This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i contact Lynn’s brain

Dear Lynn’s brain:

 

You need to calm down.  I realize that on a normal day you operate at only half of the human capacity but that lack of brainpower seems to get you in trouble on a fairly consistent basis.  Just the other day when you were in a bit of a fight with some half-assed country singer with no sense of humor, someone asked how shit like this always happens to you.

 

I think I might know the answer.  You tend to shoot first and then ask questions later.  It’s possible that the term ADD (attention deficit disorder) was invented JUST FOR YOU.

 

Why right now, and actually the reason I’m writing to you, is that you’re considering doing a bonehead and COMPLETELY stupid thing.  Although I’ve tried to tell you to “calm down” and “be patient” YOU are considering writing a really, really stupid email.

 

Now, nothing good can come of this email except that you’ll be venting but THEN, after the email is received, you will ONCE AGAIN be in hot water.

 

THAT’S WHY I’m (who am I now? Oh yeah, your better part) trying to convince you to take a deep breath (a possibly a shot of vodka) and DO NOT WRITE THE EMAIL.

 

I know you’re ticked and I get it.  I would be ticked too if somebody contacted me and asked me to do something and then I got ALL EXCITED ABOUT the something and then when I wrote back and said “are you sure you have read my stuff?” and they said “yes, we love you” and then when I wrote back and asked for details they said “well, about that…maybe not now actually.

 

I GET IT!  If you had NEVER gotten the first email you wouldn’t have given it a thought but to be CONTACTED and then start OBSESSING about it and THEN GET DUMPED, it’s enough to piss you off. MAYBE EVEN ENOUGH TO WRITE AN EMAIL!!

 

But still, don’t do it because the truth is that the door wasn’t completely shut.  It still might happen.  But I know you, now you want to get back at them.  So you’re basically willing to cut off your nose to spite yourself.  That never works Lynn’s BRAIN.  NEVER!!! You know this, you do this shit ALL THE TIME!

 

So sit back, read this post and wait to see what happens.  I know that you’re not long on patience.  I know that you are incredibly reactive and hate taking shit from anyone.  I know all these things and I’m still counseling patience.

 

I mean, the worse case scenario is that it still ends as a clusterfuck and you can still send the email at a later date.  RIGHT?  And it still might work out? You never know.

 

Yours truly,

 

The small, and yet saner part, of your personality

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14 Comments

  1. Amy
    March 6, 2012

    Awww.

    But remember the immortal words spoken by Groucho Marks and repeated by Woody Allen; “I’d never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”

    But still…it might work out and then you can teach them a thing or two.

    • Lynn
      March 6, 2012

      they need to be taught don’t they…”we want to be different” BULLSHIT

  2. Ash-Matic
    March 6, 2012

    Where was your brain when this was being written?
    Maybe you should send the email to yourself and pretend it came from someone else (like… your brain, maybe?).
    If it still seems like a good idea then – maybe it is!
    Ash-Matic recently posted..Ash-Matic Does ArachnophobiaMy Profile

    • Lynn
      March 6, 2012

      nah…i’m going to hold off

  3. Jester Queen
    March 6, 2012

    The question, of course, is who was doing the asking and whether you can word the e-mail in a civil way. For instance, ”
    Fuck you, I was all excited and now I just want to go get drunk with the half-assed country singer who gave me the flu” might come off badly. However, “I understand that circumstances change, but I was just curious about what went wrong” probably could begin a dialogue in which you get real answers that don’t cause you to need to rip out some throats.

    • Lynn
      March 6, 2012

      yeah, I’m going to wait it out…we shall see…don’t wanna burn any bridges YET

  4. Julie
    March 6, 2012

    Damn girl, your brain dunn got you all figured out!

    • Lynn
      March 6, 2012

      hahaha…Dunn will never be forgotten on this blog now will he?

  5. By Word of Mouth Musings
    March 6, 2012

    You know the rule – call me before any rash acts – always xxx
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Pregnant Dad, it SO happens!My Profile

    • Lynn
      March 6, 2012

      Hahahaha

  6. Theresa
    March 6, 2012

    HAHA! Totally happened to me. The writer contacted me. Love my work. I came highly recommended, blah…blah….blah… She hounded me. I checked her CV…she was the real deal. But she wanted to meet me NOW! She said “Can you meet me for coffee?” I responded… “Well I am pretty busy (not sooooooo busy, but you know, you have to stay calm), but I can make time tomorrow. Where do you want to meet?” and she responds. ” I can go any coffee shop in midtown by say 11am”…. and then me thinking….ummm Midtown? The only midtown I know is NYC! So I respond with that, and that I am in Irvine, California. DOH!!! You could hear birds chirping…Never heard from her again. She was looking for the same name, only bigger on another coast! She could have at least apologized for the error. So…if you send the e-mail, could you send it double…One for me? LOL!!!

    • Lynn
      March 7, 2012

      that’s funny. These people wanted me to write for them and then…nothing…nada

  7. Zinedine
    March 7, 2012

    I always write messages to me when I’m drunk. When I wake up I’m always surprised what the hell i wrote.
    Zinedine recently posted..You Cant Have Everything – CompromiseMy Profile

    • Lynn
      March 7, 2012

      hahaha…that would be a riot to figure out

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