This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i correspond with Sarah

As you know, I recently had Sarah on “Go ahead, amuse me.”  You can check out her post HERE.  At any rate, she doesn’t have a blog and we corresponded by email.  Her emails were EVEN FUNNIER than her post and I’m going to share some of our correspondence with you.

 

Quit freaking out.  She said I could (not that I cared anyhoo….but still)

From: All Fooked Up <allfookedup@gmail.com>

To: Sarah Ross <sarahaross@noneofyourdamnbidness.com>

Sent: Thursday, September 29, 2011 2:52 PM

Subject: Re: In which you may be amused

 Ok, October 27.  If you start a blog by then let me know and I’ll link you up.  If not, here’s what I did.  Some editing …. a small intro.  That’s pretty much it.

Lynn

On Sep 29, 2011, at 4:08 PM, Sarah Ross <sarahaross@noneofyourdamnbidness.com> wrote:

 That’s awesome, thanks! I’m super excited! Can I ask that you change “therapist” to “friend”? I meant to do that before I sent it to you originally…I would hate for the paparazzi to get a hold of that information. Who knows what horrible rumors would ensue? Thanks again!

From: Lynn MacDonald <allfookedup@gmail.com>

To: Sarah Ross <sarahaross@noneofyourdamnbidness.com>

Sent: Thursday, September 29, 2011 3:35 PM

Subject: Re: In which you may be amused

 Ok…although I loved that cuz ya know, I see a shrink on a weekly basis.  As to the paparazzi, god knows we wouldn’t want that.

Hahaha…ok, since publishing you will obviously do NOTHING to help me, as in bring in all your blog readers, you best get a few of your pals to check out your post!

I’m like a fucking patron of the arts now!!!!

On Sep 29, 2011, at 5:22 PM, Sarah Ross wrote:

 Great. That’s two nice things that you’ve promised to do for me…now I really owe you. In lieu of my firstborn child, I will have my friend post/link it on her blog (I’m not sure how many readers she has since just started, but hey, it’s a start.) I will also post it on Facebook, tweet it and pin your logo to Pinterest. It goes without saying that I have already made an appointment to have your face tattooed on my hand so that everyone will see it when they kiss my ring. I hope that my impending carpal tunnel & surely-to-hurt-like-hell-on-the-back-of-my-hand tattoo will go a small way towards repaying your generous acts of kindness. The arts are lucky to have a patron such as yourself.

Disclaimer: If you’ve already received a similarly worded response, please accept my apologies. I was attempting to reply while placing/paying for/picking up my order in the McDonald’s drive thru while also attempting not to hit the vehicle in front of me. When I got home, I found that I may have inadvertently hit discard instead of send. Because I’m awesome.

From: All Fooked Up <allfookedup@gmail.com>

To: Sarah Ross <sarahaross@noneofyourdamnbidness.com>

Sent: Thursday, September 29, 2011 5:07 PM

Subject: Re: In which you may be amused

ok…that paragraph…was awesome.  I’m not actually a nice person.  It all sounds good to me.  I shall change it immediately.  Both of my girls have over a 1000 facebook friends and one has over 2000 but they won’t put my posts on Facebook.

 I hate em.  I’m considering replacing them with you.  I don’t want your firstborn.  I thought you liked me? I already have a first-born and I don’t want her either.  Next time, go to Chik-fil-a, it’s so much better.

K, thx

Lynn

On Sep 29, 2011, at 6:35 PM, Sarah Ross wrote:

 Though you are not a nice person, I still seem to like you. I’m taking something for it, but they said it might take up to a week to fully get into my system.

 I don’t have a firstborn, but even if I did, my husband probably wouldn’t let me give him/her to you. He’s greedy like that.

 Chik-fil-a may be better, but it was an additional mile down the road…while I was hungry enough to driv to McDonald’s in my pajamas, I wasn’t willing to go that extra mile. Pun intended…only if it was funny.

 If I do start a blog, I may follow suit and use these emails as my first post.

 As a patron: you. fucking. rock.

 Hope your evening is full of unicorns and fairy dust.

From: All Fooked Up <allfookedup@gmail.com>

To: Sarah Ross <sarahaross@noneofyourdamnbidness.com>

Sent: Thursday, September 29, 2011 6:30 PM

Subject: Re: In which you may be amused

 Ok…I just read this ENTIRE thread (or conversation…or email chain…or whatever the fuck it is) to my husband and son and you are fucking hilarious.

 I was thinking of putting these emails as a post too.  Unfortunately, you are coming off funnier than me so you’re going to need to tone that down.  No really, go ahead.  You have a very funny way of writing.

 Actually, your writing style is VERY similar to mine.  Down to the … (ellipses) to the “I digress” to the “I’m just saying”.

 Go ahead, start your blog…you’re funny.

