This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i have a fish tale

 

I think I’ve talked a little about Gil and Herc, Andie’s two fish that I’m in charge of.  I wrote a post about how stressful it was keeping them alive.  Why everyone in this household is constantly trying to die I have no idea?  Tucker has his tumor and has managed to parlay that into a constant stream of food.  He literally has this entire household by the balls (metaphorically…I mean, Keely and I don’t have balls so to speak).  Keely, as you know, is constantly having medical crises and these fish! THESE FISH!

 

So, on Saturday we brought Keely home from the hospital.  After making her comfortable, I walked into check on the fish and the water was very cloudy. Heaving a gigantic sigh of resignation, I decided to clean the fish tank.

 

  1. First I have to lower the water level by taking a large pitcher and ferrying the water out one pitcher at a time to the kitchen.

  2. This takes about 3-4 trips.

  3. Then the water is low enough to get the fishies out.  Andie has kindly left some little Tupperware bowls for me so I get Herc into one bowl and then Gil into the other.

  4. Once the fish are out, I take out the plants

  5. Then I carry the STILL VERY HEAVY TANK into the kitchen

  6. Pour out the old water without letting the rocks go down the disposal

  7. Oh shit! ROCKS

  8. Get the rocks out of the disposal

  9. Clean out all the rocks

  10. Rinse, lather, repeat

  11. Keep cleaning the rocks

  12. Clean the sides of the tank

  13. Refill the tank half way

  14. Make Daniel carry the tank back. I’m too damn old

  15. Put the tank back in the office

  16. Add the little water drop stuff to not kill the fish

  17. Put back the plants

  18. Top off the tank

  19. Turn to Gil and Herc and listen to their conversation

 

No really, I turned to look and they were both in their little Tupperware tanks and they were facing each other and this is what they were saying:

 

Herc:               this woman doesn’t know what she’s doing

Gil:                   I know right?

Herc:               I think she might be worse than that other curly haired kid who was our master

Gil:                   That kid was fun though right? She had a roommate and lots of friends

Herc:               this lady just hangs at the computer talking to her dog

Gil:                   doesn’t she know dogs aren’t fish so they can’t talk?

Herc:               I think she’s going to kill us

Gil:                   I hate owners; it’s just a tank. How complicated is that?

Herc:               I know right?

Gil:                   oh, she’s looking at us.

Herc:               just pretend that we’re swimming

Gil:                   we are swimming man

So yeah, there was that…

 

  1. Pour out some of Herc’s dirty water and put him in the tank

  2. Pour out some of Gil’s dirty water and put him in the tank

  3. Put the little air bubble thingie in the tank

  4. Plug the air thingie in

  5. Put the water system back

  6. Plug in the water system

  7. Look at the fish. Are they swimming?

  8. Figure you just saved the world

  9. Except … 20 minutes later you hear all sorts of banging

  10. Run in to the office

  11. Unplug all the plugs

  12. Realize that you forgot to add water to the water filter so you probably burned out the engine

  13. Add water

  14. Plug everything back in

  15. The water filter is dead … burned out … broke

  16. Surely the fish will die now.  And don’t call me Shirley

  17. Watch the fish … still swimming

  18. Send Kevin out to buy a new filter

  19. Explain to Andie that you may or may not have burned out the filter

  20. Explain to Andie that you may or may not have killed her fish

  21. Explain to Andie that you have kept her sister alive though

  22. And her brother

  23. And her dog

  24. And her cat

  25. But possibly not the fish

  26. Kevin comes back with the new filter

  27. You ask Kevin to handle the filter because you are giving Keely a shower

  28. Hear Kevin call you

  29. Come into the office and have Kevin tell you that the filter hadn’t been plugged in

  30. Wait! What?

  31. Kevin plugs the filter in

  32. The filter works

  33. The original filter works

  34. Shit! After you unplugged it to add water you forgot to plug it back in

  35. You accidentally plugged the light in instead

  36. Damn it!

  37. Text Andie that you had never plugged the filter in

  38. Andie laughs at you

  39. Kevin laughs at you

  40. Keely laughs at you

  41. Daniel laughs at you

  42. You’re pretty sure that Gilgamesh and Hercules are laughing at you

  43. You laugh at you

  44. The filter works

  45. The water is clean

  46. You have a new filter to return

  47. Perhaps you should save it.  I mean, come on, there’s bound to be other problems

  48. After all, you’re just on week one

  49. You’ll never survive these fish

 

This is one hell of a fish tale!!

