This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i baked pot brownies

There used to be a commercial on TV sponsored by the anti drug people that showed a picture of an egg with the caption “this is your brain.” In the next frame, they had cracked the egg and it was happily frying in a hot pan with the caption, “this is your brain on drugs!”

I think that I’m a walking example of the latter caption: “this is your brain on drugs.” There are times when I worry that I’ve destroyed my brain but then, all I have to do is remember that I never really had one. When I worry that my memory is going and that I’m getting dementia and I start pestering Kevin, “how will we know if my brain is failing?” He tells me to relax and reminds me about our Vermont car trip. When Kevin and I first started dating, we went up to Vermont to visit his brother and sister-in-law. On the way home, I decided that I wanted to memorize the lyrics to Bob Dylan’s “Tight Connection to My Heart”. We listened to the song, repeatedly, the entire four hours. I managed to memorize 4 lines. Seriously, 4 lines in 4 hours! When I remember that story I realize that I’ve never had any short term memory and that I’m in the same shape I was 25 years ago. But I digress…

I have done my fair share of drugs in college and after and while I don’t want to glorify their use, I did have some funny stories come out of that time period. Today, I’m going to share one with you. I went to Hopkins pre-med, determined to be a doctor. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the only one with this goal and since they graded on a curve and many of the other people were willing to study for their grades, I wasn’t exactly an “A” student. By my sophomore year, I had switched my major two times and I was getting fed up with Hopkins and I decided to transfer. But lo and behold, it seemed that my grades weren’t up to snuff for the top schools to consider me and I sure as hell wasn’t going to transfer to a crappy school, so in essence, I flunked into Hopkins.

As I entered my junior year I hadn’t made any living arrangements and so I ended up sharing an apartment with a random transfer student. This student, let’s call her Elaine, was a SERIOUS STUDENT. She was Philippino and had gotten a 1600 on her SAT’s and had just transferred in from Rennsellear Polytechnic Institute. She, of course, was pre-med and her goal was to get “A’s” in her classes, ALL “A’s!” We were polar opposites.

But we settled into a routine and although we didn’t have much in common, we became great friends. I would go into Elaines’ room, plop down on her bed and start talking. She would explain to me that she was studying organic and couldn’t talk. Undeterred, I would stay and continue talking. I finally decided that my goal for the year would be to completely corrupt her.

Unfortunately, that was easier said then done until one day it happened by accident. Here’s the set up. I think I’ve mentioned before that I was on the swim team at Johns Hopkins but I didn’t really swim much my junior year. The reason is that on one of the first days of practice, somebody slammed into me and broke my hand and I was in a cast for six weeks. Right after that, I got pneumonia so I basically took the season off. I did, however, still have my lifeguarding job. I lifeguarded up at the pool twice a week for 3 hours each.

One day I decided that I should bake pot brownies. I baked them, ate two of them, and went to my job as a lifeguard. (This is the point in the story that horrifies my kids. Yes, I have told my kids this story. I use my life as a cautionary tale of what NOT to do). Now that sounds worse than it actually is because my shift was from 4-7:00 and the swim team had practice from 4-6:00. The chances of any of my friends, who were all swimmers and lifeguards themselves, drowning was slim. So I went to work pretty stoned and mellow just watching swimming practice when I realized that it was 6:45 and I had the munchies. You just can’t ignore the munchies now can you?

Across from my apartment building was this little hole-in-the-wall store that sold some odds and ends and more importantly, ICE CREAM. Unfortunately, said store closed at 7:00 P.M. sharp. I desperately needed ice cream so I made a phone call to Elaine.

Me:          “Elaine, I need you to do me a favor.”

Elaine:      “What do you need?”

Me:         “I need you to go across the street to the little shop and buy me a container of Vanilla Fudge Swirl ice cream”

Elaine:      “Why do you need ice cream, we have brownies right here.”

Me:          “Elaine, do not touch those brownies.”

Elaine:      “Why? I already had two and they were fine.”

Me:          (pause … silence …) “Elaine?”

Elaine:      “What?”

Me:          “Ummm…those were pot brownies.”

Elaine:      “What?”

Me:          “THOSE WERE POT BROWNIES.”

Elaine:      “OH MY GOD!”

Me:          “Just calm down.”

Elaine:      (freaking out) “Oh my god, what do I do? Should I drink some coffee?”

Me:          “No, that won’t help.”

