This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i develop a show

So this is typical.   After racing to Pilates and then racing home, then racing through a shower and getting dressed up for an appointment, I sat down at my computer to write a post.  First, I thought I should check my emails where I discovered that my appointment was, you guessed it, TOMORROW at 11:30.

 

 

Unbelievable!  I think I’ve explained before that my daily outfit is leggings, a t-shirt and a sweatshirt so actually looking nice is, in my opinion, a gigantic hassle.  Ironically enough, the appointment tomorrow is to go look at the Worth Clothing line which is coincidentally, nice clothing.  So I was going to shower and look nice to go try on nice clothing…which is all anathema to me but the person selling the clothing is a friend of mine.

 

 

Upon discovering this huge mix up, I stood up and ran to my room and began stripping out of my jeans and cute shirt when I realized that Daniel had his first lacrosse game today.  I could go to the game looking decent and wouldn’t that SHOCK the hell out of all the other parents?  Then the quandary was out there:  do I look nice for 8 hours just to shock people or do I just go back to my normal sloppy self?

 

 

Now all you people can’t answer because the ones that I’ve actually met that aren’t from my real life, I was dressed up to meet.  So you probably can’t imagine what a slob I am and I would probably need a guest poster to describe that.

 

 

So now I’m at the computer trying to remember what I was going to originally write about.  I’m thinking… I’m thinking.  I got it!  On the way to Pilates, I was talking to my friend Robin on the phone.  Robin and I always have the BEST phone calls because I love to discuss stupid shit and she willingly goes down the road with me.  (She’s the one that I had that fantastic “take a Hooker to lunch” conversation with a while back . Haven’t read that one yet?  Why not?)  Here’s the conversation and by the way, it’s incredibly politically incorrect so if you get offended, get the hell away from this post and don’t read it.

 

 

Robin:                  “So, you were great on Friday (at my standup)!  Do you think that’s something you want to do again?”

 

 

Me:                       “Thanks.  I really appreciate you coming but no, I don’t think I’ll ever do it again.”

 

 

Robin:                  “Why not?  You were really relaxed although I wish you had told that circumcision story.”

 

 

Me:                       “I was pretty relaxed but after watching the guys who came before and after me I realized something.”

 

 

Robin:                  “What?”

 

 

Me:                       “Well, they tell their routine so many times that it’s honed down so it flows and its perfect.  That must take SOOO much repetition and practice and I was already bored telling stories that I already knew.”

 

 

Robin:                  “Yeah, I could see that you wouldn’t like that”

 

 

Me:                       “I feel like the best parts were when I was just rambling and making comments even in the middle of my stories…I actually enjoyed that part”

 

 

Robin:                  “That’s true…I think you do best just off the cuff”

 

 

Me:                       “What I would really love to do is to be on a show with a few other funny people where you just talk shit about stuff.”

 

 

Robin:                  “Yeah, like when we discussed Noah’s ark the other day”

 

 

Me:                       “Exactly.  I could have a show with you because that was a hilarious conversation.  I’ve actually come up with three ideas for shows now and I could start my own network.  People love to watch crap on TV.  I mean, look at all those Real Housewives shows”

 

 

Robin:                  “We could have a show, “Real Housewives of Guilford County”

 

 

Me:                       “… or even better, how about this “Real Housewives of the Appalachias?”

 

 

Robin:                  “OMG…could you imagine?”

 

 

Me:                       “We’ll get a Hatfield and a McCoy and they’ll hate each other.”

 

 

Robin:                  “Hahaha…that’s great…and we could show their lives”

 

 

Me:                       “… for example:  ‘Honey, what’s for dinner tonight?’ and then the wife says ‘Oh, could you go out and shoot us a squirrel.  I’m starving’ …”

 

 

Robin:                  “Hahaha”

 

 

Me:                       “… and try to find one that just ate some nuts so it’s stuffed”

 

 

Robin:                  “that’s hilarious, can you imagine that show?”

 

 

Me:                       “Honey, guess what…I got us a new broke down washer to put in our front yard”

 

 

Robin:                  “Honey…which couch should we put on the front porch today?”

 

 

Me:                       “Hmm.. which cousin should I sleep with today?”

