This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
In which i have a fish tale
I think I’ve talked a little about Gil and Herc, Andie’s two fish that I’m in charge of. I wrote a post about how stressful it was keeping them alive. Why everyone in this household is constantly trying to die I have no idea? Tucker has his tumor and has managed to parlay that into a constant stream of food. He literally has this entire household by the balls (metaphorically…I mean, Keely and I don’t have balls so to speak). Keely, as you know, is constantly having medical crises and these fish! THESE FISH!
So, on Saturday we brought Keely home from the hospital. After making her comfortable, I walked into check on the fish and the water was very cloudy. Heaving a gigantic sigh of resignation, I decided to clean the fish tank.
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First I have to lower the water level by taking a large pitcher and ferrying the water out one pitcher at a time to the kitchen.
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This takes about 3-4 trips.
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Then the water is low enough to get the fishies out. Andie has kindly left some little Tupperware bowls for me so I get Herc into one bowl and then Gil into the other.
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Once the fish are out, I take out the plants
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Then I carry the STILL VERY HEAVY TANK into the kitchen
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Pour out the old water without letting the rocks go down the disposal
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Oh shit! ROCKS
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Get the rocks out of the disposal
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Clean out all the rocks
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Rinse, lather, repeat
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Keep cleaning the rocks
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Clean the sides of the tank
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Refill the tank half way
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Make Daniel carry the tank back. I’m too damn old
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Put the tank back in the office
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Add the little water drop stuff to not kill the fish
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Put back the plants
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Top off the tank
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Turn to Gil and Herc and listen to their conversation
No really, I turned to look and they were both in their little Tupperware tanks and they were facing each other and this is what they were saying:
Herc: this woman doesn’t know what she’s doing
Gil: I know right?
Herc: I think she might be worse than that other curly haired kid who was our master
Gil: That kid was fun though right? She had a roommate and lots of friends
Herc: this lady just hangs at the computer talking to her dog
Gil: doesn’t she know dogs aren’t fish so they can’t talk?
Herc: I think she’s going to kill us
Gil: I hate owners; it’s just a tank. How complicated is that?
Herc: I know right?
Gil: oh, she’s looking at us.
Herc: just pretend that we’re swimming
Gil: we are swimming man
So yeah, there was that…
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Pour out some of Herc’s dirty water and put him in the tank
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Pour out some of Gil’s dirty water and put him in the tank
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Put the little air bubble thingie in the tank
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Plug the air thingie in
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Put the water system back
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Plug in the water system
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Look at the fish. Are they swimming?
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Figure you just saved the world
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Except … 20 minutes later you hear all sorts of banging
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Run in to the office
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Unplug all the plugs
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Realize that you forgot to add water to the water filter so you probably burned out the engine
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Add water
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Plug everything back in
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The water filter is dead … burned out … broke
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Surely the fish will die now. And don’t call me Shirley
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Watch the fish … still swimming
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Send Kevin out to buy a new filter
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Explain to Andie that you may or may not have burned out the filter
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Explain to Andie that you may or may not have killed her fish
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Explain to Andie that you have kept her sister alive though
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And her brother
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And her dog
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And her cat
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But possibly not the fish
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Kevin comes back with the new filter
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You ask Kevin to handle the filter because you are giving Keely a shower
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Hear Kevin call you
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Come into the office and have Kevin tell you that the filter hadn’t been plugged in
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Wait! What?
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Kevin plugs the filter in
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The filter works
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The original filter works
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Shit! After you unplugged it to add water you forgot to plug it back in
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You accidentally plugged the light in instead
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Damn it!
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Text Andie that you had never plugged the filter in
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Andie laughs at you
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Kevin laughs at you
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Keely laughs at you
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Daniel laughs at you
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You’re pretty sure that Gilgamesh and Hercules are laughing at you
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You laugh at you
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The filter works
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The water is clean
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You have a new filter to return
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Perhaps you should save it. I mean, come on, there’s bound to be other problems
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After all, you’re just on week one
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You’ll never survive these fish
This is one hell of a fish tale!!
