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In which i describe Passover

I can’t write.  I’ve tried; I just can’t.  It’s not like nothing funny has happened; it’s my life so of course it has.  Just last night I had Passover (a day early but whatever) at my house with 16 people and honestly, the entire Seder and meal was one large joke.  Between all my kids, their cousins, and the many friends they bring home from Duke it’s a very unruly crowd.

 

Then you throw in Kevin, admittedly not a Jew, but honestly the biggest instigator of the bunch and what you really have is mayhem.  Trust me, Moses had it easy dealing with the Pharaoh and the Jews compared to the crap I was dealing with.

 

First of all, I spent about 4 days preparing for the Seder; cooking the food, getting the drinks, setting the table, you get the picture.  Then I finally get people into the dining room and all the kids start bitching because they all want to sit together with my childish husband stuck in the middle.

 

Keely took charge and basically shoved people wherever she felt like it.  There was much rejoicing … NOT.  At any rate, after Andie abandoned me and moved to sit with all the kids, Keely had the nerve to tell me “how come even though we’re older we always end up with a children’s table?”

 

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?  “Keely, you were the one who handled the seating arrangements” I said, “I was in the kitchen getting the wine!”  Unbelievable.  So, my older brother takes charge and begins the Seder.  First, there was much scolding going on because who could hear Brad when there were so many stupid conversations going on to my right.

 

Now don’t get me wrong; I don’t actually give a shit about the Seder and simply do it to a) assuage the guilt my dead mother would place in my head and b) use it as an occasion to get my family together.  The downside is that I have to do all the cooking and trust me; it’s a hell of a lot of cooking.

 

At any rate, we’re reading the Seder and you would think these kids never learned to read before.  Technically when it says the word “GROUP” it means everybody read in unison but I’m pretty sure that somebody over at the “young peoples” area was fucking with me because I think they were doing a round; you know, like in “Row, Row, Row your boat.”  I say this because it was about as awful as you could be and certainly, since all these kids were in kindergarten I’ve never heard such a lack of precision.

 

So, Brad was getting frustrated and then Keely and Kevin decided it was time for their ANNUAL HORSERADISH EATING COMPETITION.  See, Kevin will compete in anything and Keely always refuses to back down.  Basically, I have two jack asses; one whom I married and one whom I spawned.  Their goal is to see who will chicken out first on eating copious amounts of horseradish.

 

Keely called earlier to make sure I had gotten enough.

 

Keely:             Mom, did you remember to get horseradish?

 

Me:                  Yes Keely, I have two bottles.

 

Keely:             Well, that’s not going to be enough…Dad and I will need a bottle just for ourselves and our competition.

 

Me:                  It’s going to be enough Keely. (it was by the way)

 

Keely:             Where is dad? Does he know I’m going to beat him?

 

Me:                  He’s mowing the lawn and he’s already informed me that he’s going to beat you.

 

Keely:             I beat him last year and I’ll beat him again this year.

 

Me:                  Ok Keely, I’ll let him know.  Anything else?

 

Keely:             No, I just called to make sure about the horseradish.

 

As you can see, we’re all full of religious fervor at this house.

 

So, Keely smears literally one inch of horseradish on her matzo and Kevin dares her to eat it and so she does.  Then I say to her:

 

Me:                  Oh by the way Keely, I bought EXTRA HOT Horseradish this year.

 

Keely can’t respond because she’s over there crying…YEP CRYING.  Everybody else is also bitching because indeed, EXTRA HOT horseradish is actually hotter than hell.

 

At this point, we were approaching the Four Questions and there was a huge breakdown in the behavior at the table; I realize that this is difficult to imagine since I’ve previously been describing the “good” behavior at the table.

 

We managed to power through the Seder in about 45 minutes to the point that somehow, we forgot the Charoses, which is honestly, one of the tastiest things a Jew ever came up with.  We went back and ate the Charoses with our matzo and then we proceeded directly to the dinner.

 

That, by the way, was four Briskets that I had made during the previous few days.  So yeah, I spend days and days cooking for this meal, which apparently nobody takes seriously except my parents who, by the way, are dead and are only represented by lighting Yarzeit candles.  So that was my Passover, how was yours?

 

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14 Comments

  1. Lady Estrogen
    April 20, 2011

    I hope you enjoyed those Briskets that I was sooo drooling over ;)
    And… HORSERADISH EATING COMPETITION? And you thought I was nuts.

    • Lynn
      April 20, 2011

      The briskets were amazing…I don’t participate in the horseradish thing. I’m surrounded by idiots. True fact!

  2. Jayme (Random Blogette)
    April 20, 2011

    I love that you bought the extra hot horseradish! I made a brisket once for my Jewish husband and it was horrible. One of these days this shiksa is going to make a good one. I just need to keep practicing! I can’t imagine having to make 4 Briskets! And I totally agree, the Charoses is the tastiest thing! My in-laws live 3 hours away so it is rare that we get to share Passover. I miss it. Well, the food that is!

    • Lynn
      April 20, 2011

      hahaha…i did it to spite them. Brisket is easy…even i can’t ruin it and i really don’t cook

  3. Pamela D Hart
    April 20, 2011

    I’m thinking your Wild-Hotter-Than-Hell-Horseradish-Sauce-Competing brood and my Crazy-Catholic-Born-Again-Half-Jewish-Atheist brood would all mingle together quite well!
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..My Slap ListMy Profile

    • Lynn
      April 20, 2011

      My family is so out-of-hand that i was actually beginning to get aggravated. I didn’t use to but now i have to cook all this shit, you know?

      • Pamela D Hart
        April 20, 2011

        Oh I know. That’s why we go to a restaurant now…you’re sorta forced to behave in public.

        • Lynn
          April 20, 2011

          Yeah…my mom probably rolls over in her grave

  4. liz
    April 20, 2011

    Leave it to your family to celebrate Passover with a horseradish eating contest!

    • Lynn
      April 20, 2011

      Hahaha…I know!!! Idiots

  5. Theresa Sonoda
    April 21, 2011

    Hi Lynn…..Don’t do Passover here. In fact, this year is the first time I ever heard about some of the traditions/practices, and it’s because of all you cool Jewish folk blogging about it. Very interesting, and of course, you make it funny. Love the ‘extra hot horse radish’. You are a rascal! Thanks for sharing your day with us. Now pass me some brisket. YUM

    • Lynn
      April 21, 2011

      hahaha…the brisket was most excellent!

  6. Jack @ TheJackB
    April 24, 2011

    I never get tired of brisket and the apple matza kugel is freaking awesome. Love this holiday.
    Jack @ TheJackB recently posted..Know Your Own WorthMy Profile

    • Lynn
      April 25, 2011

      Hahaha…well, the food was good but the behavior was NOT

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