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In which i discuss house gnomes

 Authors Note:  I wrote this a while ago but never posted it.  Now I am so deal with the timing…or don’t

It’s 8:30 and I was just sitting on the couch when my friend Robin called and said “where have you been?”  The reason she asked this is that normally by 8:15 I’m on the way to go work out and we have a little chat to check in about what’s going on.  I haven’t talked to her since before Christmas.  I explained that I had been sick and I hadn’t been going to work out.  She said “oh, I would have brought you some of my Christmas leftovers and taken care of you if I had known.”  I said “You would have known if you hadn’t been in ASPEN skiing that week.”  “Oh yeah” was the reply. 

So then she asked what’s been going on and I replied that I was ready for my two college-aged daughters to return to school. 
“Are they driving you crazy” she asked

It’s not that. It’s my house.  It looks like a nuclear device went off in it.  Even though each kid has their own room, their own cubby, their own hooks and their own spot for shoes, shit is everywhere in my house.  As I sit here on the couch I see Daniels’ jacket, Keely’s sweatshirt and the book Andie was reading yesterday.  Blankets are everywhere, the couch looks like a walrus was laying on it and the pillows are askew.  In short, it’s a fucking mess in here.

I can also see the kitchen table and there’s Keely’s pocketbook and on the floor are Andie’s Uggs.  Stuff is everywhere.  And yet, every time I pick it up within the hour it looks the exact same again.  I could pick everything up at night and when I came out in the morning, it looks like the house exploded.

She said, “I know.  When Madison came home she was living out of her suitcase and now she’s living out of her laundry basket.”

“Yeah”, I replied “my kids won’t even carry their stuff upstairs.  They just go in the laundry room and change clothes and leave everything else down here.  My housekeeper complained that their laundry baskets are overflowing and yet, they won’t take them up and put the clothes away.”

What I don’t understand is how no matter how much I clean up everything is always back where it started.  They just drop it all over again.  At this point my friend said to me, “maybe it’s the clothes themselves. Maybe things want to stay out and they just put themselves back out.”

“Hmmm” I responded, “like the clothes themselves are lonely and want to be where the party is! The kids do deny that they have anything to do with it.”

“Or maybe, you have a house gnome!  Like Dobby in Harry Potter!” my friend replied.

After pondering this for a minute I agreed. “Yeah, every night he puts all the coats all over the countertops and tables, unfolds the blankets in the family room and throws them about and messes up the cushions and then he goes into the dryer and takes one of every pair of socks and hides them so eventually, no one has any pairs of socks left.”

Well that could explain the condition of the house because there’s no way my kids would treat my house like shit, ya know?  I mean, they’ve been brought up with TOTAL RESPECT and would never expect their mother to follow behind and clean up after them.  At least that’s the only explanation I can come up with.  What do you think?

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16 Comments

  1. Galit Breen
    March 2, 2011

    Oh GF, my kids are little and Dobby visits us, too- all the freakin’ time! I hope everything’s all tidied up now. For the record: At my house, it’s so not! :)

    • Lynn
      March 2, 2011

      it’s not tidied up but thank god my kids went back to college. it’s much better with only three of us in the house…and two pets i suppose

  2. Jessica
    March 2, 2011

    My house is usually a disaster. Right now there are toys all over the floor, beds unmade, jackets draped over the furniture… It’s a mess. I don’t really know why this always happen and I don’t feel like figuring out the reason to correct it. The only time the house really gets picked up is every other Sunday night, which is the day before the housekeeper comes.

    • Lynn
      March 2, 2011

      My house was actually neater when my kids were younger than it is now that they’re older. They have more stuff and they don’t stay in one room.

  3. Lady Estrogen
    March 2, 2011

    I don’t know who’s worse, me, hubby, kids or dogs. It’s all 1 big disaster.

    • Lynn
      March 2, 2011

      well, i KNOW it’s not me…or my dog. It’s definitely my husband and kids

  4. Diane
    March 2, 2011

    I must have house gnomes too. With 2 teenage girls and 3 dogs my house always looks like an episode of Cops!

    • Lynn
      March 2, 2011

      yeah, those girls are BAD…hahaha, an episode of COPS

  5. Theresa Sonoda
    March 2, 2011

    I vote for the gnome. It’s the only possible explanation. If you say your kids wouldn’t do that, then who am I to question you? It was unequivocally……the gnome.

    Or do you drink wine and have visions?

    :-P

    • Lynn
      March 2, 2011

      Actually, i don’t really drink much wine so the only reasonable explanation is the house gnome thing. Visions? hmmm…i’ll have to think about that.

  6. Kimberly
    March 2, 2011

    OMG…that’s how the dirty socks get stuffed in the couch cushions. It’s the damn house gnome. It needs to be eradicated. Do you think rat poison might work?

    • Lynn
      March 2, 2011

      Hahaha…rat poison…I don’t know, I’ve never tried it

  7. Linda
    March 5, 2011

    My house was actually neater when my kids lived at home (though it didn’t seem so) Now the entire mess belongs to me and the sofa is a perpetual bookshelf with a nest for pre- sleep napping.

    • Lynn
      March 5, 2011

      Hahaha…well, if it’s your mess then that doesn’t count one does it?

  8. RDB
    March 6, 2011

    Hey Lynn……..one idea for cleaning all the clutter that the gnomes have left around the house is to “clothes pin all the things together” so that when Andie, Keeley, and Daniel go to pick up their “stuff” it’s all stuck together and they can gently carry it up to their rooms! it might work, you never know? It will definitely “freak” them out!!

    • Lynn
      March 6, 2011

      You assume that they would ever actually pick up their stuff. Seems easier just to kick them all out of my house.

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