This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i don’t even know his life

Daniel MacDonald

Sometimes, especially in the middle of an inane conversation, I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I had kids.  Did I wake up one day and think, “Hey, Kevin and I are having way too much fun with all this time and disposable income, so perhaps we should throw a wrench in the works?”  Or was it all those cute nieces and nephews I had who appeared so adorable and small and cuddly and certainly didn’t have an “I’m incredibly work-intensive” sign on their bodies.

Who knows.  Between the fact that I’m convinced part of my brain left my body with the placentas of each child and I’m losing my memory because of either old age or the copious amounts of chemicals I take to keep my moods regulated, I have no clue.  At any rate, I DO have three children and I DO have a lot of inane conversations.  Last night was no different.  Here’s the setup.

As you know, or you would if you read this damn blog on a regular basis so don’t blame me if you don’t know, I have three kids.  Two of them are away at college and that’s all good.  That leaves one at home (yeah, I was a math major but even you should be able to figure out that 3-2=1).  That one is Daniel.  Daniel spent the first 16 years of his life being drowned out by two older sisters but since he’s been an only child, he has really come into his own.  Last night around 9:30, Kevin, Daniel and I were having a conversation about money; more specifically, his allowance.

You see, even though Daniel doesn’t have to milk cows or sow seeds, he gets an allowance.  The money he gets each month is supposed to pay for his lunch when he leaves campus, his gas and any other extras he might want to indulge in.  For example: a movie or a new video game or … this is just speculative here … a date!  And yet, Daniel is constantly asking me for money.  Here’s the conversation that took place last night:

Daniel:             “Mom, I need some money to go out to eat.”

Me:                 “Why are you telling me this? You have money.”

Daniel:             “No, I need cash.”

Me:                 “So get some cash.”

Daniel:             “I don’t have any cash.  I’m going to get some out of your wallet.”

Me:                 “No you’re not.  You have a debit card, go get some cash.”

Daniel:            “Why? You have some in your wallet.  That’s what dad does.”

(A little segue here:  that IS what Kevin does.  Only ONE person in this family ever goes to an ATM and that person is me.  Kevin goes to my wallet and pulls out some 20’s and goes about his life and then all of a sudden, I need to pay somebody and lo and behold, there’s no money in my wallet.  WHY IS THERE NO MONEY IN MY WALLET?  I HAD $100.  WHERE DID IT GO?  Oh yeah, I remember.  My husband STOLE it!  AGAIN)

Me:                 “I know that’s what your father does, he shouldn’t do it either!”

Kevin:             “Why not?  I need money and you have money.”

Me:                 “Go get your own money!”

Daniel:             “Mom, I need some money…”

Me:                 “Why are you always taking my money?  You have nothing but time”

Daniel:             “You don’t know my life!”

Me:                 “What?  What the hell are you saying?”

Daniel:             “I learned from the BEST! That’s what Dad does!”

(Yeah, and then he and Kevin do a little fist bump.  Seriously. The asshole thieves did a FIST BUMP)

Kevin:             “That’s my boy!”

Me:                 “You guys always take all my money.  Daniel, take your debit card and go up to the bank and shove it in the little ATM and get your own damn money.  That’s what your allowance is for.”

Daniel:             “But mom, if I go up to the bank and you go up to the bank, than that’s just more bank trips…”

Me:                 “… and …”

Daniel:            “So, more bank trips equals more gas…”

Me:                 “And?”

Daniel:             “Yeah, and more gas costs more money so MOM, I’M ACTUALLY SAVING YOU MONEY.”

Me:                 “Are you serious with this crap?”

Daniel:             “Yeah, by taking your money I’m actually saving you money!”

Kevin:             “That’s a great point Daniel.  I’m proud of you!”

Me:                 “Good god!  You two are assholes and I’m definitely putting this down in my blog”

And so here I am recording this incredibly inane, and yet somehow logical, conversation on my blog.  For all you people out there with small children, this is what you have to look forward to.  And if you dare question the logic, just remember that whenever you question a teenager, you’ll be told “you don’t know my life!” and they’re right, I sure as Hell don’t.

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  1. Name *
    February 16, 2011

    I simply could not pass this one up :).
    4 kids here…single parent btw, and 3 of my kids seem to have this sense of smell that lets them know when I have green stuff in my wallet. They will inevitably need cash for one thing or another and then the green goes bye bye. Money stays in my purse for about the length of time it takes to get home from town. I have actually found myself using my debit card for as little as $3 because of no cash in my purse.