Elaine:      (freaking out even more) “Should I take a cold shower?”

Me:          “No, that won’t help either.”

Elaine:      (totally freaking out now) “OH MY GOD! What am I going to do?
                 I don’t do drugs. I can’t believe this.”

Me:          “Elaine, you need to stay calm and listen to me carefully.”

Elaine:      “Ok.”

Me:          “Are you listening carefully?”

Elaine:      “Yes.”

Me:          “Ok, go across the street to the store and buy TWO CONTAINERS OF ICE CREAM!!”

It’s true! That was my sage advice! She was totally freaking but I knew the best thing to do was to double down on the ice cream. That was the first and last time that she did drugs but I will never forget either that story or that night. Yeah, I didn’t really manage to corrupt her and she’s a doctor today but it wasn’t for lack of trying.

I’m just saying…

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14 Comments

  1. Carla E. Knight
    September 29, 2010

    So is "Elaine"'s real name Mary Jean?

  2. Theresa Sonoda
    December 12, 2010

    OMG this story totally made my whole day. I’ll be chuckling all evening. I, too, have fond memories of pot brownies…..but never had anyone eat them by mistake. AWESOME.

    And I also told my kids about SOME of my escapades, in hopes to deter them from such behavior. Either it worked or they’re not fessing up.

    Soooooo funny. Love your blog!

    • Lynn
      December 12, 2010

      Hey thanks. Yeah, all my kids know my stories. They haven’t experimented with drugs as a result. Does that work or was I lucky? I have no idea but I’ll take it. This is one of my favorite stories. I have A LOT!!!!!! Thanks for reading.

  3. Tim@sogeshirts
    January 1, 2011

    Haha very funny end to that. Go get some ice cream. Nothing else would have helped except for maybe chips.

    • Lynn
      January 1, 2011

      It’s been a long time but this is one of my favorite stories. I have about five goto stories and this is one of them. Thanks for reading and commenting Dave. Happy New Year!

  4. brandi
    January 15, 2011

    Oh that is just great! Reminds me of a story. One year at work they decided to throw a company picnic on 4/20. No kidding and I work with a bunch of squares. In a warehouse. But anyway. . .
    When they announce this my stoner friend chimes in, “Brandi and me are gonna bring pot brownies!”
    I try to look at her as if she is crazy and I have no idea what she is talking about.
    Our lead supervisor looks a litte.worried and says “Oh no, M did that already a long time ago, I went to grab a brownie and he said ‘No, A, those ones are not for you.”

    The crazy thing is this guy still works for the company.

    • Lynn
      January 15, 2011

      Hahaha…that’s hilarious!

  5. Lady Estrogen
    January 19, 2011

    Good times!
    My aunt did that to my mother and never told her; said she was totally hilarious stoned. She was so high and mighty about NEVER being on drugs, ever, so I finally spilled the beans. My aunt was pissed that I told her – Meh, it was worth it to knock my mom off her drug-free pedestal. HAHAHA.

    adventuresinestrogen.blogspot.com

    • Lynn
      January 19, 2011

      Hahaha…that’s so funny. I just read that to my husband and we cracked up. Sometimes I miss my wilder self…

  6. Lynn Kimble
    January 23, 2011

    OMG, when you told her to get two ice creams, I almost fell out my chair laughing!!!! I’m officially hooked on your blog and will definitely see what you have to say. Your tweets are so funny and I’m surprised I clicked on the brownie post (thought it was another mom menu planning)! Hey, you’re following me on Twitter too right? @9PinkDiamonds

    Anyway, so funny you’re “All Fooked Up”!!!!

    • Lynn
      January 23, 2011

      That’s one of my most favorite stories. I love it and even my kids tell that story (yeah, I’m a terrible mom). Thanks for checking me out and I’ll check on the twitter thing right frakking now!

  7. Name *
    March 6, 2011

    That is so funny! I have never even heard or had pot brownies.

    This is a Great Post Lynn, this is why I keep coming back to your blog, the humor.

    I am not as funny as you but I would love for you to follow my blog also http://eastxramblings.blogspot.com/ Thanks.
    Name * recently posted..You found it whereMy Profile

    • Lynn
      March 6, 2011

      Because you asked so nicely, i did indeed go read your post about tea. Thanks for following me and although I never do it, I followed you back. Have great day!

      • Name *
        March 6, 2011

        Thanks a bunch Lynn. I am patiently for your next post :)

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