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In which i couldn’t cock it

My birthday was last week although since I have no idea when I’ll actually post this, I’ll let you know the day was June 20th.  I turned 52, which honestly, I’m not too thrilled about.  If you’ve read this blog at all, you know that I spend a fair amount of time describing how I need to be able to shoot a bow, preferably a crossbow, and learn other assorted skills to be ready for all sorts of calamities.

 

It’s not that I’ve joined the “apocalypse” bandwagon.  I’ve actually been like this forever.  If Kevin and I ever saw a story or a movie where a car went into the water I’d figure out what I’d do in that situation.  We would have conversations for hours on end about what I’d do if I were submerged in water, stuck in a cave, falling out of an airplane.  You get the gist.  These types of conversations drive Kevin nuts but being the awesome guy that he is, he always goes along with me on these various and sundry hypothetical scenarios.

 

As it turns out, apocalypse movies have become quite popular so I just continued my preparation and my skills training.  For a long time, I have bemoaned the fact that I wasn’t any good with weapons and have been asking for a “Crossbow.”  In fact, I wanted one for Mother’s Day and was decimated that I didn’t get one but instead received a Nerf Shotgun.

 

HOWEVER, yesterday Kevin called me up and we had this conversation:

 

Me:                  Hello?

 

Kevin:             I’m going to pick you up after work and I have a surprise for you.

 

Me:                  (first, I HATE surprises and second, I’ve already bought myself a week long sculpture class in California for my birthday so I wasn’t actually expecting anything) What? What are you talking about?

 

Kevin:             I have a surprise for you.

 

Me:                  OMG… are we going Skeet Shooting? (Another goal of mine)

 

Kevin:             No, I actually called about that though and they’re closed on Mondays.  (REALLY?)

 

Me:                  I hope you didn’t spend any money on me.  I really don’t deserve it.

 

Kevin:             Why don’t you deserve it?

 

Me:                  It’s already the “summer of Lynn” with all the shit I’m doing.  (Between two blogging conferences and this sculpture class)

 

Kevin:             HAHAHA…it’s like “the summer of George” (everything is a movie or Seinfeld reference in our house…it’s like another language)

 

Me:                  So, what are we doing?

 

Kevin:             It’s a surprise…I’ll be there soon.

 

So he comes home and picks me up and announces that he’s taking me to a hunting store so that I can shoot a crossbow.

 

Me:                  OMG!  I can’t believe it.  Am I really going to shoot a crossbow?

 

Kevin:             Yeah, but this is a hunting store and they think you’re looking at bows for deer hunting?

 

Me:                  Deer hunting?

 

Kevin:             Yeah, so you need to play along with the guy.

 

Me:                  So, if he says “what do you think you’ll be shooting” I shouldn’t say ORCS!

 

Kevin:             hahaha…no, probably not.

 

Me:                  … or human beings (as we are going to have a Family Hunger Games in my house and make alliances and kill each other … ummmm … in theory)

 

Kevin:             No, definitely not.

 

Me:                  Ok, so I just act like I’m going to be an incredible huntress.

 

Kevin:             … something like that …

 

Me:                  OK, that might be difficult since I’ve already written a post about how I’m a gatherer but I’ll wing it.

 

So we arrive and walk into this hunting store the likes of which I’ve never seen and we go back to the corner where there’s all these deer heads hanging and stuff.  There’s all these camouflaged crossbows so I guess the deer don’t realize that this is a “hunting” scenario when they see the bows. (At least, I assume that’s why the bows are camouflaged)

 

Kevin introduces himself and we go back into the trial room with this wicked looking crossbow.  The guy explains the how the bow works (which looks like a funky gun) and teaches me how to cock it and explains to NEVER put my finger up here because I’ll cut it off (yeah, I’m actually freaking a little now).

I just couldn't cock it!

So, he gives me the bow and I try to cock it.  And I try again.  And I try harder and DAMN, I can’t even cock the damn thing.  It’s harder than hell to cock this fucking crossbow.  I CAN’T DO IT.  The guy takes the bow and goes and gets a smaller, more pussy bow.  He explains that perhaps I’m not tall enough (although I’m pretty sure the guy thought I was a huge pussy but actually I’m pretty damn strong).

 

So he comes back with the newer, less difficult bow and I cock it and aim it and DAMN, BULLSEYE!  It’s true…I hit the bull’s-eye.

So, I cock it again and I aim and I have my face to near the gun and it jerks back and bashes my cheek in and I’m all like “you know what, I’m not sure that I’m a crossbow type of gal.”

 

Kevin:             Really?  I thought you’d love a crossbow.

 

Me:                  It’s heavy as shit and it doesn’t seem all that sporting with the scope and all that and it’s pretty damn difficult to cock.  I think I’d like to try the compound bow.

 

So the guy goes and gets the compound bow and comes back and explains how that works and you know what, drawing that is pretty damn difficult too.  This entire thing is unbelievable.

