This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i didn’t see a moose

Dragonfly

Oh my god!  I haven’t worked out in a week and I almost died in my Pilates class.  It’s ridiculous how this exercise stuff doesn’t last.  The instructor made us end with wall sits and I was about to collapse after about 15 seconds.  This staying in shape shit is for the birds.   I was in Vermont so that’s why I didn’t work out for the past week but I’m getting ready to travel to California and I can’t imagine what I’ll look like by the end of that trip.  Probably an eggplant.

 

At any rate, I was in Vermont and I thought I should share some of the awesome experiences and conversations that I had up there.  Of course, I can’t remember most of them but suffice it to say that I was hilarious and basically spent the entire 4 days being mean to Kevin’s family.  Now don’t panic.  Mean in a funny , teasing and yet still mean way. Not in a mean YOU SUCK kind of way.

 

I asked Daniel to take notes but he refused.  In fact, he said “Mom, there’s NO WAY that I’m helping you with your blog” so I’m just going to have to use the few notes that I wrote down and wing the rest of it so bear with me.  Or don’t.   Your choice I suppose.

 

We arrived on Thursday and of course, everyone was thrilled to see us.  Oh, by the way, it was Kevin (my husband who’s family this way), Daniel (my son) and myself.  We were visiting my mother and father-in-law Allison and John MacDonald.  Also starring in this weekend was my brother-in-law Scott and my other brother-in-law David.  So, you got it?  Kevin, Lynn (me), Daniel, Allison, John, Scott and David.

 

Others will enter into the equation later.  So we got there on Thursday and since that was the day everyone was arriving nothing eventful happened.  The good times started on Friday morning when Allison walked in to the living room and said:

 

Allison:            Everybody follow me into my bathroom

 

Me:                    Why?

 

Allison:            Because if you ever wanted to see the underside of a dragon fly, now’s your chance!

 

What? Who doesn’t want to see that? So we all follow Allison onto the bathroom and there on the screen of the bathroom is a dragon fly, just chilling.  So I decided to take a picture so you guys could see the type of awesome exciting stuff we do when we are in Vermont.

 

Can’t wait to share the rest of the visit with you.

 

Oh god, she just mentioned the word genealogy.  I gotta go kill myself.  Oops…she’s still talking. She’s reading some article about something.  It’s only Friday and I’m going home Sunday.  I’ll never make it!

 

On Friday afternoon Kevin, Daniel, myself, Scott, David and my two nephews Michael and James went up to Bromley Ski area to do the Alpine Slide.  Have you ever done an alpine slide?  YOU TOTALLY NEED TO.  It’s like a water slide except you take a chair lift to the top, get on a little sled and go down the mountain in a chute.

 

There are three tracks.  One for pussies, one for intermediate and one for advanced.  We did the advanced.  Now, it was me and 6 guys so my husband (basically an immature guy himself), James, Michael and Daniel broke all the rules by bunching up and then smashing into each other while going a billion miles per hour down a mountain.  The end result? They got in trouble and Daniel wiped out and ended up bleeding in about ten different places; plus he tore his shirt.

 

I meanwhile, had been behind a slowpoke, but I complained and then they comped the entire bunch of us to a free ride.  So that was a load of fun.  I always feel pretty awesome doing this but I can’t keep up with the boys.   As James said, “we have nothing to live for” so they are just crazy on this thing, which could explain why on the second visit in a row, we were kicked off the mountain.

 

That night was a family whiffle ball game where I was the only female that played.  Yeah, I know I rock.  I also spent the day with my nephew (is that what my nieces kid is called?) Colden who loves Thomas the Tank engine.  I explained to him that all cars have faces on them too and they could be found by peaking under the grill.  Then Daniel yelled at me for fucking with a little kid’s head and now Colden can be seen peaking under all the cars grills in Vermont.  Please don’t run over him.

 

The next day was the FAMILY REUNION somewhere near Woodstock, Vermont.  I was driving with Daniel as my navigator.  Scott and David were with me and Kevin drove his parents.  Here’s what I learned on the 2 ½ hour drive up there.

 

Scott:              Lynn, that is the type of habitat where you’ll see moose’s.

Me:                 I don’t see any moose’s.

Scott:              Well, if there were moose’s around you’d see them there.

Me:                 Why there?

Scott:              They like marshy land.

David:             You’ll find them where you find beavers.

Me:                 So moose’s are sex addicts because they like beavers.

HUGE SILENCE IN THE CAR.

Daniel:            Mom, behave yourself

Me:                 I have been to Vermont a million times and I HAVE NEVER seen a moose.  I don’t believe they exist.

Scott:              Oh, they exist.

Me:                 Daniel, write this interesting fact about moose’s and marshes down for my blog.

Daniel:            I’m not helping your blog mom.

NOTE TO READERS:  I HATE MY CHILDREN

Me:                 I don’t see any there (pointing to a mountain and referring to moose’s)

Scott:              I told you they liked marshy areas

Me:                 How about there? (Pointing to a meadow)

Scott:              They like marshes.

Daniel:            Mom, stop being mean to everyone.

David:             … and quit speeding.  There are lots of speed traps.

Me:                 I NEVER get tickets.  Don’t worry about it.

Scott:              You should listen to David.

Me:                 Daniel, write down that Scott just said listen to David for my blog.

Daniel:            I’m the navigator. I’m busy.

David:             This is one of the most scenic routes in Vermont.

