This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
So I’m traveling back from ESPN so what you get here is a post I wrote last week. Just deal with it … or don’t.
I hate taking showers. I mean I take them, but I hate to. The reason is my hair. Well, that’s probably not the full reason. I was a swimmer and I had practice before school so I always took really quick showers. Most swimmers (or former swimmers) that I know take really fast showers.
However, what I really hate is dealing with my hair. If you know me, and I suppose even if you don’t, I have very curly hair. Curly hair is a colossal pain in the ass. I have to run my fingers through it to get the knots out during shampooing and then leave the conditioner in and EVEN THEN brushing it is a knotty nightmare.
After my shower, I have to use this big paddle brush to brush my hair. It takes forever. Then I put leave in conditioner and Aveda Confixor in the hair and then I let it dry. Eventually, after about 12 hours I think, it dries and poofs out and it’s like an alien life form. So yeah, that’s my hair.
Once it’s dry it can never be brushed again so when I wake up in the morning I put it back in a ponytail and go work out. After my workout I take a shower and start the entire fucking process all over again. End result: I hate taking showers because I hate dealing with my hair. What’s my point? Shut up, I have a story.
Sometimes if I know I don’t have to see anybody or look good for the rest of the day and I didn’t get sweaty (I’m not a person who sweats much … don’t ask) I will just jump in the shower and NOT wash my hair. I can do this because I have a handheld in my shower to I can shower but not shower, get it???
So yesterday was Sunday and I figured that I didn’t need to see anybody all day and since I was doing Pilates first thing in the morning I would just jump in the shower and not do my hair. No big deal right? WRONG.
So I do this. I take a shower and I don’t get my hair wet and it’s still back in a ponytail and I get out and get dressed and go into the living room and announce “fuck it, I’m not doing my hair today because it doesn’t matter what I look like.”
Keely and Kevin look at me and Kevin points out that we have a party to go to that night.
SHIT! I totally forgot the party.
Kevin: now you need to go take another shower
Me: I’m not taking another shower
Kevin: you have to do your hair
Me: I hate taking showers and I’m sure as hell not taking two of them in one day
Kevin: I love showers
Me: I know you do. You’re a water waster.
Keely: former swimmers never like showers Dad.
Me: goddamn it!
Kevin: you have no choice
So I go back into the bathroom and take my hair out of the barrette and ponytail and look at it. Basically, I look like I could have been in “Shaft” in the 60’s. I have this huge fro. I look in the mirror and look at the shower and figure, “I can fix this” and “I’m not getting back in the shower” and “I can improvise.”
I stick my head under the sink faucet and get it wet and think, “I can just add a little Aveda Confixor to this and it’ll curl all up” so I do that and go back in to the living room.
Kevin: what the hell did you do with your hair?
Me: I stuck it under the sink
Kevin: why didn’t you just hop back in the shower?
Me: I didn’t feel like getting all wet and then drying off all over again
Kevin: you didn’t feel like drying off?
Me: no Kevin, I didn’t feel like doing everything all over again
Kevin: that is never going to work. You’re going to hate your hair
Me: leave me alone
So all day Kevin keeps bugging me by saying “so how’s your hair looking” and then I run into the bathroom and think “well, it’s a little frizzy but it’s not like it’s a huge party and it’s no big deal so it’ll do.”
So I’m not loving my hair but it looks fine (on the surface) but it’s pretty dreadlocked underneath the top layer but I’m thinking “whatever.”
I go to the party and no less than 3 women ask me if I’ve gotten a haircut.
We get home and I’m telling Kevin that all these people were saying “Lynn, your hair looks a lot shorter” and I’m debating whether I should just tell them that it’s just completely matted and therefore all the curls are in a knot so it looks two inches shorter or should I just keep my mouth shut?
Kevin is cracking up because I can’t stand dealing with this bird’s nest on my head and for some reason people always want to discuss it.
Kevin: I told you to take another shower and wash it
Me: I should just shave it off
Kevin: you looked fine
Me: why can’t I just have real people hair?
So there’s the thing that dominated my Sunday? How was your day?