This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i discuss my Christmas Letter history

Tomorrow I’m going to post my Christmas letter for 2010 and I realized that perhaps a little history here would be helpful.  You see, it’s not your typical Christmas letter and I thought you might enjoy it more if you understood how we got where we are. I didn’t grow up sending Christmas letters.  You see, I was Jewish ( kinda still am.  We celebrate both Hanukah and Christmas).  I never really even thought about them until I had kids.
 
When Keely was born in 1989, I realized that many of our friends and family were out of town and they had no way of knowing what was going on in our life. After giving it much thought, I realized that they probably didn’t really care.  After all, I didn’t care what was going on in their life. But, they kept sending me pictures and I thought, well damn, if they were going to send me pictures of their kids then I sure as hell was going to send out pictures of my kids because my kids were pretty damn attractive.  So, in 1991 when Andie was born I did just that and sent out a Christmas card that was just a picture with a little Happy Holidays bull shitty thing on it.  Here is the picture below:

So, it was all good and the next year I did it again.  Same two kids with different pretty dresses.  The year Daniel was born was a banner year because getting a picture with a 4 month old, 2 year old and 4 year old was damn near impossible but we managed. Each year I sent out a picture and nothing else but I noticed something:  it seemed that everybody else’s kids were achieving unbelievable things and peace and brotherhood reigned through their homes.  
 
In 1997 I couldn’t take it anymore so I caved and wrote a Christmas letter.  Here’s the picture:

 But I decided I wasn’t going to embellish or beat around the bush.  I included such gems as my mom dying.  It was a lousy start to the year but life went on. None of those long drawn out explanations for me.  I admitted that I was unemployable but I did school volunteer activities under duress, that Andie was trying to figure out how to be older than Keely, that Keely was a klutz and that Daniel was merrily beating up all the other kids at pre-school. In short, I told it like it was.  
 
1998 sucked and after receiving all these letters about everybody’s wonderful year, I sent out a letter that said, “I’m happy for all of y’all but my year has gone … FROM BAD TO WORSE!!!  Well, that about sums up the year in the MacDonald household.  Let’s hope next year improves.”  That was the year that Daniel was diagnosed as autistic and then my dad died.  So yeah.
 
In 1999, I wrote my Christmas letter again describing my kids accurately and ended with this summation of myself:  “And last, but not least, ME.  (Lynn — for those of you who don’t know).  Depending on the day, I’m great.  That’s what it’s like when you’re manic-depressive.  Just Kidding!! I drive hundreds of miles every week and get nowhere.  I’m available to be yelled at, shit upon, and various and sundry other things.  I turned 40 this year and was informed that it was high time I grew up. (HA, As if!!). “
 
By now, I was getting a certain reputation for telling it like it is with my Christmas letters.  This is how I described myself in 2000:  “And finally me! (Lynn)  I am 41 years old and apparently back in school although which grade depends on the day. Since we’ve had a pretty decent year, I’ve only been mildly screwed up.  There is no cure for what ails me, however, so I just muddle through life being either obnoxious or quite funny depending on whom you ask. Anyway, I have spent a lot of time at the pool with the kids, carpooling, and generally trying to ignore them so I can read my books.”  
 
In 2001 I described how I missed my college reunion because I got the date wrong and basically just dissing my kids and husband and I started receiving feedback on how much fun my Christmas letters were.  I had truly hit my stride!
 
In 2003, I started with a poem:
 
Roses are red, violets are blue
I can’t write this letter and be funny too
I know I haven’t written one in over two years
But I’ve lost my funny, that’s what me fears!
 
However I’ll try and give you the news
Things are the same, not one busted arm but two!
We’ve recently moved, and the house is a mess
I feel so much better getting that off my chest.
 
So here comes the letter with news of the bunch
I’ll give it an effort with my best one-two punch
 
Then I went on to describe the mess that is my family including all the snide things that were said and done on a daily basis.  Here’s the picture:

By 2005, I described myself as this:
 
And ME, what can I say?  I do nothing, literally, all day, every day.  I spend my days working out, doing puzzles, Sudoko and looking at teenager’s crap on AIM.  My kids say I’m too nosy interfering with their life, but since I don’t have one of my own, who cares?  I am undoubtedly the coolest mom on earth as acknowledged by all teenagers except for my own.  I have been looking for friends my own age.  Keely and Andie even came up with a Best Friend Application for me. Unfortunately, no one wanted the job.  So, that’s it. Hope your life is good, and if not, better luck next year!!  HAHA
 
In 2006, I was spending copious amounts of time driving Andie around to field hockey practices.  I decided that I would dictate my letter to Andie and she would type it on her laptop while we were driving back from Chapel Hill.  Andie started embellishing and the Christmas letter was truly a classic. It was even put in the Greensboro News Paper.  If you haven’t read it, here’s the link:
 
http://allfookedup.com/xmas-letter-2006/ and the picture:


 
 After that letter, I truly couldn’t figure out how to top it but we did in 2007 with a travelogue of our adventures around the world.  Andie used Paint and added us to the pyramids, Fenway stadium in Boston … everywhere.  It was a great hit.  The only problem was, it was getting harder and harder to top the previous year’s letter.  We did succeed in 2008 with a great letter but in 2009, we had a terrible year.  I’ve mentioned that Keely had a massive pelvic tumor which gave us quite a cancer scare and then she spent 6 months on crutches.  Honestly, last Christmas I said fuck the letter because it sucked so bad that I couldn’t be funny which brings us to the present.
 
I sat down with Keely and Andie, my two partners in crime to come up with a Christmas letter.  Now remember, we have literally not said ONE SINGLE FACT about anybody in the letter in years so, what to do?  I came up with the concept of a fairy tale, but Keely and Andie went a little crazy.  Did I play a part in the letter?  According to them, no, but yes, yes I did.  I kept it tracking along a line I liked. Tomorrow you’ll see it posted it. You need to know that our family consists of myself (Lynn MacDonald), Kevin (my husband), Keely (who is now 21 and – this is important – she has a broken toe now, a hole in her pelvis from the tumor and has broken her arm 8 times),  Andie (I don’t even know what to write about her. She’s not completely sane) and Daniel (sweet guy who gets a raft of shit from his sisters). So, there you are, a complete history of our Christmas letter.  Hope you enjoyed it and I look forward to seeing your reaction tomorrow!
 

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

2 Comments

  1. Kelly
    December 23, 2010

    I can’t wait to read your newest Christmas letter. I went back and read your past few and they totally cracked me up. My sister in law does a letter every year and every year it really burns my ass. 1/2 of the letter is about her, because apparently the universe revolves around her, 1/4 is about my nephew, about 1/8 is about their 3 zillion animals and if there is anything left there is a small blurb about my brother. Yeah, he is the lowest on the totem pole, like I’m bitter or anything.

    So needless to say, I hate these letters because everyone is just gloating about themselves and I like yours because it is so damn funny. I just send the card with the picture of the kids. If people want to know whats going on in my life they can call or e-mail me.

    • Lynn
      December 23, 2010

      Yeah…that type of letter was the inspiration for mine. I DON’T care how awesome your kids are! Hahaha! I hope you enjoy tomorrows letter. Thanks for commenting.

Follow Lynn on Facebook Follow Lynn on Twitter Follow Lynn via RSS Follow Lynn on Pinterest
Enter your Email

Recent articles


Follow Lynn on Facebook Follow Lynn on Twitter Follow Lynn via RSS Follow Lynn on Pinterest




Go to All Fooked Up Store 

Lynn MacDonald Art