This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i had jury duty

 

I’ve been back in North Carolina since 1989 and I bet I’ve received a Jury Duty Summons six times but until today I’ve never actually had to REPORT for Jury Duty.  While I wasn’t THRILLED to be there, I figured I’d make the best of it and at the very LEAST perhaps I’d get a blog post out of it.  Here’s my take on the day but listen readers, this is a VERY GARBLED POST of my day with LOT’S OF THOUGHTS so don’t get all uptight if this post is ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!

 

This morning, before I came, I was trying to decide what to wear.  Do I look neat and business and professional like? Or like my normal slobby self? Which one is more likely to get me dismissed?  Upon consideration, I decided to be clean (I took a shower) but comfortable (which meant I was going to wear sneakers, leggings, and workout clothes). Hopefully I’ll look unfriendly and judgmental so they won’t pick me.

 So here is my “scattered” take on the day!

 

It’s 8:32 and I’ve already learned something!!

 

First of all, it’s a pain in the ass to find parking down here near the courthouse.  I found some meters but they were only for 4 hours so I figured THAT wouldn’t work however I finally went to a parking garage and stowed my car. I then walked in with a lovely young woman who was interning at the Guilford County DA’s office.  Because she knew where she was going, she led me directly to the line. A long line. Fortunately, jurors get to skip to the front.  I did.

 

Unfortunately, the line was equally long inside while we waited to go through security.  As I approached the check-in the guard at the check-in walked up to the guard at the front of the line and handed him a key.  He said, “she surrendered this so we don’t need to arrest her right?” to which the other guard replied “right.”

 

Did this piqué my curiosity? OF COURSE IT DID!  It was this tiny little toy looking key so I asked the guard “what is it?” because I’m all-curious like that.

 

“A handcuff key” he replied.  (REALLY? I had no idea that a handcuff key looked like it was found in a Cracker Jack Box.  Also, do people really walk around with handcuff keys?) “It’s against the law to bring one into the courthouse but if they surrender it they’re ok and we don’t arrest them.”

 

Holy shit!!! The thing looked like a toy and all of a sudden I was so excited.  Boy was I going to learn a lot today!!!!  It was conceivable that these 8 hours would be very important as I could learn ALL about the life of a criminal!!! PSYCH!!!

 

So I went up to the “sitting” room and I sat.  Eventually, the person in charge of the jury people walked in and gave us the score, which was as follows. There are 4 courtrooms; 2 criminal, 2 civil, with one civil jury already seated.  Ok, so far so good.  BUT uh-oh, there are not enough jurors present today for all 3 courtrooms so I might be on more than one jury today.  (Sweet! Ill just pronounce everyone GUILTY!!!  That’ll get rid of the people rapidly)

 

The thing is, we won’t even know until 10 or even 11 whether we will need to be on a jury or not.  (Ok, that’s ridiculous.  Why the hell do I need to be here if I’m not needed until 10 or 11 since its only 8:30 in the morning? This is bullshit! I totally could have gotten my spin class in)

 

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the woman was going through the steps of our day.

 

Step one:      affirmation.

We just promised to be impartial and non prejudicial and had to raise our right hand and swear something … ok, I’ll do my best

Step two:       excuses.

We are going over the reasons to be excused.

Dead … Nope

Not a United States citizen … Nope

Not a resident of Guilford county … Nope

Active Military duty… Nope

A felon … Nope

On parole … Nope

Don’t speak English … Nope

Under 18 or over 72 … Nope

Juror within the last 2 years … Nope

Physical or mental disability … Hmmmm, this one could be true but possibly difficult to prove

 

I guess Im not getting excused today BUT OMG!! About 30 people just got up to try to be excused.  There is NO WAY that all those people fall under those parameters.  I call bullshit but unfortunately, nobody asked me.

Step three:    We are forced to watch a video about “being a juror” that is NO DOUBT an Academy award winning film.  Holy shit it’s 14 minutes long and it’s called “you, The juror.”

Things I leaned in the video called “you, The Juror”

 

It’s not jury duty; it’s really a service and my contribution is valuable to the system. (Woah, theyre laying this bullshit on pretty thick!)

 

It’s part of our democratic tradition.  (I’m part of a historical longstanding tradition yeah me!!!)

 

You may never be called upon (hopefully) but I’m providing a service anyways. (yeah me again, Im doing this for YOU!)

 

NC has a unified system (all counties are the same). I didn’t know this!!!!!!  I didnt NEED to know this and I cant take any more of this shit. 

 

You just need good old-fashioned common sense to be a juror … Hahahah… Keely could NEVER be a juror

 

(Good news, I’ve handed out two business cards to my seatmates who asked what I was typing up.  I can become the most popular blog in the NC prison system if I play my cards right.)

 

OMG! It s 10:10 and we are still discussing rules. (Im seriously going to kill myself any minute) Like parking, where it’s free and where it’s not.  What the breaks are, where the vending machines are. How much you get paid which is $12/day for the first day and $20/day for the next days. Also, if you’re released from a courtroom you STILL have to come back and see if you go to a different courtroom.  The day ends at 5:00 and I’m sooooo bored!!!  Im going to die of boredom here. 

