This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i discuss how much i hate the grocery store


Ok… I just want to go on a little rant about the grocery story. I hate it and I hate going to it. There are only two things worth getting at the grocery store: M&M’s and Tab. I can’t buy M&M’s because I have no self control and then I eat the entire pounder. I wouldn’t actually need to be purchasing TAB either if I wasn’t so busy stuffing M&M’s and other assorted chocolate into my mouth. Kind of a conundrum, don’t ya think? At any rate, I usually only go to the specialty market. I actually go there daily. Why? Because they sell cooked food.

My philosophy is that if it’s cooked and if it’s then served in my house, it’s a home cooked meal. Why should I spend time roasting a chicken if they’re doing a perfectly lovely job of it at Fresh Market? See? That’s what I’m talking about. The list of available food is endless if you have enough sources … but that’s a story for another day. Today I address Harris Teeter aka “The Enemy” or “the store for regular people”.

After being told yesterday that “there is nothing to eat in our house” by my kids and then, in a classic football situation of piling on, by my HUSBAND I relented and made a quick trip to Harris Teeter. Now normally my response to my kids is, “don’t you know how to drive and go get this shit yourself?” but I can’t get that shitty to my poor husband who slaves away all day to provide me with said life of leisure.

So, I went to the store and today two – count them two – things pissed me off. I guess it would be three if you counted the mere fact that I was there in the first place. Firstly, why the hell is everything generic now? If I wanted to buy Harris Teeter brand shit, I would buy Harris Teeter brand shit, but I DON’T. I want what I want. Who are they to tell me I have to save money? I can never find the stuff I want anymore because they don’t fucking carry it because they’re so busy promoting their own shit. It completely and totally pisses me off. Where is my freedom of choice?

Secondly…bagging? Seriously! This is like some lost ancient art form. Why is it nobody in the world can bag? I always get paper so I can use them at home for recycling. Doesn’t it make sense to put the heavy, square things on the bottom and the lighter things on top? I mean, WTF? Who puts bananas on top of bread? Well, my dumb as shit bagger did. I always try to bag it myself to avoid these endless morons but it never fails to amaze me how badly humans can fuck up the simple act of putting shit in bags! And then I absolutely hate it when I have one bag that’s way too heavy to carry so of course the handles break…and then there’s a bag filled with potato chips? I mean, what is up with this? Isn’t there some sort of course that these people can take on weight equalization? Seriously folks … it’s not that difficult to evenly distribute the groceries.

Ok, well that’s it, I’m done. I feel much better now. We have loads of Chex mix, pretzels, sodas and cereal in our house now. Of course, nothing for dinner but I’m sure that something can be arranged later for that!

I mean, I’m just saying…

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  1. Naz Keynejad
    August 21, 2010

    I just said this over at LJ, but I want you to see that I do follow you every where. In fact, I am now officially stalking you. See that unmarked van parked outside your house? Yup. That's me. Oh crap! I just gave myself away …

    Any way: I was at the grocery today and had to do my own bagging and started laughing cuz I remembered this post. People looked at me funny and stepped back. Now everyone at the local Trader Joe's thinks I'm crazy, thanks to you :-)

  2. rdavis56
    August 22, 2010

    I can't see you at Harris Teeter either!! I cant figure out why they put the groceries in the bag the way they do!!! Idiots!! I tell them do not bag my groceries!! I will do it myself and do not help me out to the car!! Then they can really destroy them by throwing everything on top of each other in the trunk of your car!!!

  3. gina
    August 24, 2010

    Just found your blog. Pretty funny stuff! I agree with you on the bagging of groceries! At least you have someone do it for you. Seems I always have to do it myself then in trying to eliminate trips from the car to the kitchen, I put EVERYTHING in one or two bags and both weigh about 50 lbs each.
    Do you ever go thru the "Self Serve Checkout Line"…..that would be a whole story worth for me!!! Hate it and hate plastics bags!

  4. Elisabeth Black
    October 6, 2010

    I know I'm seriously late to this particular party, but this post is sooooooooo fricking funny I could not walk away without posting something.

    So thanks for making me literally laugh out loud here at work in my cube so that others could come ask me what was so funny.

    I'm also a master at doing next-to-nothing and yet I've learned how to get people (large comapnies) to pay me for it. :)

  5. Argentum Vulgaris
    October 7, 2010

    I hate baggers! They have absolutely no idea. I take my bags and repack them and when they whinge for a tip, I simply say "You'll get one when you learn to bag!"


  6. Elizabeth
    October 26, 2010

    This irritates me, too. Where I shop, they don't even offer to bag anymore. I stand there, and I wait, and sometimes they get on with it and sometimes I'm handed my receipt and shoved down the aisle. Plus, I buy a lot of canned cat food, which has to be double-bagged and tied, else it will fall out. Grr. Really, it's just easier to do the self-checkout thing anymore.

  7. jaynecrammond
    October 31, 2010

    We actually get our shopping delivered to us at home as we don't have a car at the moment, and doing the shopping in my pyjamas on my laptop is a way more attracive premise than actually hauling myself and a two-year-old to the supermarket and dragging it all back home in a cab.

    The way the shopping is bagged when we get it is equally infuriating, but for different reasons. These people are obviously strictly monitored on how they bag the shopping, and on so many occasions I have noticed that they seem to use twice as many bags as they actually need to. On any given delivery, there always seems to be at least half a dozen bags with only ONE thing inside (bear in mind we don't have paper bags over here, they're all plastic). I mean, what a waste!

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