This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i discuss wrecking my car

A few weeks ago, my youngest child Daniel, wrecked his car. Astoundingly enough, this was the first car accident any of my three children has had in the five years since I have had young drivers. (Knock on wood). Of course, Kevin was out of town so I had to rush up to the scene of the accident and take charge. Daniel was concerned and feeling awful about the wreck as he had gotten the car as a Christmas present and now it was looking pretty bad. He looked at me with trepidation and waited for me to get angry.

I just looked at him and said, “Daniel, I have absolutely no room to talk when it comes to wrecks and your father did a bonehead thing a few years ago as well so we won’t be lecturing you. Let’s just talk about being a more defensive driver” (as he had pulled his car out into oncoming traffic trusting the guy was going to stop which he didn’t).

By the time I was 17, I had had three wrecks. And trust me, my dad wasn’t the “no lecture type”. The first wreck I had was within a month of getting my driver’s license. My mom was out of town so I was going to have to confess to my dad. I drove over to my grandmother’s house feeling pretty hysterical. I figured that this would be the last conversation I would ever have with my dad as he would surely kill me. Boy, did I get yelled at for doing such a stupid thing. Later, during that same year I backed into a fancy sports car in the high school parking lot and then went up to Baltimore to visit my older brother and wrecked his car. Let me tell you, that one didn’t go over well.

I managed to make it through four years of college with out wrecking anything and then the year after college, I absolutely smashed into somebody else’s car, so you see, I really don’t have room to lecture. You would think from all this that I’m a terrible driver but that’s not actually the case. I always seem to make assumptions that people are going to do what they say they’re going to do. For example, if you signal me to pull out in front of you I would assume you were going to stop and let me in… apparently that’s not always the case. My first wreck the person was making a right turn and once they began to turn, I sped up. This was all good and well until the person STOPPED. At that point, we had a slight problem as two vehicles struggled to occupy the same space. I’m not making excuses; I’m just pointing out what happened. In Baltimore, the driver waved for me to merge and I did, it’s just that he was in the spot I merged in to.

At any rate, after college and my year at home I sold my car and moved to New York City. Obviously I didn’t have a car there and therefore I also had no wrecks. Now don’t think I didn’t drive. I did. I had business trips all over the United States, mostly to paper mills in out of the way places, and I rented cars to go on said trips. I didn’t wreck these cars so I consider those the Golden Years of Lynn’s Mad Driving Skills!

As I said, I had a bit of a hiatus from the car wrecks. Once Kevin and I got engaged I moved to New Jersey and bought a car. I had no problems there either however, when I moved back to Greensboro things changed a bit. I like to think that once I had kids I became a more careful driver, and I’m pretty sure it’s true because at this point, people began smashing into me. Of course, smashing into a Land Cruiser is never a good idea and the cars doing the smashing suffered far more than my car did. Instead, I started running into inanimate objects.

In about 2001, I decided to trade in my Land Cruiser, which had about 95,000 miles on it, for a Toyota Sequoia. As my friend Katherine told me the other day, “I remember asking you why you were trading your car in for a new one and you replied: I need more cup holders”. Don’t be judgmental: that is typical rationale for me. At any rate, the Sequoia was a mistake: a HUGE MISTAKE. That car was self-wrecking. It was literally a magnet to run into every inanimate thing that could be found.

After school, I would often take the carpool (my three kids and three from across the street) to Cook Out to grab a milkshake. They make the most incredible milkshakes there! Now Cook Out has a drive through and so you don’t hit the building, they have a huge metal post protecting it. So I’m going to get a milkshakes in my brand new car and WHAM, I smack right into the pylon and destroy the front right corner of my car. The damn thing was brand new but apparently, the turning radius wasn’t quite the same as the Land Cruiser. That one didn’t go over well on the homefront!

The next thing that happens is I’m backing out of a driveway and BOOM, I smash right into the mailbox. I could have sworn that there was nothing behind me. Yep, there were some serious blind spots in that car. After that, I hit a support structure for a telephone pole and there’s a dent in the back bumper for that as well. But here comes the clincher.

We finally move into our new house and I’ve got the kids in the car. Now I wear prescription glasses, can’t bother with contacts, so I always get in the car first thing and put on my prescription sunglasses. After all, I’m driving east into the sun! So I walk into the garage and once again, Kevin’s left his garage door up when he left for work. I press his button and my button as well to close his door and open mine. I hear the garage door going up so I’m really not paying too much attention at this point. I get in the car, put on my sunglasses, tell the kids to buckle up, put the car in reverse and BAM.

Me:           “What the hell was that?”

