OK, I’ll go now that my complexion won’t be ruined.

Daniel:            I bet other kids don’t have to put up with this crap.

Me:                  You’re just lucky I guess.

So, there you are.  The pros and cons of Crystal Meth as a weight loss supplement.  Aren’t you glad you read my blog?

 

Once again, this is just a joke and obviously it contradicts the stuff I said last week about drugs.  Just get over it.  Daniel knows I’m kidding!

 

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34 Comments

  1. Katja Brown
    October 21, 2011

    I like your strategy. Throw out some totally ridiculous stuff and see how your child reacts to it. Especially since we have learned from a previous post that several of your children’s friends have “experimented” with illegal drugs.

    Shock therapy is good! And I am always for a pro/con list (that’s how I solve a lot of my daily conundrums).

    • Lynn
      October 21, 2011

      well, i do so love my silly conversations …

  2. Jayme (RandomBlogette)
    October 21, 2011

    I get you. This is hilarious. This sounds like a conversation that I have had with my husband about becoming a crack whore. Don’t forget about the whole rotting teeth too.

    I can’t wait until my kids get older so I can torture them like this.
    Jayme (RandomBlogette) recently posted..#Pinterest Weekly Meal Plan – Week 4My Profile

    • Lynn
      October 21, 2011

      my daughter asked me to become a crack whore so she would have something interesting to write about for her college essays. I declined…

  3. Lady Estrogen
    October 21, 2011

    I mean, really, what ELSE is a basement meant to be used for? Hahaha.
    Lady Estrogen recently posted..The X-Factor revealed!My Profile

    • Lynn
      October 21, 2011

      i know right? feel free to use your basement this way…if you have one

  4. Julie
    October 21, 2011

    I agree with Jayme ~ the damage to the teeth is horrible. However, you could set up your lab and become the local dealer, saving all the profits for future dental implants and plastic surgery to correct your complexion issues. Wow, this is a tough one! So many choices!!!

    • Lynn
      October 21, 2011

      true…but i LIKE my teeth so i don’t think i’ll go with the crystal meth diet

  5. meghan's mom
    October 21, 2011

    Hi Lynne,
    I have recently discovered your blog, and have enjoyed getting my Lynne humor fix! I really miss those days of sitting in the bleachers laughing at your conversations and comments. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really miss sitting on those bleachers for what seemed like days and days at a time, but the conversations kept it bearable!

    Meghan told me that she and Keely have shared a couple of comments (I think about their “gangsta” phase) on Facebook and she had me vote for Keely’s essay. I wish you all of the best for whatever is ahead for Keely.

    Looking forward to reading more of your stories…

    Barbara D.

    • Lynn
      October 21, 2011

      hey there! first, i kind of miss those days too. I find that without the sports interaction i can spend days without any conversation at all. I agree.
      Yeah, Keely said all the swimmers were VERY SUPPORTIVE with their votes and i really appreciate your voting as well. Keely does a good job keeping in touch with so many of the girls. Those were good times and i miss them too!

      as to the blog, thank you. I never know who’s reading what i spew out. You know me!

  6. Stephanie
    October 21, 2011

    I too have contemplated the pros and cons of the meth diet with my kids while promoting the upside of the business venture. I guess I took it a bit to far since my daughter asked my son if she should tell their Dare coordinator at school. I contemplate it EVERYTIME I open my closet. Now that jeans weather is here I guess I’ll spend my day searching the web for home-meth-lab-kits rather than working on my blog. Thanks for the unneeded distraction!

    • Lynn
      October 21, 2011

      hahaha…see? i knew this topic was relatable! and my kids thought people would be pissed…as if

      • Stephanie
        October 21, 2011

        Another blog I started following, perhaps because it is on your friend list is “Mommy Wants Vodka”. Being that we are new to the small rural town, everyone still looks at me like I have 2 heads. I think what is more entertaining for me and annoying for them is my “I don’t give a fuck” attitude so when I told my son that since the “Football Moms” don’t want to include me when handing out t-shirt order sheets with your sons name and number on them, that I was fine with that, I had found my own.