Scott:              Charles Kuralt said that “Woodstock” is one of the most beautiful towns in America in October.

Me:                 Daniel, write that down for the blog as interesting fact #101,100.

Daniel:            No mom.

David:             Lynn, slow down.

Me:                 I never get tickets.

Daniel:            Don’t forget Dad, grandma and grandpa are following us.

Me:                 Oh my god.  Look at that fur coat at that yard sale.  We gotta get that for you Daniel.

Daniel:            I could wear it in my senior picture. With a coonskin hat.

Me:                 That coat was awesome, floorlength and down to the ground.  You could be a Vermont mountain man.  We’ll buy it on the way home.

Daniel:            Excellent.  Take a right up here.

David:             Lynn, slow down.  There are cops here.

Me:                 What David?

David:             I said … oh, there’s a cop.

Me:                 Oh shit! I’m way over the speed limit.

Scott:              He’s turning around.

Me:                 Fuck, I’m going to get a ticket.

Daniel:            Oh my god, he just pulled Dad.

Me:                 hahahaha (Kevin always gets tickets and I haven’t gotten one in about 30 someodd years)

So I turn around and go back and get out of the car and walk up to the cop and say:

Me:                 Please give me the ticket.  It wasn’t his fault as he was just following me.

Cop:               It doesn’t work that way maam.  Just go back to your vehicle.

Me:                 Your father is going to kill me for getting him a ticket going 21 mph over the speed limit.

And then we continue on our trek to the middle of nowhere in Vermont.

Scott:              That’s Calvin Coolidge’s home.  He was a president of the United States.

Me:                 Thank you for the history lesson Scott.  Daniel, write that fact down for my blog.

Daniel:            Mom, I’m not helping you with your blog.

Me:                 God you’re an awful child

Daniel:            YOU just got dad a speeding ticket.

Me:                 Well, he shouldn’t have gotten caught.

Scott:              This is Woodstock and that’s one of the Rockefellers homes.

Me:                 Daniel, write that fact down.

Daniel:            Mom

Me:                 Hey Scott, is that a moose habitat?

Hahaha…so there you are.  Good times in Vermont.  I won’t even go into the family reunion but didn’t you like my educational drive.  And by the way, I never saw a moose but I DID SEE a moose habitat.  Many in fact.

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14 Comments

  1. aunt Ellen
    July 19, 2011

    Will you still be writing your blog when you come to our family reunion next year? Should I cross you off the list of invitees? Ya know I’m getting old —you will need to be VERY nice to me.

    • Lynn
      July 19, 2011

      hmmm…i don’t know if i’ll still be writing the blog. we shall see. when is the Reunion. I need to put it on my calendar. For real this time

  2. Trinh
    July 19, 2011

    Love the ticket story….I, too, am know as Teflon Trinh when it comes to driving and cops!! We must be from the same branch of the crazy tree. I’ll look out for my next family reunion invite.

    • Lynn
      July 19, 2011

      hey, are you going to be at the LAX tournament this weekend? i need someone to hang out with.

  3. Trinh
    July 19, 2011

    Yep. Burke and I are looking forward to the gentle melt of the blistering NC sunshine! We’re leaving friday night.

    • Lynn
      July 19, 2011

      gentle melt…i wish. I’ll be down on Saturday

  4. Lady Estrogen
    July 19, 2011

    I would love to do a road trip with you.
    And?
    I would write it down.
    I’d be a way better offspring.

    • Lynn
      July 19, 2011

      Way better…let’s do it!!! He took no notes whatsoever

  5. Jessica
    July 19, 2011

    Dragonfly geneology, sex-addicted Moose, pussie tracks on the alpnie slide, and the history of Woodstock–WTF Daniel how can you not take notes? You are right Lynn, worst kid ever (lol just kidding you family is priceless!).

    Oh and nice touch on the ‘cars have faces’ story. You know you are going to be held fully responsible when that kid gets caught playing in the middle of the highway (wait do they have those in Woodstock, VT?) looking for Thomas the Tank engine and the rest of his pals ;-)

    Sounds like it was an action packed, educational trip!

    • Lynn
      July 19, 2011

      Wow…after reading your summary i realize that it was quite a trip!

  6. Name *
    July 20, 2011

    ‘So moose’s are sex addicts because they like beavers….’ hahaha that’s really funny. I’d loved to’ve seen the look on their faces. By the way, the reason you don’t spot a moose easily in its natural habitat is because the are always in jungle camouflage, or so I’m told in that bar I always go to and drink a lot… I’m also actually too tired to read anything because you see just like you I’m trying to stay in shape and a couple of hours ago decided it sounded like a good idea to go running 8 miles. Don’t do it, Lynn, it’s a bad bad bad idea. I’m off now … gotta take one serious nap.

    :)

    • Lynn
      July 20, 2011

      i would NEVER go running. i absolutely hate it. I would like to see the look on a moose’s face. Oh, you mean on my brother-in-laws faces? hahaha

      • RCB
        July 21, 2011

        Lynn I was so tired – and I can barely walk today because of all that well-deserved muscle ache – that I even forgot to type my name. How about that? So yeah, don’t go running or you’ll feel like me. Luckily I don’t need my legs to type all of this :)

        P.S. Yes, I meant the look on your fellow-travelers’ faces…

        • Lynn
          July 21, 2011

          Hahaha…I never run. EVER

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