Lynn

P.S.  Here’s a suggestion: SPELL CHECK

 Just saying

On Sep 29, 2011, at 8:00 PM, Sarah Ross <sarahaross@noneofyourdamnbidness.com> wrote:

Well thank you “Fooked Up” family! I just spell checked this whole whatever the fuck it is and this is what it came up with:

“driv” (the e is silent anyway so whatever)

facebook (which isn’t even a real word)

pinterest (see explanation for facebook)

thru (which is just snooty on the part of spell check.)

Ok (really?)

Chik-fil-a

internet (which is totally spelled right, so suck it spell check)

blogs (spell check suggests I use “blags” instead.)

freakin (it’s slang people)

everytime & alot (which is merely a spacing mistake that alot of people make almost everytime)

Alda (who am I to call into question the entire Alda family?)

apptitude (that’s my bad…I don’t use that word very often. I will try to do better.)

In my defense, I did spell the following words correctly: additional, apparently, inspirational, submission. AND I wished you an evening full of unicorns and fairy dust…which unless you are allergic to one or both, seems pretty great. I don’t understand where this hostility is coming from. I thought we were becoming friends. I guess my only true friend is the Giant 47lb Rooster that brings me the illusion of love & self-confidence that only cheap red wine can.

By the way, our writing styles ARE very similar so there’s no way I could ever come off funnier than you. I hope that can be the first brick in the bridge over these troubled waters. I miss you already.

From: Lynn MacDonald <allfookedup@gmail.com>

To: Sarah Ross <sarahaross@noneofyourdamnbidness.com>

Sent: Thursday, September 29, 2011 7:29 PM

Subject: Re: In which you may be amused

Ok, my husband just said he “liked you alot “a lot”… hmm now he’s gonna dump me.  That’s might be one of the funniest emails ever.  Do you read 27bslash6 cuz you need to?  You’d be great…def start your blog.  One day a week we will just post our email exchanges.

Also, I might adopt you.  Are you young?  You seem to be…

It’s hard to spell aptitude correctly…you have to have apptitude to do so.  Or spellcheck, automatic on my emails!!!!!!

Also, Daniel says hi…he’s watching TV with me.  He’s not very funny…he just said screw you.

Oh, nope…he said that to me.  My bad

I already have a unicorn…save yours for someone who needs it.  Fairy dust is awesome though.

See ya girl…

On Sep 29, 2011, at 8:49 PM, Sarah Ross <sarahaross@noneofyourdamnbidness.com> wrote:

I have bad news. My phone hates you. I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do. Every time I try to reply from my phone, it either eats it, or sends it directly to the FBI. I’m not sure which.

Also, in unrelated news: he’s absolutely not going to dump you. You rock and he would miss the unicorn too much.

We are probably close to the same age, but I haven’t talked to my mom (who changed her number and didn’t tell me…but it’s not what it sounds like…or maybe it is) in a couple of months, so I’m down with adoption and also run on sentences. However, only on the condition that I get a rideable pony and a Malibu dreamhouse. Not the Barbie kind.

I’m totally psyched to start a blog now. It will be comprised (is that right?) completely of our email exchanges.

I’m going outside to watch my husband play with fire and dead animals. You should try it, it’s yummy. Unless you are a vegetarian (or vegan) which in that case, I was just kidding

 

On Sep 29, 2011, at 9:50 PM, Sarah Ross <sarahaross@noneofyourdamnbidness.com> wrote:

Dude, I totally forgot to hit spell check on that other one…my bad. I hope this doesn’t change things between us.

To: Sarah Ross <sarahaross@noneofyourdamnbidness.com>

Sent: Thursday, September 29, 2011 9:15 PM

Subject: Re: read this one before the other one

 Whoops…read the other one first.  As Kevin was flipping channels I saw that SPIKE TV had a show called iMPACT which must be a wrestling show by Apple I guess. BTW, Kevin is my husband.

Is that all my about me section says?  Hmmm…Well, you couldn’t have found me very long ago cuz I talk about myself ALL THE TIME on the blog.

So, I live in NC. Have 3 kids, 2 at Duke and one who is a senior in High School.  I’m 52…started blogging last year…kept blogging cuz my kids said I’d quit.  I paint and sculpt.  Don’t work.  After I was fired for the third time I decided to quit getting jobs if they were gonna keep firing me.

I blog for fun…I’ve met tons of people doing it.   I don’t monetize the blog …

That’s me…I constantly put my foot in my mouth.

Read in which it’s august 16th…that’s my one-year post :)

You’re going to be fun to feature!!!! A lot alot lots!!!!!!!!

Lynn

On Sep 29, 2011, at 10:50 PM, Sarah Ross

Re: read this before the other one

Ugh, I knew you would read the other one first! It’s like you don’t follow directions on purpose.

I’m sure that iMPACT is a new wrestling show by Apple. Everything is by Apple. Even Kevin.

Honestly, I found you this week. Can we still be friends? If not friends then mutual stalkers will have to do.

