This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i got good news

Good news!  I don’t have cancer.  At least I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer … today.  You see, last night after my daily ritual of staring at myself in my magnification mirror, I discovered that one of the brown spots on my face was raised.  I didn’t remember it being raised before so I thought “hmmm”, is this supposed to be like this?  I was pretty sure that it wasn’t.

 

At any rate, this morning I decided that perhaps I should check it out again and it seemed like the little brown spot was definitely raised.  CANCER I thought.

 

So, I informed Kevin that I was probably dying of cancer and went into the kitchen where Daniel was eating breakfast, watching ESPN, and reading Sports Illustrated.  (Obviously, a pro at multitasking)  After saying hello and good morning to him, he proceeded to ignore me.  “Daniel” I said, “don’t you love me anymore?”  “Sure mom” was his reply.

 

Honestly, he didn’t seem too enthused about it so I informed him “You really should appreciate me more because I’m pretty sure that I’m dying of cancer.”

 

Daniel:            Whatever you say mom!

 

So Daniel went upstairs and I made my coffee and my protein shake and then sat on my couch and checked all the morning stuff out…you know the blog stats and Twitter and Facebook and all that assorted shit.  Finally, Daniel came back downstairs to hang with me before school.

 

Me:                  Daniel, I can’t believe you’re not worried about my cancer!

 

Daniel:            Mom, you don’t have cancer.

 

Me:                  Won’t you miss me?

 

Daniel:            I would, if you actually were dying of cancer.

 

Me:                  Come look at this cancer on my face.

 

Daniel:            (comes over) It looks like a pimple to me.

 

Me:                  It’s not a pimple. It’s an inflamed brown spot.

 

Daniel:            I think it’s a pimple.

 

Me:                  Well, you’re not a doctor.

 

After that, Daniel went to school and I went to my spinning class where we worked way too hard and now I’m tired and sweaty and apparently dying of cancer as well although nobody but me seems to know or care.  At any rate, I’m driving into my neighborhood after the class and there are a million people walking (SIDEBAR: I live in a neighborhood where they left pastures as open land therefore lots of people walk in my neighborhood).  As I was passing a neighbor who was walking her dog, I slowed down to talk to her and I realized that she was a dermatologist.

 

After the normal “how are you stuff” I informed her that I had just discovered that I was dying of skin cancer and maybe I should finally come in and get all my moles and spots checked out.

 

Me:                  So Laura, I’ve never been to the dermatologist to get my skin checked because I was a tanner and I figured that, even though I absolutely baked in the sun, that only pale people like you get skin cancer.

 

Laura:             Well, they get it more often but you should come get it all checked.

 

Me:                  I’m pretty sure I have a cancerous brown spot right now.

 

Laura:             What?

 

Me:                  Yeah, I discovered it last night.

 

Laura:             Let me see.

 

(So I lean out the window and she looks it at)

 

Laura:             It is raised but it doesn’t look like cancer.

 

Me:                  Hmm…Daniel thinks it’s a pimple.

 

Laura:             Well, if it gets pink around it you should definitely get it checked out.

 

Me:                  It’s definitely going to get pink because I can’t stop messing with it and it’s going to get inflamed.

 

Laura:             Lynn, it’s not cancer.

 

So there you are. I have a new lease on life because this morning I had cancer and now I don’t.

 

I’m just saying …

 

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24 Comments

  1. Name *
    April 26, 2011

    Thank god you don’t have cancer. Who’s going to write this blog and make us laugh then?

    • Lynn
      April 26, 2011

      I’m glad you said that. I can never tell if anything I say or write is funny so thanks for that!

      • Alison@Mama Wants This
        April 26, 2011

        Saying it as I see it. Thanks for the laughter Lynn!

        • Lynn
          April 26, 2011

          Thanks…i always love comments. Especially happy ones

  2. Lady Estrogen
    April 26, 2011

    That’s great! If it starts turning a greenish-black color, then be worried.
    x

    • Lynn
      April 26, 2011

      Hahaha…nobody takes me seriously around here. What do i have to do? actually get SOMETHING terrible for attention. Jeez

  3. mara (@chickymara)
    April 26, 2011

    That happens to me almost every day. Although some days is Vitilago. Other days is Alzheimers. Then a variety of other illnesses (all serious). I too wonder why no one in my house ever cares that I’m ‘dying’. I care and I would miss you so I’m glad your neighbor gave you that good news.

    • Lynn
      April 26, 2011

      Hahaha…well, i’m not DYING everyday. Nonetheless, nobody ever seems particularly worried about it. Where’s my girls when i need them?

  4. Pamela D Hart
    April 26, 2011

    Phew, close call! My ungrateful family doesn’t pay attention to any of my “illnesses” or “diseases” either. What do we have to do to get some attention…drop over? They’d probably just walk over our prone bodies.

    And on the heels of Alison– of course you’re funny. Sorry if I don’t tell you enough. I guess I just assumed you knew! I mean, why else would I stalk you? Because you’re boring?
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..I KNOW Im NuttyMy Profile

    • Lynn
      April 26, 2011

      Thanks Pam…i never know. My entire family tells me I’m never funny so i am always quite unsure. However, i just publish anyways. What the hell, right?

  5. Jessica
    April 26, 2011

    I am a worrier just like you. Thank goodness you don’t have cancer now and I hope you never get it in the future.

    • Lynn
      April 26, 2011

      hahaha..i really wasn’t all that worried about it to be honest. I just like bugging everyone around me.

  6. Erin Margolin
    April 26, 2011

    Is hypochondria a Jew thing? Because I think I kinda have it too. But I try hard not to. I’m relieved you bumped into a dermatologist and got the all clear!

    • Lynn
      April 26, 2011

      hahaha…I’m not actually a hypochondriac….i was just screwing around with everyone. I never get sick. I do expect to die young however. I’m just waiting around

  7. Kenna
    April 26, 2011

    The good news is that you don’t have cancer. The bad news is that you totally annoyed your neighbor and now you owe her a copay!

    • Lynn
      April 26, 2011

      Ahhh…not to worry! I’ve known her since second grade and our kids are friends. I’m sure she didn’t mind!

  8. vodkamom
    April 27, 2011

    Oh sweet Lord.

    WHEW!!!!!!!!!

    • Lynn
      April 28, 2011

      i know, a huge relief right? hahahah

  9. Michele
    April 28, 2011

    As I’m new to your blog, I’m exceedingly glad you don’t have cancer. But just to make ME feel better, get it checked out. Then I don’t have to worry about loosing a good blogger. Cuz’ it’s all about me yanno! ;^)

    • Lynn
      April 28, 2011

      hahaha..i think i might just go get checked out in general but trust me, it was a pimple. I’m now scarred for life and will look like shit at my reunion because of it! hahaha

      oh, and thanks for reading!!!

      • Michele
        April 28, 2011

        scarred for life….mentally or physically? *snort*

        • Lynn
          April 28, 2011

          Physically!!!

  10. Alexandra
    May 2, 2011

    HUGE relief.

    I had 2 basal cells under my eye last year.

    Under my eye: 2 pinkish spots that wouldn’t heal.

    They were treated and now I live in SPF 800

    So glad you checked it out.

    • Lynn
      May 2, 2011

      well, i had a friend look at it while i was in the car. I actually DO need to go in and get a full check up.

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