Me:                  I’m going to shoot it right there.  Let’s see how I do.

 

Kevin:             Ok, let me get a picture to document this.

 

Me:                  Sweet…look at that shot.  I’m going to try it again.

 

Sales guy:       Remember that it hasn’t been sighted completely so it might not be accurate.

 

Me:                  I’m going to aim for my first arrow and I’ll probably split it down the center like Robin Hood always does.

 

So I fire the bow and guess what?  I hit about two inches from the first arrow.  I mean I’m AWESOME at this.  I’m totally stoked and Kevin wants to know if I want to BUY the bow but honestly, I think I should go take some lessons and see if I get bored before we actually spend any money on such a stupid, random idea.

 

So I’m incredibly excited and we go to dinner and discuss the bow.

Me:                  You know, those bows look like major weapons.

 

Kevin              They are, what did you think they’d look like?

 

Me:                  I thought they’d look like that bow Legolas had.

 

Kevin:             I don’t think they actually sell Elf bows around here Lynn.

 

Me:                  I wonder why not?

 

Kevin:             Maybe because there aren’t actually any elves around here.

 

Me:                  Jeez…you act like elves aren’t real Kevin.

 

… and then we cracked up …

 

So that was my birthday.  Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

 

Stay tuned for when I FINALLY get to go Skeet Shooting.  I NEVER have any fun around here.

 

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17 Comments

  1. Katja Brown
    June 27, 2011

    I think you were too busy admiring Orlando Bloom as Legolas in the Lord of the Ring movies to actually notice what weapon he was carrying!

    BTW, since this is already the “summer of Lynn” and you’ve spend a ton of money on the sculpture class and the two blogging conferences, maybe you should look into living social to realize your dream about skeet shooting. I just bought this certificate from Living Social for half off the regular price: “One Round of Sporting Clays, Gun Rental, Ammo, and Protective Ear and Eyewear at Shane’s Sporting Clays”

    • Lynn
      June 27, 2011

      Wait! What is Living Social? I never even heard of it.

      • Katja Brown
        June 27, 2011

        Have you heard of Groupon? Same deal! You get daily offers that include massages, restaurant offers, classes (for example I took a glass tile class), hotels (we booked the Blake hotel in Charlotte through a Living Social deal), etc. However, you have to react quick because the deals are usually only offered for a day!

        • Lynn
          June 27, 2011

          oh…i don’t do stuff like that

  2. FranceRants
    June 27, 2011

    i dunno…that bow sure looks like it has a ton of accessories…

    just don’t accidentally shoot yourself in the foot, or driver who you think take a long time at the McDonald’s….

    • Lynn
      June 27, 2011

      the bow’s were awesome, albeit a little scary in how dangerous they seemed. Also, i had flip flops on which was stupid but i didn’t know what we were going to do…i would’ve shot you in line at Mickie D’s for sho.

  3. I’m impressed that you didn’t accidentally shoot the store employee, or Kevin, or even yourself. With the size of that “trial room”, I had visions of ricocheted arrows bouncing everywhere and people ducking for cover screaming, “It’s the Zombie Apocalypse!”

    But seriously, looking forward to your skeet shooting. I’ve never done that either.

    • Lynn
      June 27, 2011

      i was very careful to make sure they were behind me and completely shocked at how powerful those things were….

      I’m tots ready for the apocalypse although i’m pretty sure it will suck as you know

  4. Sue
    June 27, 2011

    This is a test comment. Please reply to it.

    • Lynn
      June 27, 2011

      this is working…it’s the people who subscribe by email. some of the addresses that aren’t “normal” don’t work for some reason

      • Name *
        June 27, 2011

        What is “normal” or “not normal” about email addresses? Theirs, specifically.

  5. Jenn
    June 27, 2011

    Ah, what a sweet thing for Kevin to do. Yes, I do realize that I called him sweet for taking you to shoot a crossbow but it is what you WANTED to do so that makes it sweet!

    • Lynn
      June 27, 2011

      i know…i don’t need things…just fun stuff to do sometimes. It was AWESOME

  6. Pamela D Hart
    June 27, 2011

    You’re a real Athena! Ready to defend us for the upcoming doom!

    My hubby has a compound bow and it’s too big for me, too, but I have yet to get my own sissy one. Probably because my friggin “wish” list is like as long as my arm. But that’s okay, he’s sending my son and me to San Diego and Seattle and then I get to go to Boston to see a friend by myself! Aren’t hubby’s great!

    And Happy Belated Birthday! Don’t fret about age, it’s only a number and it sounds like you are living life to the fullest! ;-)

    • Lynn
      June 27, 2011

      Well, i do try to keep myself entertained…often at the expense of the people around me!

  7. Liz
    June 27, 2011

    Um, a blog conference version of Hunger Games ever breaks out, I’m so on your team.

    • Lynn
      June 27, 2011

      hahaha…we would KILL at a blogger conference. Umm..literally

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