This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i have the best birds and bees conversation EVER aka Tucker and the Turkey

Do you like the song “Creep” by Radiohead?  I love it and play it on repeat constantly.  I’m actually considering making it one of my “Top 3 songs that I would listen to on a desert island.”  I haven’t decided yet.  You don’t have to answer.  I was just wondering and truly, it has nothing to do with the post today.  It’s just that I was listening to it on the way home from spinning and I was curious…

So, as I was pondering what direction to go in for my writing today, I realized that there are a few stories that are “over the top” and should definitely be written down in the Annals of MacDonald folklore.  This is one such story that my family refers to as “Tucker and the Turkey” or as you will come to know it “The Best Birds and Bees Conversation EVAH!!!”

Let me begin with a little background.  First of all Andie, my second child, is possibly the most tenacious, stubborn human being in the world.  Well, actually Keely is right up there too but for story-telling purposes let’s just say that Andie is that person.  When she was younger, like all my kids, she had bad ear infections.  So bad in fact, that our ENT dubbed her his “patient with the worst ears.”  To this day, my 20 year old daughter STILL gets ear infections.  When she was younger, she had that antibiotic resistant staff infection so many times that a specialty ear powder had to be made for her.   Because of this, we had to take her in to get her ears drained CONSTANTLY.  Was she cooperative?  No, she was not.  I can’t tell you how many times we had to strap Andie down to a backboard to keep her still during the procedure.  The ENT told me she was one of the most tenacious kids he had ever seen.  So, the point of this little paragraph is that Andie is like a dog with a bone, once she wants to know something, look out!  She’s never stop until she finds out what she wants and won’t let you get out of explaining it to her.

This tale also involves Tucker.  Who is Tucker?  Tucker is my dog.  We got him at 4 months and he is the cutest, most fucked up dog on earth.   We think he was abused when he was younger because he is scared of his own shadow and spends much of his life under the bed in our master bedroom.  He won’t come out for anything, no matter how much we try.  We actually keep a long roller in there to force him out if we need him.  So that’s the setup.  Andie = stubborn.  Tucker = scared shitless dog hiding under the bed.

When the kids were younger but beginning activities, I, like many other moms, spent much time shuttling them around.  Since the younger kids couldn’t stay home alone, Daniel spent his childhood in the back seat of the car.  One day, when Andie was in 5th grade and Daniel was in 2nd, we were driving around town on various errands.  I drive a large SUV so Andie was in the second bench seat and Daniel was in the third.  Andie and I had the following conversation:

Andie:             “Mom, we had sex education today.”

Me:                 “Really? I’d forgotten they started in 5th grade.”

Andie:             “I have some questions.”

Me:                 (glancing at Daniel in my rear view mirror.  He was looking out the window)  “What’s that Andie?”

Andie:             “I have some questions that I don’t understand.”

Me:                 “Well, why don’t we wait until we get home and discuss this.”

Because of Keely, I knew that in 5th grade, in the first year of sex education they basically separated the boys and girls and explained to each how their “equipment” was different.  They also explained about periods and things like that.  They don’t explain about actual SEX at this time, they just explain how these things work together.  But Andie being Andie, wouldn’t let the subject drop.

Andie:             “Mom, I can’t figure it out.”

Me:                 “Andie, let’s talk about this later.”

Andie:             “Mom, I want to know something.”

I look back at Daniel and notice that he’s started to pay attention to our conversation.

Andie:             “Mom, how does the penis know how to find the vagina?”

Me:                 (sputtering) “What?”

Andie:             “How does the penis know WHERE to go?”

I looked in the rear view mirror and Daniel looked stricken.  I was pretty sure he never thought of that thing hanging out in his pants as something that had ANYTHING to do with vaginas.  I mean sure, he knew what vaginas were because he’d bathed with his sisters when they were babies … but still.

Me:                 (I’m started to get a little panicked here) “Andie, let’s discuss this at home”

Andie:             “No Mom, I don’t get it and I want to know: how does the penis know where to go?”

Me:                 “Andie!  Your brother is in the car!”

By this point, Daniel was white as a sheet.  He was only 8 and he’d never really thought about any of this.

Andie:             “I mean, I know the penis fits in there but HOW does it get it there?  Does somebody have to put it in there?  How does it happen?

OMG!  This was a fucking nightmare!  Here I am, stuck in the car driving with a child who won’t shut up and another one in a catatonic state of shock and I know – I KNOW – I  need to stop the conversation ASAP.  My brain was scrambling to come up with a solution.

Me:                 “Andie, it’s like Tucker and the turkey.”

Andie:             “What?”

I was starting to relax a bit because hey,  I GOT THIS!

Me:                  “Yeah, it’s just like Tucker and the turkey!”

Andie:             “I don’t get it!”

Me:                 “Well, you know how Tucker spends his entire life under the bed in my room?”

