This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which Daniel kicked his ass

I often wonder if I had a journal and wrote down stuff as it happened whether this would be a much funnier blog.  I’m often accused of “misrepresenting” my family and completely twisting the conversations that we have but by the time I am ready to write the post, I can never remember exactly what happened.

 

Case in point.

 

Yesterday, or probably not yesterday as of the day this is posted, but yesterday as in the day before I’m actually writing this post, we were down at Duke for graduation.  Now I know I’ve already written a few things about graduation, none of them having to do with the actual graduation of course, but I was down there for an entire weekend so of course, plenty of funny shit occurred.

 

But yesterday was the actual graduation. I’m going to write a post about that because it was pretty awesome but this post is about the lunch we had after graduation.  Between the graduation and the small ceremony where Keely received her diploma (*** Bragging moment here: graduated Cum Laude from Duke University with a major of International Comparative Studies and a minor in both History and French.  She actually had enough credits for 6 minors but they don’t allow that.  Beyond that, she got History Honors.  DONE BRAGGING MOMENT ***)

 

(NOTE TO READER: I usually don’t like to brag but honestly, this kid went to college and had a tumor and was on crutches forever and is having another surgery next Monday so throw her a fucking bone! END: Note to Reader)

 

So, we had a few hours before the graduation and her diploma ceremony so we decided to go to a nice lunch.  Of course, being disorganized, we decided to skip the box lunch at the ICS ceremony and go out to a restaurant.  Keely had never eaten at “Chama’s” before so we decided to go there.  Chama’s is a Brazilian steakhouse and none of us had ever eaten at this type of restaurant before so off we went not knowing what to expect.

 

We walked in and there was this amazing salad bar and we sat down at the table.  The table had what I thought was a coaster on it.  It had two sides, one red one green.

 

The waiter came over and explained that the salad bar was included but not to eat too much.  The reason was that waiters would come by with all sorts of different meats for you to try.  When you wanted to eat some meat you turned over the card to “green” and when you wanted a break you turned the card over to “red.”  You could keep changing to red and green and back again to control your own pace of eating.

This sounded pretty funny to me but I didn’t really think about it and off we went to the salad bar.  The salad bar was amazing with cheeses and all sorts of salads and honestly, that would have been more than enough for me anyways.

 

We sat down and had our salads.  We all kept them small because we had been warned.  When we were ready, we all looked around and said; “go” and we turned our cards to green.  Within minutes, we had a waiter at our table with “chicken” and “sausage.”  We had been given “tongs” because they just cut the meat off the bone and then we used our “tongs” to grab it and put it on our plate.

 

So, I tasted the chicken but not the sausage, as I don’t like sausage.  Only Kevin and Daniel got both.  Minutes later, out came pork followed by lamb, filet mignon, flank steak, more chicken, more ribs, sirloin, more sausage…literally every meat known to man.  After a bit of chicken, lamb (didn’t like it), steak (too rare) and filet I turned my card over to red.

At that point, they just continue coming to the people whose card is green which in this case was just Kevin and Daniel.  By now, Daniel was having more than anyone and Kevin was determined that Daniel not beat him by having more courses.

 

Is this stupid? Of course it is but that’s my family.  The apples don’t fall far from the tree around here.  So Daniel would go red and then Kevin would go red and then Daniel would go green and then Kevin would go green.  At some point, Keely and I decided to go green for a few minutes and have another bite of chicken but it was mainly an asinine contest between Kevin and Daniel.  When Kevin told Daniel he was going to win, Daniel pointed out the half-eaten sausage on Kevin’s plate and said, “That doesn’t count.”  I guess you had to be there but it was so damn funny.  By the way, Daniel kicked his ass!

 

I then realized how useful one of these cards would be in real life.  I told Kevin, this would be great when talking to Vermonters.  They could be explaining and over explaining as they are wont to do, and then I could hold up the red card, which means stop.  I can then tell them “cut to the chase” and go green again and we can get to the end of the story.  See?  Efficiency?