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Lynn MacDonald Art
Haha I love number 21. “Honey, the fish are dead. But Keely is still alive, thanks to ME. So, you’re welcome…”
Mayor Gia recently posted..Wooing Boyfriend: An Inappropriate Love Story
hahaha…that sentence cracked me up
Crap…thanks for reminding me to change Walter’s tank. *sigh*…..off I go.
see? this was like a public service announcement?
Yeah. My kids had bettas for a couple of years, but my record for keeping one alive was six months. I’m better with dogs who tell you when something sucks by coming over and annoying you until you FIX IT LADY.
these fish are the bane of my existence and thats saying a LOT
So tell me Lynn, Do you like Gladiator movies?
of course! We watch Gladiator every single week and it’s my funeral music!!
hence the fact that the fish are my husband’s job. at least your fish seem to be celibate. Our little ho and her pimp have had about 30 babies so far.
hahaha…perhaps they’re the same sex. how do you tell???
That was hilarious ~ and so true! I went through that shit for 4 years with Mr. Fish until I could find him a new family. That itty-bitty goldfish turned into a freakin carp that was too large to flush!
hahaha…hope that doesn’t happen here
We had so many fish die on us as children that I’m permanently scarred. Images of things floating belly-up, or torn to shreds by a filter, do horrible things to the mind of a 5-year-old.
oh no. i have never had fish before and they’re temporary in my house (unless i kill them i suppose)
LOL Well, you did a great job nonetheless cause the fish didn’t die. *YAY*
This reminds me of two friends though. ‘Friend A’ had salt water pet fish. She one day realized how ‘guilty’ she felt about keeping fish in a tank and she thought that she would free them. (I guess she got drunk by her inner heroine.) So she asked ‘Friend B’ to go with her to the stream to free the fish from bondage.
After what would appear to be a sentimental moment…
Friend A : (says to fishes) I’m so sorry. You deserve your freedom.
(Releases fish into water) Now, go! Live free!
Friend B : Uhm. Wait. Aren’t those salt water fish?
Friend A : Yes.
Friend B : Uhm. Well, this isn’t salt water…
Friend A : *GASP*SCREAMS*RUNS DOWN STREAM* I FUCKING KILLED THEM!
LOL oh the irony.
Dylan Lin Calista recently posted..She Only Wanted To Poke People
I think that if you’ve kept the people alive (#s 21 and 22) you’ve done more than enough. Give yourself a pat on the back and call it a day.
Love your articles! And please don’t stop giving updates on Keely.
Lynn:
I told Kevin this story earlier in the week- just now have time to type it for you– Robert has this “Duke” blue betta fish named “Glenn” that has survived for over 18 months without dying on us. So the last two times that I have taken a week of vacation I take the fish to the office and “force” someone to feed him while I am gone. This year I torment the new Finance guy to feed the fish- and I remind him before I leave on Friday that this is the most improtant thing you have to do!! All goes well, back on Monday (6/18) and Glenn the betta fish is still alive!! But at 11:00 camp calls and stays that Robert has fainted and I need to pick him up!! So long story short- we come back by the office to retrieve “Glenn” and I park at the door – run in grab the tank and all his stuff- getting ready to open my car door- I take hold of the handle on top of the tank (I have told Robert numerous times- DO NOT HOLD THAT TANK BY THE HANDLE!!!) and of course the handle breaks, the tank hits the hot pavement and everything goes to h@#%!! I am down on my hands and knees (did I mention in a dress and the boardroom is full of visitors) hunting this freaking fish!!! I had to pray and back the car out of the parking spot to find him— sure enough he was laying under the car— Robert is crying his eyes out!! I grab Glenn , run inside and put him in a cup of water– he is still alive today!!!!! What we do for our kids and their fish!!!!