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18 Comments

  1. Mayor Gia
    June 18, 2012

    Haha I love number 21. “Honey, the fish are dead. But Keely is still alive, thanks to ME. So, you’re welcome…”
    Mayor Gia recently posted..Wooing Boyfriend: An Inappropriate Love StoryMy Profile

    • Lynn
      June 18, 2012

      hahaha…that sentence cracked me up

  2. Faith.The Blond.
    June 18, 2012

    Crap…thanks for reminding me to change Walter’s tank. *sigh*…..off I go.

    • Lynn
      June 18, 2012

      see? this was like a public service announcement?

  3. Jester Queen
    June 18, 2012

    Yeah. My kids had bettas for a couple of years, but my record for keeping one alive was six months. I’m better with dogs who tell you when something sucks by coming over and annoying you until you FIX IT LADY.

    • Lynn
      June 18, 2012

      these fish are the bane of my existence and thats saying a LOT

  4. Julie
    June 18, 2012

    So tell me Lynn, Do you like Gladiator movies?

    • Lynn
      June 18, 2012

      of course! We watch Gladiator every single week and it’s my funeral music!!

  5. mara
    June 18, 2012

    hence the fact that the fish are my husband’s job. at least your fish seem to be celibate. Our little ho and her pimp have had about 30 babies so far.

    • Lynn
      June 18, 2012

      hahaha…perhaps they’re the same sex. how do you tell???

  6. Lisa V
    June 18, 2012

    That was hilarious ~ and so true! I went through that shit for 4 years with Mr. Fish until I could find him a new family. That itty-bitty goldfish turned into a freakin carp that was too large to flush!

    • Lynn
      June 18, 2012

      hahaha…hope that doesn’t happen here

  7. JustMe
    June 18, 2012

    We had so many fish die on us as children that I’m permanently scarred. Images of things floating belly-up, or torn to shreds by a filter, do horrible things to the mind of a 5-year-old.

    • Lynn
      June 18, 2012

      oh no. i have never had fish before and they’re temporary in my house (unless i kill them i suppose)

  8. Dylan Lin Calista
    June 18, 2012

    LOL Well, you did a great job nonetheless cause the fish didn’t die. *YAY*

    This reminds me of two friends though. ‘Friend A’ had salt water pet fish. She one day realized how ‘guilty’ she felt about keeping fish in a tank and she thought that she would free them. (I guess she got drunk by her inner heroine.) So she asked ‘Friend B’ to go with her to the stream to free the fish from bondage.

    After what would appear to be a sentimental moment…

    Friend A : (says to fishes) I’m so sorry. You deserve your freedom.
    (Releases fish into water) Now, go! Live free!

    Friend B : Uhm. Wait. Aren’t those salt water fish?

    Friend A : Yes.

    Friend B : Uhm. Well, this isn’t salt water…

    Friend A : *GASP*SCREAMS*RUNS DOWN STREAM* I FUCKING KILLED THEM!

    LOL oh the irony.
    Dylan Lin Calista recently posted..She Only Wanted To Poke PeopleMy Profile

  9. Lisa Sinicki
    June 19, 2012

    I think that if you’ve kept the people alive (#s 21 and 22) you’ve done more than enough. Give yourself a pat on the back and call it a day.

  10. Gigi
    June 23, 2012

    Love your articles! And please don’t stop giving updates on Keely.

  11. Mary
    June 24, 2012

    Lynn:

    I told Kevin this story earlier in the week- just now have time to type it for you– Robert has this “Duke” blue betta fish named “Glenn” that has survived for over 18 months without dying on us. So the last two times that I have taken a week of vacation I take the fish to the office and “force” someone to feed him while I am gone. This year I torment the new Finance guy to feed the fish- and I remind him before I leave on Friday that this is the most improtant thing you have to do!! All goes well, back on Monday (6/18) and Glenn the betta fish is still alive!! But at 11:00 camp calls and stays that Robert has fainted and I need to pick him up!! So long story short- we come back by the office to retrieve “Glenn” and I park at the door – run in grab the tank and all his stuff- getting ready to open my car door- I take hold of the handle on top of the tank (I have told Robert numerous times- DO NOT HOLD THAT TANK BY THE HANDLE!!!) and of course the handle breaks, the tank hits the hot pavement and everything goes to h@#%!! I am down on my hands and knees (did I mention in a dress and the boardroom is full of visitors) hunting this freaking fish!!! I had to pray and back the car out of the parking spot to find him— sure enough he was laying under the car— Robert is crying his eyes out!! I grab Glenn , run inside and put him in a cup of water– he is still alive today!!!!! What we do for our kids and their fish!!!!

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