This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
Sometimes, especially in the middle of an inane conversation, I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I had kids. Did I wake up one day and think, “Hey, Kevin and I are having way too much fun with all this time and disposable income, so perhaps we should throw a wrench in the works?” Or was it all those cute nieces and nephews I had who appeared so adorable and small and cuddly and certainly didn’t have an “I’m incredibly work-intensive” sign on their bodies.
Who knows. Between the fact that I’m convinced part of my brain left my body with the placentas of each child and I’m losing my memory because of either old age or the copious amounts of chemicals I take to keep my moods regulated, I have no clue. At any rate, I DO have three children and I DO have a lot of inane conversations. Last night was no different. Here’s the setup.
As you know, or you would if you read this damn blog on a regular basis so don’t blame me if you don’t know, I have three kids. Two of them are away at college and that’s all good. That leaves one at home (yeah, I was a math major but even you should be able to figure out that 3-2=1). That one is Daniel. Daniel spent the first 16 years of his life being drowned out by two older sisters but since he’s been an only child, he has really come into his own. Last night around 9:30, Kevin, Daniel and I were having a conversation about money; more specifically, his allowance.
You see, even though Daniel doesn’t have to milk cows or sow seeds, he gets an allowance. The money he gets each month is supposed to pay for his lunch when he leaves campus, his gas and any other extras he might want to indulge in. For example: a movie or a new video game or … this is just speculative here … a date! And yet, Daniel is constantly asking me for money. Here’s the conversation that took place last night:
Daniel: “Mom, I need some money to go out to eat.”
Me: “Why are you telling me this? You have money.”
Daniel: “No, I need cash.”
Me: “So get some cash.”
Daniel: “I don’t have any cash. I’m going to get some out of your wallet.”
Me: “No you’re not. You have a debit card, go get some cash.”
Daniel: “Why? You have some in your wallet. That’s what dad does.”
(A little segue here: that IS what Kevin does. Only ONE person in this family ever goes to an ATM and that person is me. Kevin goes to my wallet and pulls out some 20’s and goes about his life and then all of a sudden, I need to pay somebody and lo and behold, there’s no money in my wallet. WHY IS THERE NO MONEY IN MY WALLET? I HAD $100. WHERE DID IT GO? Oh yeah, I remember. My husband STOLE it! AGAIN)
Me: “I know that’s what your father does, he shouldn’t do it either!”
Kevin: “Why not? I need money and you have money.”
Me: “Go get your own money!”
Daniel: “Mom, I need some money…”
Me: “Why are you always taking my money? You have nothing but time”
Daniel: “You don’t know my life!”
Me: “What? What the hell are you saying?”
Daniel: “I learned from the BEST! That’s what Dad does!”
(Yeah, and then he and Kevin do a little fist bump. Seriously. The asshole thieves did a FIST BUMP)
Kevin: “That’s my boy!”
Me: “You guys always take all my money. Daniel, take your debit card and go up to the bank and shove it in the little ATM and get your own damn money. That’s what your allowance is for.”
Daniel: “But mom, if I go up to the bank and you go up to the bank, than that’s just more bank trips…”
Me: “… and …”
Daniel: “So, more bank trips equals more gas…”
Daniel: “Yeah, and more gas costs more money so MOM, I’M ACTUALLY SAVING YOU MONEY.”
Me: “Are you serious with this crap?”
Daniel: “Yeah, by taking your money I’m actually saving you money!”
Kevin: “That’s a great point Daniel. I’m proud of you!”
Me: “Good god! You two are assholes and I’m definitely putting this down in my blog”
And so here I am recording this incredibly inane, and yet somehow logical, conversation on my blog. For all you people out there with small children, this is what you have to look forward to. And if you dare question the logic, just remember that whenever you question a teenager, you’ll be told “you don’t know my life!” and they’re right, I sure as Hell don’t.