        So when I told him that I am ordering a “SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH” shirt from Mommy Wants Vodka to wear for the rest of the season, he took me very seriously and brought me home 3 new t-shirts on his trip to DC. He informed me that it is just the right number for the rest of his season.

        I still think I am ordering, at least for the grocery store…

        • Lynn
          October 21, 2011

          yeah…small towns can be hard. Most of the people i know now are used to me but it took a GOOD LONG WHILE for that to happen. that’s a pretty funny story that he brought you shirts to avoid the “shut your whore mouth” t-shirt.

          Yeah, i love Becky…on her blog and in real life.

          Thanks for commenting

  7. becky
    October 21, 2011

    hahaheehee – I’m glad to read that I am not the only parent who has conversations like this with her children. My youngest usually just leaves the room after rolling his eyes and shaking his head. I’m pretty sure he goes to his room to start calling nursing homes – just in case.

    • Lynn
      October 21, 2011

      nope…i think people have them but just won’t admit to them…type up one of your funny convos and submit it to “go ahead, amuse me”.

      I’m always looking for new people

  8. mark @ yelling near you
    October 21, 2011

    Wise choice – meth mouth is disgusting. If you’re going to go down the road of illegal drug diets, stick with the cocaine diet – you’ll feel great, lose weight, and be amazingly productive!
    mark @ yelling near you recently posted..The Dishwasher WarsMy Profile

  9. Stephanie
    October 21, 2011

    Just went on Bloggy Moms to check it out because I haven’t rally done anytng but join and who do I see smiling at me? Why of course, its All Fooked Up’s Miss Lynn. I think I have seen your face more than my kids this week!

    • Lynn
      October 22, 2011

      really? i never go to the site. I wonder why my face is up there. Too funny! I better see what’s up

  10. Name *
    October 22, 2011

    Completelly hilarious. Love it.

  11. Amy
    October 22, 2011

    “And clearly I don’t read comment directions well”, says Name.

    • Lynn
      October 22, 2011

      Hahaha…I can see who it is by the email address… How have you been doing girl???

  12. Thedesertrocks
    October 23, 2011

    I loved this. Very creative. Thanks for making me laugh, but yes don’t ever even think about it.

    • Lynn
      October 23, 2011

      That’s why I’m here…to help u think about it

  13. Vicki
    October 25, 2011

    It’s NOT just Me ? I thought I was alone in my desire/fear of using Meth to be skinny .. But just like You Lynn, Hubby pointed out that I’d look old, have less teeth and/or die .. Always the voice of reason that one ! Uggg ..

    • Lynn
      October 25, 2011

      no…we all want short cuts don’t we

  14. JLynn
    October 25, 2011

    I touted the benefits of a Meth diet a few years ago– what’s the point of paying the premiums for my health insurance if I don’t use it for something. Might as well max out those substance abuse benefits. Someone finally asked me if I watched Nip/Tuck–apparently this was a storyline on their show. A porn star needed to drop the baby weight and get back to work.

    • Lynn
      October 25, 2011

      yeah? how did that go over?

      • JLynn
        October 25, 2011

        I think she might have killed herself, but I bet she looked great in her casket. I’d say it was a pretty even trade.

  15. By Word of Mouth Musings
    November 8, 2011

    See, you taunt with the idea of getting skinny and then you throw in a dead toothless wonder.
    Buzz kill – totally!
    But awesome for Time Travel Tuesday ….
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Tales from the Crypt Time Travel TuesdayMy Profile

    • Lynn
      November 8, 2011

      well, i like to shake your crowd up, ya know?

  16. Jackie
    November 8, 2011

    so I saw your warning before the post started and because of that I had to read it! Not that I wouldn’t have any way.

    Way to shake things up!

  17. JDaniel4's Mom
    November 8, 2011

    Stopping from Time Travel Tuesday!

    You sure know how to get his attention!

    • Lynn
      November 8, 2011

      well, i’m a big fan of unorthodox conversations

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