I do alot–oops a lot–of things because people say I won’t.

You can monetize me…I do need it.

I used to put my foot in my mouth often, but then I gained 20lbs and I’m not as flexible as I used to be.

I’m glad I seem young. Is 35 young? It’s the oldest I’ve ever been, so it feels old to me.

Did you like the “Alot”? I know you did. You don’t have to thank me. It’s ok, really.

By the way, I had seen some articles from 27bslash6 before…love it! And I knew I paid too much for that stupid CD player. Ugh.

So yeah, I kind of heart her.  And yesterday was her debut after which she sent me this!!!

On Oct 27, 2011, at 6:52 PM, Sarah Ross wrote:

Hi! Thanks for the guest post spot! Everyone was so nice and encouraging. Well, except for that one girl that continuously damned me…there’s one in every crowd. I would’ve felt threatened, but I had my pepper spray with me. Ok, it was a pepper shaker and some body spray…HOWEVER…it would have still been unpleasant. How the hell have you been?

Fyi: I saved this address to my contacts and in the “To:” box it auto-fills “All Up”. Apparently “Fooked” is your middle name. You may be able to use this to your advantage. See below.

HYPOTHETICAL CONVERSATION BETWEEN YOU AND KEVIN…or is it?

You: Kevin! Come look at this magnificent unicorn I have sculpted!

Kevin: That’s a beaver.

You: If by “beaver” you mean “magnificent unicorn” then you are right.

Kevin: That’s what I meant. Except for the unicorn part. This looks nothing like a unicorn.

You: Well…what do expect from someone who’s middle name is Fooked?

Well there you are!  That is part of our email exchange.  I find her to be quite hilarious and totally think she would make a great blogger…or at a minimum, a professional email writer.
What do you think?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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10 Comments

  1. Mrs. Dzo
    November 16, 2011

    Heart both of you…alot.

  2. Mrs. D-Zo
    November 16, 2011

    Heart both of you…alot a lot
    Mrs. D-Zo recently posted..Raining, Pouring, Overreacting…The UsualMy Profile

  3. Toni
    November 16, 2011

    OMG! I love both you and Sarah. Lynn, we should talk more often. I’d email you, but then you’d publish them, and I need the content for MY blog. But anyway, when I first saw the blog title, for some reason, I thought it said you “carpooled” with Sarah. (Give me a break, its early in the morning and my eyes don’t work so good yet, plus I’m on my phone and the print is all teeny tiny.)

    So I thought where are they going and not taking me along. But then you did, so it’s all good.

    P.S. There is no spellcheck on my phone when replying to blogs, so I don’t want to hear about whatever I fooked up.

  4. mara
    November 16, 2011

    having that in my inbox when I woke up started my day with rainbows, and yes unicorns and fairy dust.

  5. Pamela D Hart
    November 16, 2011

    ROFLOL! That was the funniest email exchange I ever read in which I wasn’t involved and it was perfectly LEGAL! Not that mine are funnier because I don’t have Unicorns or pixie dust…gotta get me some of those. You and Sarah MUST cough up where we humble readers can obtain them. Even if it’s only in our demented minds! ;-)
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..Protecting Children Is Everyone’s DutyMy Profile

  6. Julie
    November 16, 2011

    Hilarious (I looked that up in my Webster’s Pocket Spelling Dictionary” that never leaves my side because you BOTH now have me scared of spelling mistakes).

    Sadly, this confirms what I have long suspected. I’m not very funny.

  7. Amy
    November 16, 2011

    Love it!! I am so glad that I have found your Blog and now visit it daily (and not in a stalker way). I have thought about starting a blog, but the only material I have is a journal that my friends and I keep to write down things said at our Sunday Funday get togethers and mostly, those things are funny because we are drinking.

  8. Dawn Sticklen
    November 16, 2011

    My dad (AKA the computer guru of our family) tells me the spell check programs were created by someone who does not speak English as a first language. It makes me feel MUCH better about myself. Just thought I’d pass that little tidbit along to help make your day the way this post did mine. You can thank me later. Or now, whichever suits your fancy.

  9. Venus
    November 17, 2011

    Fucking awesome. Please do not ever find any other mode of communication. Don’t meet each other in person, don’t talk on the phone. I want you only ever to email to each other so that you can then post it and make me pee my pants, alot and everytime.

    Um, I could use a unicorn, too, but I’m not nearly as funny. I’m a little funny though. Could that get me a pony with a strap-on or something?

    Also, you’ve seriously set the bar this time. You must continue to stay this funny or your unicorn’s horn will fall off, and I won’t read your blog anymore (horrors!).

    Thanks,

    V

    P.S.: I don’t want to hear any excuses about having trouble attaching the strap-on to the pony. That shit’s easy, just stun the pony first.
    Venus recently posted..Harnessing the power of this series of tubesMy Profile

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