This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
So it’s Sunday and I’m tooling my way back across the pond to the good old USA. I’ve actually been in the plane for 3 hours but we just took off. No really! It’s true. After visiting last year for five days and this year for four days of beautiful weather, I woke up this morning to a very foggy day. So foggy in fact that when they boarded us they informed us that we had a 60-80 minute delay which actually ended up being over two hours. Considering that they make you board way, way early for an international flight I was already on the plane 3 hours before we EVEN took off!
I wasn’t concerned though because being that I was one of the last to board, I asked if there were any middle rows available. Lo and behold there were so they gave me all three seats. I therefore, laid down and took a nap and now I feel quite refreshed as I hadn’t slept much the night before. What’s interesting to me is that the pilot announced that since we were two hours behind, they would attempt to make it up in the air.
This is a nine hour flight and what I want to know is “if they can go faster in the first place, WHY DON’T THEY?” I mean, do they fly at 500 mph but if they’re behind they go at 550? So why wouldn’t they just fly as fast as possible and make the trip shorter in the first place. Yes folks, these are the things I ponder when I have no electrical devices to mess with and I’m laying there for hours.
At any rate, that wasn’t actually the point of this post. I have plenty of good material to share with you. How about I start with the fact that yesterday I almost burnt my cousins house down and I’m not sure I’ll ever be welcome back in London again. WHAT you say? Let me first introduce the players, the settings and the plot.
It would take an entire post to describe the party but suffice it to say that other than beer, wine and champagne they were serving Martinis. And not just any martinis, some funky “current” celery, lemon grass and other assorted crap martinis. Now, while I don’t cook, this family is full of incredible cooks. In fact Susie is a professional chef so they were cooking up the mixture themselves for the party. This is where the fun begins.
Laurie: Lynn, come taste the Martini mixture.
Me: yuck, this is crap! Are you seriously serving this?
Susie: Lynn, you don’t know anything.
Laurie: we need more…enough for 150 people
Me: 149! I’m not drinking that crap… I’ll bring my own mixer
Susie: Lynn, this is the latest fad
Me: so what. If everyone was eating shit I wouldn’t do that either
Laurie: Susie, ignore Lynn
Susie: we need to make more
So they keep making more of the wretched stuff while I consider dying of boredom. Oh, and did I mention that Laurie has just been undergoing a massive kitchen renovation and the unveiling was the night before and this was the first thing EVER cooked in her new amazing kitchen? Because that’s pretty important to the story.
So they’re cooking and then they decide to try on dresses for the big shindig that night and drag me up to the third floor to preview several renditions of the little black dress. At this point I’m hoping I’ll die of hypoxia due to the altitude but no joy. I’m stuck saying yeah, that’s fine while they lecture me for NOT HAVING sisters and that’s why I don’t APPRECIATE this. I’m looking for a toothpick or something to kill myself with but again…no joy.
Finally, we go back downstairs and Laurie announces she will “rest” for the big evening and Susie and I are going to walk down to a shop so Susie can buy Laurie a gift. So we leave and go to the store and there’s nothing much there but there’s a cute little outdoor cafe across the street.
Me: Susie, it’s 2:00 and I’ve only had a croissant today, let’s have lunch.
Susie: I can’t
Me: sure you can. We can split a salad. I need veggies and some protein.
Susie: I can’t, I have that Martini mix on the stove at Laurie’s
Me: Just a quick lunch, I’m really hungry!
Susie: ok, maybe a quick one. I’ll have some wine too since I’m on vacation.
Me: great, I’ll have a beer and we will split this chicken Caesar salad.
So it’s an awesome day and we sit down outside and the meal is great but SLOW.
Me: this is nice
Susie: I have to get back
Me: no you don’t. It’s all-good!
Susie: the martini stuff is on the stove
Me: it’ll be fine
Susie: I should call Laurie and have her check it
Me: …and wake her up? She’s taking a nap. What could go wrong?
