This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i begin the descent

It’s coming. I can feel it seeping into the recesses of my mind. Depression. It’s like the fingers of a fog. At first you don’t notice and then there’s that haze everywhere and you can no longer see clearly. When I began this blog three months ago, I was in what you might refer to as a “hypomanic” stage. What does that mean? The definition of hypomania according to Wikipedia is “a mood state characterized by persistent and pervasive elevated (euphoric) or irritable mood, as well as thoughts and behaviors that are consistent with such a mood state. Individuals in a hypomanic state have a decreased need for sleep, are extremely outgoing and competitive, and have a great deal of energy. Hypomania is a feature of bipolar II disorder and is sometimes credited with increasing creativity and productive energy. A significant number of people with creative talents have reportedly experienced hypomania or other symptoms of bipolar disorder and attribute their success to it. Classic symptoms of hypomania include mild euphoria, a flood of ideas, endless energy, and a desire and drive for success.”

Ok, so I’ve been in this incredibly good mood for about six months now. I feel great and I’ve actually lost weight as I’m a person who tends to eat when “down” or under stress. My ideas are zipping around in my brain like electrons. Sleep? Who needs it? So yeah, I’d say I was in a hypomanic state.

Three months ago I decided to begin this blog. Naturally, the first thing that happened was my children figured that I would never stick it out. In a way I understand their attitudes and I have a tendency to quit things when I’m bored (and I’m bored a lot). I’ve actually begun the process of writing my book twice before and did indeed post 3 entries to this blog back in 2008 before I quit. So, I get their doubt and attitude. But this time, it pissed me off. I tried to explain that it’s not that I’m incapable of completing tasks; it’s always been a choice to quit. I could see by their skepticism that they really didn’t buy into that. So, I decided that come hell or high water, I was going to blog for at least 6 months. Now this is no small statement for me. The only thing I’ve done longer than 6 months is actually keep my kids around and believe me when I tell you; I wasn’t given a choice in the matter.

I talked to my shrink and he pointed out that my mood normally crashes around Thanksgiving. There are many reasons for this but the biggest reason is SAD (seasonal affective disorder). It’s been a pattern for so long that at this point, I just accept that around Thanksgiving I’m going to crash into a melancholy mood and stay there until around March. It didn’t help that 12 years ago my Dad died two days before Thanksgiving and I have correlation as well. I’m not dysfunctional when I’m down, at least no more than normal. I’m just more contemplative, agitated and morose, you get the drift. Can I still have fun? Can I still be fun? Yes, the depression is not all encompassing or all consuming and I actually take Prozac to control it but still, after all these years I no longer fight my moods. I simply hold on and take the roller coaster ride that is Lynn MacDonald.

Why am I telling you this? First, it’s my blog and I can say what I damn well please. Second, so many people hide their mood swings. I don’t. They’re who I am. Without them, maybe I wouldn’t be funny, or creative, or I don’t know … I just wouldn’t be me. So I embrace them. I don’t always like them but I don’t fight them either. I’m 51. I am who I am, for better or worse. I have absolutely nothing to hide. If you’ve been a reader of this blog, you will get to know me, warts and all!

Back to the beginning. I talked to my shrink and told him my goal and he said what happens when you crash; are sad and want to quit? I said, maybe it’s time to grow up (I know, right?) and tough my way through this. Maybe I will be sad so I’ll write sad stuff. Maybe I won’t be as funny. Maybe I’ll be more introspective. Maybe I’ll just plain suck but I’M GOING TO DO THIS. For the first time in my life, I’m going to push the envelope and make myself go through the darkness and unfortunately for you, you’re going to accompany me.

So, here I am. The last few weeks I noticed that I’ve been pissed off and ranting a lot. I even picked a huge fucking fight with someone close to me which is still not resolved at this point. This morning, I realized that I had gained some weight. Yesterday, my shrink asked me some questions about my mood and pointed out that I was showing all the signs of a crash. Holy Shit! It’s so weird. After all this time, even noting where we are in the calendar, it didn’t strike me that I was crashing. But this morning, I could tell. It’s seeping in. I feel tense, agitated. I have doubts. And worries, which is something I completely avoid.

The journey is about to begin. The fact is that All Fooked Up is as fucked up as the rest of you. Don’t deny it, you’re fucked up too! I hope you stick with me. It’ll still be fun because I’m not a “stay in the bed” type of person. I’ll have adventures, funny stories. In fact, right after the light bulb went off this morning, Kevin and I had an incredibly funny conversation which I shall soon share. I’m very self-aware and I think you’ll enjoy the ride. So batten down the hatches and get ready for the storm. Lynn MacDonald is descending into madness!

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8 Comments

  1. Doc
    November 30, 2010

    It's good to be self aware… I hope this helps deal with what you feel is coming.

  2. uberscribbler
    November 30, 2010

    Would the rest of humanity were as self-aware and sane.

    Wait, I just called you "sane"? Wasn't that a character on some anime space opera back in the late-70s?

  3. Sarah
    November 30, 2010

    Hang on a mo, I'm just buckling up…!

  4. Carla E. Knight
    November 30, 2010

    I'm a few weeks ahead of you. Had my sister (she's an MD) change my meds hoping for some improvement, but who am I kidding? It's getting darker and grayer and nothing will get better until spring. I'm gonna try to stick it out with my blog. I hope you stick with yours. You help me get motivated.

  5. Anonymous
    November 30, 2010

    Wait a minute………You can not get depressed, especially since you've been on such a great roll!!! After all, you are Lynn MacDonald and there's "no one" anywhere quite like you!

    That being said, I guess we'll buckle our seat belts and get ready for a roller coaster ride! Yikes!!!!

  6. NIC
    November 30, 2010

    Ill be here for you! I have been there too. See were are a lot alike

  7. Wally J
    November 30, 2010

    I think I have the same thing. Happens around Thanksgiving every year. My wife gets upset that now "I don't like Christmas." I love Christmas and the birth of Jesus and all, but she's right that I don't like something about the season. I get depressed, but I am not sure why. My Mom dies about 7 years ago, and maybe that is it. I find myself missing her at the holidays, because the four of us (me, wife, Mom & Dad) did things together every year. Black Friday shopping, Christmas visiting and turkey dinner, New Years Eve, etc.

  8. Emma Jayne
    December 2, 2010

    Your honesty is really touching, Lynn. I suffer from depression also so I totally relate to the spiral downward. Did you know us Geminis absolutely cannot be bored or else we are at higher risk for depression? And, to make matters worse, everything bores us after a while. Sigh. We doomed. Hang in there!

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