Andie:             “Yeah”

Me:                 “… and you know how my room is a long way from the kitchen?”

Andie:             “Yeah.”

Me:                 “Well, the minute we take the turkey out of the refrigerator, no matter how much turkey we have and no matter what’s going on, Tucker is somehow in the kitchen?”

Andie:             “Yeah.”

Me:                 “He just materializes in the kitchen because he just KNOWS there’s turkey there!”

Andie:             “Okay…”

Me:                 “Well, sex is just like that!  The penis just KNOWS”

(Long pause from Andie here while I hold my breath).

Andie:             “OHHHHH… the penis just KNOWS!”

Me:                 “Yeah.”

Andie:             “…just like Tucker knows there’s turkey and finds it the penis just KNOWS there’s a vagina and finds it?”

Me:                 “Yeah”

Andie:             “Okay, I get it now.”

Me:                 “Good…do you think it’s possible to have the rest of this conversation when we get home?”

Andie:             “Sure mom.”

So there you are.  BEST BIRDS AND BEES SPEECH EVAH!

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66 Comments

  1. Abby
    February 3, 2011

    BAHAHAHAHA! And now I know how to handle my nephew’s questions.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      I know right? Funniest explanation ever! Totally works and we always refer to “Tucker and the Turkey”

      • Abby
        February 3, 2011

        My family calls it “reading the funny papers.”

        You just gave me tomorrow’s post too! Wow you’re useful, Lynn! lol

        • Lynn
          February 3, 2011

          I’m glad I could be of help Abby!

  2. LilPixi
    February 3, 2011

    Wow, that’s great! Hahaha! What’s also funny about it is that it’s pretty much the truth in a metaphorical sense too. Haha.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Honestly, it’s one of the funniest stories ever…and a great example too!

  3. Jenny, Bloggess
    February 3, 2011

    Love it.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Thanks…and may i say that i absolutely loved your pony idea. I tried to read it out loud but i was laughing too hard so my husband shook his head in disgust and walked out. You are funny as shit…and honestly, i rarely admit that!!!

  4. Kimberly
    February 3, 2011

    Poor Daniel! Did he recover? And I’m seriously impressed with your quick thinking answer.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      He’s fine…although he might know way more stuff about tampons and periods than any boy EVER needed to know.

  5. cathy
    February 3, 2011

    You are sooooo right…

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Yep! A great analogy

  6. Reshma
    February 3, 2011

    OMG!!! This was hillarious! I can only imagine what kinds of scars your son received from that conversation.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Well, none of us have ever looked at my dog in the same way again…and so many people I know use this conversation in their life as a reference.

  7. Nic
    February 3, 2011

    Totally the BEST one I’ve heard so far!

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      I feel it should be used as a textbook answer, right?

  8. Leigh Ann @ The Twin Spin
    February 3, 2011

    Lynn, you’re a genius.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Hahaha…I don’t know about that but I can certainly think on my feet! I love this story!

  9. myevil3yearold
    February 3, 2011

    BAAAAHAAAHAAA! I love it. I am not sure about the best but it is the funniest. I am going to steal it. I just hope I have a few years

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Feel free to use it…it’s the perfect explanation

  10. tracy@sellabitmum
    February 3, 2011

    Oh my – I often have pondered that question myself…

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      And now you know!!!

  11. schmutzie
    February 3, 2011

    I like how he seems to think his bits have some kind of sentience. Hilarious.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      The kid is ruined, I swear that if he was with a girl who got her period, he could explain to her WHAT a tampon is and how to use it. My girls have no shame! Nope, none at all

  12. The Domestic Goddess
    February 3, 2011

    That was effing hilarious. Not that I mean to laugh at you or anything. No. It’s just…BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Sorry. Thanks for sharing.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      I tell everyone that story! It’s just SO.DAMN.FUNNY.

  13. Sherry
    February 3, 2011

    I laughed so hard!!! because that is where I am at I am a few months away from the discussion, He is 4th grade and clueless (I tried to see if he knew anything….Nothing and no interest in sex)
    So I can picture this discussion with my son the same way the same persistence with a little knowledge. so I feel I can relate.
    Thanks for making me smile and giggle

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Feel free to use the analogy…everyone around here does now!

  14. Name *
    February 3, 2011

    I’m JUST at the “how does the penis know where to go” part of this conversation with my daughter. I’ve been putting her off for a few days now. I now know what to say: TURKEY! It’s perfect.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      I’m so happy to help you out! Kids, they’re relentless in their search for knowledge!

  15. Keely
    February 3, 2011

    I’m now utterly in terror about the next few years.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Just assume that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong…and you’ll be fine

  16. Natalie
    February 3, 2011

    While we didn’t discuss dogs & turkeys, I had a similiar convo with my oldest when he was in 5th grade. He knew the anatomy of males & females. He knew SOMETHING happened to make the baby. The science he had? The general practice? Very confusing.