    • Lynn
      February 16, 2011

      Hahaha…I can totally relate to that. What kills me is that he seems to be banking his allowance while using MY money. Of course, my husband thinks it’s hilarious somwhat can I do?

  2. Abby
    February 16, 2011

    Hahhhh! Poor Lynn!

    My mom used to joke that ATM stands for “Alice, the Mom.” She took money out my dad’s wallet and we took it out of hers.

    • Lynn
      February 16, 2011

      Hahaha…he has a DEBIT card to his own account with his own money though!!!

  3. Emma Jayne
    February 16, 2011

    I hear ya, babe! What is it with our spawnlings that they cannot grasp the fact that we do not shit money? My ex send my daughter $200 just because (guilt maybe?) and the NEXT DAY she asked me for gas money. WTF! How will I ever get my LV Speedy 35 if I have to keep this up? Oy…the sacrifices!

    • Lynn
      February 16, 2011

      Well, he gets an allowance auto deposited but he won’t get cash himself and takes mine! Kids…

  4. Name *
    February 16, 2011

    Stimulii: “Good god! You two are assholes and I’m definitely putting this down in my blog”

    I NEED to start blogging again! ;)

    ~Queen Momma (new follower!)

    • Lynn
      February 16, 2011

      hey, welcome aboard…nice to meet you. I live in a family of morons!

  5. Gloria
    February 16, 2011

    Dear Lynn,

    You really know how to make a funny story out of the smallest incident. But I guess in this case I should say “re-occurring incident”.
    Your posts make my day! :D

    I see that father and son have made an alliance… ts, ts, ts that’s always the case isn’t it?
    Keep the faith, you may have lost some battles but you definitely will win the war, just keep writing in here, I believe it’s better than therapy!

    All the best
    La Petite Ranteuse

    • Lynn
      February 16, 2011

      Thanks…I guess I just find everything and everyone funny. Surely I’m not the only one having inane conversations all the time. And thanks for the encouragement

  6. Jessica
    February 16, 2011

    Did he get money from your wallet or did he end up going to the ATM?

    • Lynn
      February 16, 2011

      Wallet! He has never been to the ATM…EVER!!!

  7. Julie
    February 16, 2011

    I think you should take his debit card and withdraw the $$ from his account. Put it in your wallet so when he needs cash he’s taking his own moola, not yours.

    • Lynn
      February 16, 2011

      haha…thats a great idea except he does use his debit card to fill his car up with gas so he occasionally uses it. I might do that…then i can trick him.

  8. Christine
    February 16, 2011

    hehe… I think you’re son and my son must use the same brain, cuz I swear I’ve had this conversation with my 17 yo! Luckily I never have cash in my wallet though! hahaha jokes on them when you only use your debit card for purchases!

    • Lynn
      February 16, 2011

      yeah, i get money out to pay people and do certain things with and then between my husband and my son, i end up writing a check anyways

  9. Samantha @ Becoming Me
    February 16, 2011

    My kids are 9,7 and 3 and constantly ask for stuff and money. “Hey, we should go to the store and buy blah blah blah on the weekend.”. Um no. You want something kid? You save for it.

    • Lynn
      February 16, 2011

      good for you…my kids don’t actually spend much. This allowance is supposed to be for lunch and gas, etc. He does use the debit card for gas but never runs to the bank to get cash.

  10. Stefanie
    February 16, 2011

    That? Is hilarious. It’s all we have left. Blogging about them.

    • Lynn
      February 17, 2011

      Well, I DO like to think I can discuss things other than my family. Hmmm, I better go check.

  11. Casey
    February 17, 2011

    Cool! I have $100 in my wallet to look forward to. What a relief! :-)



    • Lynn
      February 17, 2011

      why does everybody think i’m giving them money?

  12. lauren
    February 20, 2011

    i can top that. check this out. its valentines day, and my son uses his college allowance curtesy of his parents to a) take his girlfriend out for dinner, and b) book a hotel room for the night. so essentially my husband and i paid for her wonderful valentines day while we got up, looked at each other over breakfast and said, ‘oh yeah, happy valentines day”. WTF.

  13. Melissa
    February 23, 2011

    hehe, my brother was that way when we were teens too. :)

    Why not pay his allowance in cash and let him deposit the money into his account for gas, food, etc?

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