Kids:          (silence)

Me:           “What?”

Keely:       “Mom, you just backed into the garage door”

Me:           “Goddamnit, are you serious?”

Andie:       “Yeah Mom, you did!”

Me:          “Shit, let’s go see how bad it is”

Me:           (mumbling … your father’s going to kill me)

So, I get out of the car and the door is buckled out and broken pretty bad. I have to manually raise it but I manage it and then I take the kids to school. Now comes the bad part. I gotta confess to Kevin. This house is BRAND NEW. MY car is BRAND NEW. I’m in deep shit. My entire life is spent confessing to Kevin because you can’t even imagine the carnage I leave in my wake. So I confess, he gets pissed, I get the garage door fixed and life goes on … for a while … until two months later I do it AGAIN. Yeah, I did it again. Three times in fact. Three goddamn times I back into the garage door without opening it. It’s weird, that never happened at my old house but it did here. What do I do? I sell the damn car and get a new one. There was obviously something wrong with that car.

I’m a little more careful now and I haven’t backed into the door in years although I did once smash into the brick on the right side when I was coming in too fast. My car still has little dings on it because apparently my life is like a bumper car.

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks. That’s why I didn’t yell at Daniel. So if you see me on the road, you’re probably safe but you better batten down your mailbox.

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    November 5, 2010

    My daughter had the same problem. She ran into a UPS truck and forgot to tell me although she did tell her mother. A couple of nights later there was a knock on the door which I answered. The Deputy Sheriff was there and wanted to talk abut the recent accident. I told him that there hadn't been any accident which he insisted there was. Her mother came to the door and said, "I'll take care of this." They both insisted I didn't need to worry.

  2. Carla E. Knight
    November 5, 2010

    Our red van looks like we drive it in a demolition derby. I am only responsible for most (but not all) of the dents. One of the smashed in doors was when I hit the telephone pole that has been standing in exactly the same place next to our driveway for 28 years.

  3. Peggy Sue Brister
    November 5, 2010

    If you add up all the times just in that blog post you either wrecked a car or hit another car or hit some parked or still object that's about 10 or 12 times. That's about 6 times more than eeverybody else in the world on average has wrecks. I would say there's a driving issue. A big one. I have had one wreck my entire life and it wasn't my fault. Someone smashed into me from behind. If you are careful and pay attention to what you are doing, wrecks don't happen. But you are right about not being one to lecture anybody about a wreck.

  4. NIC
    November 5, 2010

    I loved your post! My sister had a car in high school that was a target. She didn't even have to have a key in the ignition to get hit. Lol

  5. Elizabeth - Flourish in Progress
    November 6, 2010

    You are obviously a very cool mom for being so understanding.

    HILARIOUS that you hit a garage door. I'm sure I'll do that eventually.

    new to your blog, looking forward to more.

  6. Sandra
    November 6, 2010

    I cannot judge. I can only offer my deepest sympathies.
    Last week, I drove up onto the meridian in traffic. Didn't quite know how to explain that one to my husband. How 'bout this: shitty drivers unite!

  7. LilPixi
    November 7, 2010

    Is it bad this post made me laugh so hard? I know it sucks dealing with those situation when they happen, but I can't help it. Crashing is funny to me as long as nobody gets hurt. lol

    Speaking of which, there is an award waiting for you over at my blog (Second to last post I made) for you to pick up & pass onto 5 other bloggers of your choice if you would like. =)

  8. vegemitevix
    November 7, 2010

    My oldest isn't driving yet (the age is 17 over here in Blighty) so I can't talk from personal experience, though I suspect that it will be difficult for me to throw any stones whatsoever. Although I'm a great driver going forwards, there are a few minor problems with my reversing strategy. I seem to have problems with letterboxes and trees that jump out behind me. I won't be telling Son off at all. Thank GOD your son wasn't hurt.

  9. Nicki
    November 7, 2010

    Well, I am glad your son wasn't hurt and even more glad we don't live in the same town…on account of your cars all having minds of their own! =) I backed into my garage door while it was closed once. I felt like such a dumbass!! I also backed into a small dumpster at work and knocked it over. When the boss asked me if I knew anything about it, all I said was, "I think I would have noticed a dumpster knocked over when I left. I didn't so it must have happened after I left."

  10. Karla Telega
    November 27, 2010

    My daughter's battery died, so she decided to back it out of our sloping driveway to get a jump from the neighbor, … with the driver's side door open. Her plan was to stick her foot out and use it as a brake. As the car rolled back, the door caught the hedge and ripped off it's hinges.

    The insurance company canceled her policy for pure stupidity.

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