We then spent the rest of the meal realizing that this would be the most awesome thing on earth.  Say someone comes up to you and they won’t shut up? You just hold up the red card and BAM: no more talking.

 

Genius right?

 

Once again, I’ve figured out something that would save the world from hours of endless drivel and other crap.  Basically a “Just STOP” card and whatever the other person is doing ends without any stupid discussion.

 

I’m working for you people.  This is my gift!  Use it, don’t use it.  I don’t care but don’t tell me I’m not a giver…

 

 

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16 Comments

  1. We should take these to the next conference ;)
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Blogging is not a hobby.My Profile

    • Lynn
      May 16, 2012

      I know right? they were awesome

      • Rahul
        June 8, 2012

        lakesriversoceans on August 15, 2011 Wow! this is very creative Wow! Wow! Wow! U got to see right now this NEW music video about Dropping POUNDS-Shedding Weight & it’s a part of a 12 video SERIES caleld: I like the way you move by JM (JM THE MASTER MINUTE)

  2. Margaret
    May 16, 2012

    You totally stuffed every single one of those cards in your purse on the way out, right?

    Did they have “fejuada” –I have no idea if that’s spelled right but it’s the meal I remember the most from when I lived in Brazil as a kid. Who knew Brazilian food was a thing?
    Margaret recently posted..Two Steps Forward…One Step BackMy Profile

    • Lynn
      May 16, 2012

      I took some of them…tasted like normal food to me but there was a lot of it

    • Amanda
      June 8, 2012

      I feel So sorry for Stephanie J Block she is brillant as Elphaba but she is out shiend by Idina Menzel because Idina was in two production of Wicked (orginal and broadway) and stephanie was in the on after Idina in the U.S. I was kind of hoping she was going to be in the Australian verison but Jemma Rix was awesome so its all good

  3. tracy fulks
    May 16, 2012

    Hilarious as always. Those places freak me out, I kept waiting for a bridesmaidsesque ending. Who needs that much meat, seriously?
    The STOP GO cards made it. Congrats to Keely, Cum Laude in spite of the fact that you gave her a tumor in her hip by making her sleep on the floor as a child. You must have done something right, probably all the detachment parenting.

    • Lynn
      May 16, 2012

      detachment parenting is the key to success…new mantra

  4. Julie
    May 16, 2012

    Genius. Proof again, that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree ~ Keely gets it from you. A huge, genuine heart felt congrats to your daughter for the amazing accomplishment (even if it was from Duke, sorry, I HAD to go there).

    • Lynn
      May 16, 2012

      hahaha…i really, really wanted Kentucky though

  5. Jester Queen
    May 16, 2012

    I love Missy’s idea. As more of the audience holds up cards, the panel moderator buzzers the speaker. On another note, my husband’s extended family is in Vermont. I totally thought it was just his family that did that. I had NO IDEA it was a regional issue.

    • Lynn
      May 16, 2012

      nope…it’s the entire region. THey could tell a 2 minute story for an hour…unbelievable

  6. Melanie
    May 16, 2012

    I have never been to a Brazilian steak house, ’cause just the thought of all that delicious meat makes my tummy hurt. Plus I don’t feel like I’d get my money’s worth. I’d probably last through one green round.

    I concur on having that card for life. It would be so much simpler than having to do the hand motion for “Wrap it up…jesus!” to people all the time.

    • Lynn
      May 16, 2012

      It was a crazy amount of food, especially considering it was a lunch meal.

  7. Annabelle
    May 17, 2012

    Ohhhh, churrascarias are so out of control! I’ve only been once but I ended up grossly overstuffed despite prompt use of the cards. I can’t tell you how much the guys I was with ate!

    Those cards really would be awfully useful in life.

  8. Claudia
    May 18, 2012

    We have one of those places here in Houston, and it was the single most terrifying experience of my life! It’s like these dudes just come up out of the floor holding giant skewers of meat. The were EVERYWHERE and they looked at me all judgemental like when I turned the little card over that indicated, and I”m paraphrasing here “Please, for the love of god, stop it with the plethora of meat already”.

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