    Grasping at straws, I told him it was like a puzzle. The two pieces fit together like puzzle pieces. And then everything was clear.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      That’s a good one too! Sometimes, it’s just grasping at straws…I didn’t have time to think. We still refer to sex in this house as Tucker and the turkey!

  17. Crayon Wrangler
    February 3, 2011

    Thanksgiving will probably be ruined around here from now on. I will never see turkey in the same light and don’t get me started on the word “stuffing”.
    Thank you Lynn, I needed this today!

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Ahhh, I’d hug you if I could. Hope things improve!

  18. vodkamom@gmail.com
    February 3, 2011

    oh sweet JESUS. I’m gonna totally use that one.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      I’m good right? Feel free to use it

  19. Sharon
    February 3, 2011

    Now THAT WAS GOOD! Best Evvvaaah is right!

    I was laughing and thinking how hard it must have been for you to figure your way out of that jam. . . and then it happened. . . Of course it makes sense just like Tucker and Turkey.

    You should probably share that wealth of knowledge with elementary teachers who have these questions asked before 5th grade!

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Hahaha…can you imagine me going into a fifth grade class and teaching this to them? Hahahaha

  20. Melissa
    February 3, 2011

    haha! That’s awesome! Poor Daniel though scared for life maybe. :)

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Haha, nope he’s awesome and probably capable of teaching a course on what girls are like when they have their periods and stuff! Hahaha

  21. Tara
    February 3, 2011

    Ha! Great answer Lynn! Really funny post!

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Thanks…it’s just some of that out-of-the-box thinking that Kara, I mean me, is know for! Hahaha. Thanks for reading

  22. Jackie
    February 3, 2011

    LOL!!! Perfect…absolutely perfect! I now know exactly what to do with my kids.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Yep…I could write a book!

  23. Robin
    February 3, 2011

    Lynn, you are too funny.

    • Lynn
      February 3, 2011

      Hey, I love this story…one of my favs!

  24. Walt
    February 3, 2011

    The best ever, I know what to use with the girls when they get older!

    • Lynn
      February 4, 2011

      Or, just let me take over as their mentor…hahaha

  25. @MartaMInteriors
    February 3, 2011

    I have one– real life conversation from about 5th grade:

    dad: we should talk about a few things.

    son: oh, dad, you’re not gonna talk about sex, are you? I already know everything.

    dad: really? How do you know about sex?

    son: my friends told me.

    dad: ah- have your friends HAD sex?

    son: OH, DAD!!! NO!!!!!

    dad: ok, I have — so just let me tell you – I’m an expert.

    • Lynn
      February 4, 2011

      Hahaha…was that Alan or Mark? I suspect they were older though

  26. Rebecca @ Unexplained X2
    February 4, 2011

    Yes, you definitely rock. I would have been panicking too!!! Your poor son…now he’s probably wondering what his penis knows!

    • Lynn
      February 4, 2011

      Thankfully, he has ended up being pretty laid back. It’s certainly not something that WE discuss! Hahaha

  27. Name *Ambivalence
    February 4, 2011

    Comment A great article. You made me laugh reading it.

    • Lynn
      February 4, 2011

      Thanks…I’m here for that purpose only!

  28. [...] in a post by fellow blogger, Lynn of All Fooked Up, she referenced the band Radiohead. Specifically, the song Creep. Read her blog. It’s [...]

  29. ragemichelle
    February 5, 2011

    Ha! That is freaking awesome. Being the great mom I am, I used to threaten my older son with ‘having the talk’ as a way to get him to do his chores. As in “Either you unload the dishwasher or we’re having the sex talk”. I got a good year of use out of that tactic.

    • Lynn
      February 5, 2011

      hahaha..i unfortunately, never got to that point!

  30. Wombat Central
    April 15, 2011

    Truly the best sex talk ever! :D

    Also? LOVE “Creep.” It’s the song I’d sing on American Idol if I could sing. Which I can’t. But that doesn’t stop me from belting out that bad boy in the car when I’m alone.

    • Lynn
      April 15, 2011

      me too! I listen to that song repeatedly…thanks for finding me!
      I love that sex talk too!

  31. Casie
    May 31, 2011

    Oh… my… GOD!! WHERE is the follow button on your blog?! This was too good to not follow!

    Found you through Time Travel Tuesday

    • Lynn
      May 31, 2011

      Main page…at the bottom. Go for it

  32. Katja Brown
    June 13, 2011

    Good analogy! Would have liked to find out how the rest of the conversation went!

    • Lynn
      June 13, 2011

      Well, that conversation is famous in our house…we just referred to it as Tucker and the Turkey

  33. Abel
    June 22, 2011

    That is SO not where I thought you were going with Tucker and the turkey. I seriously thought your dog …had relations… with a turkey! Hilarious, though, and I hope I have about 10 years before I have my wife tell our daughter about Tucker.

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