This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i discuss my “best friend application”

About 6 years ago, my brother came over to break the news to me that he was getting divorced. I was heartbroken, not only because of the fact that I had NO IDEA that things were this bad in his marriage, but because my then sister-in-law was also MY BEST FRIEND and I was oblivious. I’m not a crier and despite the fact that I had already lost two parents, dealt with millions of medical emergencies, and had a child declared autistic, this news really, really got to me. My daughter Keely had never seen me cry so when I broke down and sobbed, she literally didn’t know what to do. It freaked both her and myself out.

I knew that not only was it going to be an end of a marriage but it was inevitable that it would be the end of a friendship. I am still friends with my ex sister-in-law but as was bound to happen, we are no longer best friends although I still love her dearly and I believe the feeling is mutual. At any rate, after an adjustment period, I began to ponder how I would get a new “best friend.” I’m not really a girl’s girl and while I have a lot of friends, I don’t have that many people who actually know the real me. I’m sure you can tell by previous blogs that my personality is a little out of hand.

Most people make their friendships through either a job, family or their children. The vast majority of my friendships came through playgroups, my kids’ schools and their extracurricular activities. However, by your 40’s, most of these friendships are formed so how do you go about making a new best friend? I had always had ONE best friend as I was not one of those sorority type chicks who hang out in large groups. So, what to do? As I was mulling, and sulking, my daughter Keely and I came up with a BRILLIANT solution. Keely, who is a very funny writer in her own right, agreed with me that we should make a BEST FRIEND APPLICATION for people to apply for the job of being my best friend.

I want to give credit where credits due. While I was a part of this process, the crazy part of this application was all KEELY. We made the application and handed it out. It became part of a craze and pretty soon I had tons of high schoolers filling this application out to be my “best friend.” It was something of a joke, until a teacher found it in the cafeteria at the private school my kids attended. She asked the girls what the application was and then even she filled it out. The effect was instantaneous and I knew we had created a sensation!

I have many, many filled out applications at home in a folder and the answers are amazing so today, without further ado, I would like to share my best friend application with you. I know it’s already been posted at the beginning of this blog, but this is something that bears repeating. I hope you enjoy it!

Lynn MacDonald’s

Best Friend Application

1. What is your name?

2. What is your quest?

3. What is the capital of Assyria?

4. Did you know those are all from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

5. Who is the funniest person you know?

6. Who is the funniest person ever in the history of the world even though you haven’t met some people?

7. What does the earth revolve around? (hint: the correct answer is not “the sun”)

8. Who makes the best cookies?

9. How old are you?

10.        If you’re under 18, do you have permission from your mom to even be talking to me?

11. Will you cater to my every whim and need?

12. What would a good nickname for me be?

13. What 50 words best describe Lynn MacDonald?

14. If you think I’m a bitch, is it necessarily a bad thing?

15. Do you like this font? If not then why not? My favorite person Keely decided she liked it… Answer the question.

16. One time at band camp… (please finish the sentence in the funniest way possible. You will be graded. This question is worth five points of your final grade! If your answer cannot be read to class, then you should have written a better one – one you are proud enough of to read to me and my entire family.)

17. What is the average velocity of an unladen swallow?

18. What type of music do you listen to?

19. Who would you rather spend a half an hour with: Lynn MacDonald or Michael Jordan or George W. Bush?

20.         Why on all these tens numbers does it keep indenting?

21. And now it’s back to normal. What’s the deal with that?

22.       Okay, wait. Now it’s doing it on this one. Is it because it’s the first number on the page? What is your philosophy?

23. Are you aware that hundreds of people have been fired from my best friend position?

24. Can you handle the pressure?

25. Are you easily intimidated by Lynn MacDonald’s superior intellect, sense of humor, and incredible looks?

26. Do you think I’m full of myself?

27. I’m not. Get over it. This isn’t a question.

28. Have you ever won a wet t-shirt contest? If so, how much money did you win?

29. Can you BUST A MOVE?

30. What are your favorite movies? Choose wisely…

31. If you’re a boy, are you willing to date my amazing daughters, Keely and Andie?

32. You would realize that you wouldn’t date them both at the same time, right?

33. Would you rather read:

                       a. Star (aka “smut”)

                       b. Sports Illustrated

                       c. The Wall Street Journal

34. If C was your preferred choice, do not go any further. If A was your choice, give me the scuttlebutt. If you chose B… then you aren’t very special, are you?

35. Are you a Yankees fan?

36. If so, can you be converted to a rabid Red Sox fan?

37. Or maybe just a regular Red Sox fan?

38. Rabid is preferred. Foaming at the mouth is good…

39. Are you answering these questions honestly or just sucking up?

40. What do you think of a martyr starter kit?

41. Have you ever seen such a kit?

42. Would you willing to market it for Lynn MacDonald

43. EXTRA CREDIT: Are you willing to call on a daily basis?

44. What do you think of the word “strategery?”

45. Do you think I’m getting off-topic?

46. If so, explain why. If not, then how come?

47. Show me the money… SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!…?

48. What movie is that from?

49. I knew that. Why did you tell me?

50. Do you like it when I repeat my hilarious stories?

51. A lot of times?

52. A whoooooooooole lot of times?

53. Are you sure?

54. Okay fine. I believe you. Should I believe you?

55. What kind of stories can I tell you:

          a. G rated

          b. PG-13

          c. R

          d. X and above

56. I have a lot of X and above. Be prepared.

57. Are you easily shocked?

58. Are you lacking a sense of humor? If so, why are you even bothering to fill this out?

Essays (Worth a lot of your grade. Suck up to the people who grade them – Andie and Keely and myself, the amazing Lynn MacDonald – make sure you do well on it! You may use additional paper if needed.)

1. In a mere 500 words, tell me why you currently have no best friend. What makes you think you’re best friend material?

2. In a well thought-out ENGLILSH paper, tell me what a good question about myself would be. Give supporting details and make sure you use metaphors and similes for good imagery. Extra points given for cool nickname.

Well, I hope you enjoyed it. The jobs already been filled but feel free to fill it out and send it in. After all, you never know when I’ll need a new best friend!

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