This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i discuss my Martyr Starter Kit

We’ve all been there. Sitting around with your mom and her asking you to do something and you just hemming and hawing when all of a sudden you hear it … the words come out with a growl … “FINE, I’LL DO IT THEN”. That’s when you know it: YOU LIVE WITH A MARTYR.

My mom was such a woman. She was the Joan of Arc of my life. It was with such a thought that my brother Bruce (still in college) and I (just graduated) decided to invent an homage to our mother. We called it the “Martyr Starter Kit”. We built it, designed it and trademarked it. We made hundreds of samples and set out to market the hell out of it. Then Bruce returned to school, I got bored and I had hundreds of said kits sitting around the house. I still do and now, I’m going to share them with you. The packaging is sleek, but yellowing. The kit comes with instructions (listed below), a stake, nails, kindling, a match and last, but not least, a cotton ball.

The instructions are as follows:

Martyr Starter Kit
Instructions for Assembly

1. Firmly insert stake into ground.

2. Using enclosed nails, securely fasten martyr to stake. Martyr should be struggling slightly but not enough to dislodge nails.

3. For quick ignition, place kindling directly under martyr.

4. Important! Insert cotton balls into observers’ ears. This is to prevent hearing damage due to martyr’s final screams.

5. Strike match and carefully light fire.

6. By now, your martyr should be lightly roasted. If desired, turn for maximum effects.

So there you have it. My first get rich quick scheme. Still a good idea, just got bored … I mean after all, I am an underachiever.

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  1. krm1989
    August 20, 2010

    I saw this in person at the best passover ever!! I would totally buy one.

  2. Lady Estrogen
    January 15, 2011

    Hilarious! I recently bought an “Anti-Bullshit” kit for my father-in-law when I was in AUS. Gotta love those gimmics – I’d buy one of those for my mom for sure. lol.

    • Lynn
      January 15, 2011

      Thanks…my brother and i invented it for my mom who was a complete Martyr…i was so funny! Maybe i’ll get them reproduced although honestly, i can’t even imagine the hassle it would be.

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