 

***** Sanity break ******

 

So, it’s 11:15 and we just had a 15-minute break from waiting so we can wait some more.  This is ridiculous.  They need two juries and they haven’t done shit yet.  Im done for a while.  Theres nothing NEW to report but I need to play some games on my iPad.  Ill be back later

 

Believe it or not, at 12:00 they let us out for lunch until 2:00 but we HAD to be back at 2:00.  I went home and showed up again at 2:00 and waited … and waited … and waited.  Finally, around 3:30 they called about half of the people back to be checked out for jury duty.  I wasn’t one of them so I waited some more… and I waited some more.

 

This is ridiculous.  Do you realize that if there are 100 people here and they each got $12/day then thats $1200 for ONE day in which NONE of us did anything.  This had got to be the most inefficient thing that Ive EVER been around.  I know Im in serious trouble when Im so bored that Im doing MATH to keep myself alive. 

 

FINALLY, at 4:45 they excused the rest of the jurors (which I was one of) and what do you think happened?  THAT’S RIGHT!  A friend of mine walked up to me and said “Lynn?  Were you in this juror room all day?” to which I replied, “yes, were you?” to which she replied, “YES!” too!

 

Holy shit!  We could have been best friends by now but instead I wasted the entire day thinking of how to revamp the justice system in the United States.

 

IN SUMMATION:  I was all ready to sentence people left and right and at the VERY least learn some useful criminal skills that I could incorporate into my post-apocalyptic skillset that I’m always working on.  Instead, my butt hurts from sitting all the damn day and I completely wasted my life.  Civic duty (I mean service) SUCKS!!!

 

I’m just saying …

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21 Comments

  1. By Word of Mouth Musings
    January 16, 2012

    Our tax dollars at work ;)
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..A Birthday Memory CapturedMy Profile

    • Lynn
      January 16, 2012

      i know right? it was crazy

  2. Jody
    January 16, 2012

    WOW! And I thought it was bad in Oregon. There is a big waiting game, and I think that they could revamp all the information they shove at you. Like only show the video and information to the people that HAVE BEEN chosen. I get called on a regular 2 year rotation for some reason. It gets old quickly. I don’t blame people for not wanting to serve. Because after this fiasco, I bet next time you skip town! LOL

  3. Lynn
    January 16, 2012

    i doubt i’ll skip town but it was ridiculous…

  4. Mayor Gia
    January 16, 2012

    Oof. A handcuff key is a good idea. If I decide to become a criminal, I’m going to start carrying one with me at all times. Makes escaping way easier.
    Mayor Gia recently posted..An Interview with a Polar Bear (and Alligator)My Profile

    • Lynn
      January 16, 2012

      i never saw one before…i never realized people carried their own key with them

  5. Vapid Vixen
    January 16, 2012

    This sounds like a kind of hell reserved for Dante’s Inferno. Glad you made it out alive and try not to spend your $12 all in one place.

    • Lynn
      January 16, 2012

      i know…i didn’t even use the free parking so $3 will be for that

  6. Sassy Pants Momma
    January 16, 2012

    I was on jury duty twice and I had a blast both times. Of course I wasn’t stuck waiting all day. I might have needed my own trial if I had to sit through that!

    • Lynn
      January 16, 2012

      i would have rather been ON a jury than just sitting all day doing nothing…

  7. Julie
    January 16, 2012

    Consider yourself lucky ~ I had to serve on a trial that went on for 4 days. Oh, and it was baseless. At the conclusion, we (the jury) wanted the stupid bitch (with her previously mentioned baseless case) to have to pay all of us out of her pocket for wasting our time.

    • Lynn
      January 16, 2012

      That would totally piss me off

  8. Claire Lopez
    January 16, 2012

    No doubt about it, jury duty is a barrel of monkeys! I always take a book and get lots of uninterrupted reading time.
    Claire Lopez recently posted..Sounds Heard at My House Over the WeekendMy Profile

    • Lynn
      January 16, 2012

      i had stuff to do too! it was just ridiculous how it was all organized though

  9. Bob Sample
    January 16, 2012

    “(Ok, that’s ridiculous. Why the hell do I need to be here if I’m not needed until 10 or 11 since its only 8:30 in the morning? This is bullshit! I totally could have gotten my spin class in)”

    oh cry me a fucking river. you don’t work anyway, this blog is bullshit, and you just need to be at the club to get your dainty spin class in every day.

    • Lynn
      January 16, 2012

      if it’s bullshit, why do you bother reading it?

  10. Loi
    January 16, 2012

    OMG i have had almost the same thoughts…all the time.

    and don’t listen to Mr Bob. He’s just jealous he’s not as fantastic as you are
    Loi recently posted..SOPA and how the Internet KICKED ASSMy Profile

  11. Alaina
    January 16, 2012

    $12 a day? That has to be a joke. I mean seriously, what can you get for only $12?

    I’d rather they keep the $12 and let me stay home.

    • Lynn
      January 16, 2012

      Me too!!! That wasn’t an option however

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