 

 

Robin:                  “Hahaha…I can see it now…it would be a huge hit”

 

 

Me:                       “It could be construed as politically incorrect”

 

 

Robin:                  “Well, that’s certainly possible…but it would be funny”

 

 

Me:                       “Oh shit, I’m at the gym…I gotta go, we’ll figure out the details later…”

 

 

So, what do you think?  This idea is only the tip of the iceberg and I have millions.  Should I go for it?  Would you watch it?

 

 

Let me know cuz I’m on a roll!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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23 Comments

  1. Leighann
    March 3, 2011

    I’m not even kidding when I say this.

    My husband came home yesterday, he told me he’d finally gotten rid of the old washer in out backyard.
    But?
    He dropped off a freezer.
    To use as a garbage holder.

    Great.

    • Lynn
      March 3, 2011

      hahaha..that is too, too funny. My husband said “you’re going to piss a lot of people of with this post” and i said “whatever”. I like to have inappropriate conversations, what can i say?

  2. tucker
    March 3, 2011

    They already make that show, it’s called COPS

    LOL

    • Lynn
      March 3, 2011

      really? i’ve never actually seen a show like that..hahaha

  3. Lady Estrogen
    March 3, 2011

    Too bad Cletus & Brandine from the Simpsons aren’t really people – they would be perfect ;)

    • Lynn
      March 3, 2011

      hahaha…i know, right?

  4. By Word of Mouth Musings
    March 3, 2011

    Love that you were all dressed up to meet us, feel all kinds of special :)

    • Lynn
      March 3, 2011

      Yeah, you should because I’m mostly a slob!!!

  5. Name *
    March 3, 2011

    I have visited eastern Kentucky and was puzzled by the yards full of STUFF! They save everything cuz it’s too far to go to a store!
    I would watch your show. I would watch you just talk, you are hilarious Lynn!
    Bernice
    4 ways to be like the energizer bunny

    • Lynn
      March 3, 2011

      hahaha…thanks. i appreciate it…i’m not sure that i could be on the show!

  6. Karen
    March 3, 2011

    I already know some people like that…they’re called my next door neighbors! Grew up in redneck country, broken down cars in the front yard – you name it! I would SO watch that show! Gotta watch out tho, those Appalaicha women ain’t no joke! They’ll pull out a shotgun and shoot each other with buckshot in a hot minute!
    Love the Guilford County idea too, course that might be a little too close to home for me since I live there….might have to think about that one…

    • Lynn
      March 3, 2011

      hahaha…i know, i saw Winters Bone! Those women could kick my ass…

  7. Alexandra
    March 4, 2011

    You know my answer, Lynn. DO IT.

    • Lynn
      March 4, 2011

      hahaha…that’s funny…i actually already have a different show in mind

  8. Kathykate
    March 4, 2011

    yeah, the show. kinda my childhood — except middle class version of auto hoarders. I remember begging my dad to hide the front end loader in the back yard before my homecoming date showed up. And he was a math professor.

    BUT ABOUT DRESSING UP FOR LAX GAMES: Fuck those parents. had a mom tell me (when I came from mtg to lax and was wearing, you know, grownup clothes and lipstick) “Had no idea you were so pretty!”
    screw em.

    • Lynn
      March 4, 2011

      hahaha…the old “you clean up real good” line. I get it all the time!

  9. Pixi
    March 5, 2011

    I want to see this show! It’s brilliant. Doesn’t even exist yet & in high demand. lol

    • Lynn
      March 5, 2011

      Hahaha..can you imagine it? And to think I thought this post would be offensive!

  10. FranceRants
    March 5, 2011

    Plus, you could do an entire segment on how to decorate a shack, including window coverings made from plastic Walmart bags.

    • Lynn
      March 5, 2011

      That’s a good point HOWEVER, I wasn’t actually including myself in the show. I live in a city you know?

  11. The Batty Broad
    April 16, 2011

    Hill Billies are scary. Have you seen “Winters Bone”? Inbreds are not the people to mess with. You could end up kidnapped and kept as someone’s “wife”! I have one word for you – Deliverance. It would be hilarious though. Ha

    • Lynn
      April 17, 2011

      I did see Winters Bone and yeah, pretty damn scary!

  12. Katja Brown
    May 15, 2011

    Real Housewives of Guilford County??? Love it! BTW, where can I find the “take a Hooker to lunch” story?

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