Susie: you don’t get it Lynn. If something goes wrong she will be mad at me, not you.
Me: ahhh… Just chill. I’ll take full responsibility. Besides, what could possibly go wrong?
So we finished our lunch and meandered home, opened the front door and HOLY SHIT!!!! The entire place was completely filled with smoke!!! We are soooooo fucked!
Susie drops her bag, turns to me and screams, “I told you Lynn, I can’t believe I listened to you!” (ummmm…neither can I actually) and starts racing downstairs. Meanwhile, Laurie has just awoken to a house full of smoke and I hear her scream “what have you done to my house?” and I’m thinking FUCK, how am I going to explain to Kevin that I have to buy Laurie a new kitchen because I burnt down her one day old kitchen already.
So I get downstairs and you can barely see anything. I mean this is some THICK smoke. Fortunately, only the pot was burnt and there were no flames. Laurie throws the pot outside and she is hysterical. Susie goes upstairs to open doors and windows and she is also hysterical and I’m trying not to laugh because…well, hysteria just isn’t my thing.
So I help open windows and try to explain to Laurie that it’s my entire fault because I convinced Susie we were all good.
Me: don’t be mad a Susie
Laurie: it’s her fault
Me: I convinced her it was fine
Laurie: Why would SHE EVER listen to you about cooking? (by the way, this is a valid point)
Me: well, I was hungry and I made her not listen to her common sense (I have this affect on people)
Laurie: (too upset to listen to me) well, we are supposed to get our hair done in 15 minutes, where’s my purse?
But she can’t find her purse anywhere and is freaking and I shove them out the door because I wasn’t getting my hair done. I had agreed to hang out at the front door which was wide open so the house wouldn’t get robbed although, why would anyone rob such a smoky, smelly house but I didn’t say that out loud!!!
So they leave and I call Kevin and because I suck so very much and I can’t stop laughing. Finally I hang up and Laurie texts me “did I find her purse?” and I say, ” no, I thought I was keeping robbers away” and she says “find the purse!!”
(Apparently, Laurie cried the whole hair appointment because I burnt her kitchen; all her new upholstery was going to smell of smoke and her purse was missing)
So I looked and looked and this is a 5-story house and finally I gave up, but not before locating the M&M’s because these girls were rattling my good mood. While sitting and eating chocolate I spotted something and it was Laurie’s purse. I quickly texted her that indeed I had located her purse and she was so excited about this that I was now a hero!!! See folks, THIS is how you spin a disaster!
Next on the agenda, Susie walked in to REMAKE the martini crap and while the house still smelled, the smoke was gone. I went to meet Laurie and get a manicure.
Me: so, Laurie do you hate me?
Laurie: don’t talk to me
Me: well Ian (son) walked in and said the house smelled good. Like something was cooking
Laurie: don’t talk to me
Me: you know Laurie, after a few drinks tonight, this is going to be a very funny story
Laurie: maybe, but NOT YET
Me: well how long should I give you before I make fun of it?
Laurie: a few hours
Me: I told you those vegetable martinis were a bad idea
Me: By the way, don’t you have smoke detectors?
Laurie: I do, they didn’t go off
Me: shit! You should be thanking me for finding that out before you have a big fire
Laurie: thanks a lot Lynn
Me: this is going to be a great blog post
Laurie: glad we could help
Me: … and I’m going to treat you and Hallie (daughter) to this manicure to make up for this
Laurie: I think those shots they just gave us took the edge off
… so guess what? By the time I got to the party (which was unbelievable by the way) Laurie had told tons of people her “funny afternoon” story and apparently those lemon grass martinis were all the rage and I had about four of them.
Still not sure I’ll be invited back to London though which is a shame because I was just starting to enjoy myself!
As I was explaining to my Aunt and Uncle last night whilst explaining the afternoon, “when your life is a clusterfuck you become very good at triage!”
And so it goes …