This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i just had to share this


 

I didn’t write this but the minute I read it I knew that I had to share it.  I’m not sure where it originally comes from and I would be happy to attribute this to the author if I had a clue who it was.  It was actually on a friends LiveJournal account from Australia.  At any rate, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

 

 This was on the LiveJournal Page

Not written by me. I don’t know who actually did write it or I would attribute. Found on various messageboards and facebook posts; towns vary from Karratha, Newman and Port Hedland (For the non West Aussies, those are all towns in the North of WA in the Pilbara. AKA hot and dry.)

 

DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA.

August 31 – Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my new home. I love it here.

 

September 13 – Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a sun-worshipper.

 

September 30th – Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

 

October 10th – The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.

 

October 15th – Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

 

October 20th – Didn’t notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I’ve earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

 

October 25 – This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin’ blow dryer. And it’s hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin’ Perth …

 

October 30th – The temperature’s up around 40 and the parts still haven’t arrived for the fuckin’ aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

 

November 4 – Finally got the ol’ aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

 

November 8 – If one more smart arse says ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to fuckin’ throttle him. Fuckin’ heat! By the time I get to work, the car’s radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin’ wet and I smell like baked cat!

 

November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol’ car. I thought my fuckin’ arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin’ arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

 

November 10 – Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin’ recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin’ sunny! It’s been too hot to do anything for two fuckin’ months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

 

November 15 – Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn fuckin’ place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin’ pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin’ flies. You don’t dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!

 

November 20th – Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin’ degrees today. Now the air conditioner’s gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin’ Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin’ idiot would want to live here!

 

December 1 – WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin’ kidding!

 

 

HAHAHAHA…well, i thought it was funny!!!

 

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8 Comments

  1. jomama
    June 15, 2012

    Just like here in South Texas. I get sunburnt just walking to the barn!

  2. Jaime Reize
    June 15, 2012

    You certainly made me chuckle – okay, maybe I laughed a little harder than that. It is just a great example of how your expectations and what you experience in the world can be totally different.
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  3. Born27
    June 15, 2012

    Thanks for sharing this diaries that made me freaken’ laugh about it! lol! It’s already summer and everybody will agree to me that most of us are all excited to have sunburn at our backs!
    Let’s go swimming!
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  4. Jester Queen
    June 15, 2012

    Somebody will be moving back to Olde Englande soon!!

  5. Kristen
    June 15, 2012

    Sounds like west Texas. Dry heat. But this dude has a pool, what’s he crying about?

  6. Dylan
    June 16, 2012

    Geeeyeah…

    It does get a tad bloody hot in Australia but this guy does have a pool so that shouldn’t be too bad. AND if he has a pool, he should have air conditioning, too but then why would anyone wanna buy a house for that amount of money only to have the basic essentials (one of them) screwed?

    The cat part made me cringe because I had cats and let me tell you, cat shit and cat piss is definitely NOT something pleasant in odor or in any way, shape or form…and for the poor dead kitty to swell up into the size of a shopping bag is just…ugh…the stench in the Aussie heat makes cow shit a ten fold more appealing.

    Uhm. Yeah…Christmas in Australia is very HOT.
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  7. Anitte Chanes
    June 18, 2012

    I love reading this diary. Here in our place it is really hot. It is time to spend often at the beach.
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  8. Kate Bill
    June 20, 2012

    Too much heat is really bad for the health and for the body. So, when you feel hot, you must need refreshment such as drinking cold drinks or if will not ease your warm feeling it is the time stay at the beach.
    Kate Bill recently posted..Hoodia Gordonii : Use it to Lose WeightMy Profile

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