This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i knew i’d die

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So you guys know that I’m up in Maine right? I mean, you should because I told you.  I could go on and on about how beautiful it is up here but I won’t because a) this is not that type of post and b) I’m typing directly into WordPress and c) there’s no autocorrect so excuse the hell out of me for my mistakes and mostly d) I’m going to describe my trip up here.

 

Basically, to get here I flew from Greensboro to Newark and then from Newark to Boston.  In Boston I was taking a flight from Boston to Rockland, Maine on Cape Air Airlines. Now I haven’t flown on Cape Air before but they took us outside to the tarmac and we started walking.  There were bunches of planes, all of them tiny, and I was thinking “no this can’t be” because these were really small planes.

 

Sure enough, we ended up at this tiny plane and I knew for a fact that I was going to die.  Besides me, there were two men, a grandmother and granddaughter and a young couple with 6 month old twins.  TWO BABIES!

 

They had asked our weight and of course, I had shaved a few pounds off and I was worried that perhaps everyone had therefore the plane would wreck.  They made us put down our pocketbooks and they told me that mine was “too large” therefore it would have to ride IN THE WING!  Truthfully, I felt like Fred Flintstone riding on Teradactyl Airlines.  Don’t know that reference?? You’re too young then … go away.

 

So we get onto the plane and I’m sitting directly behind the pilot who still looks prepubescent.  He starts talking and both babies start screaming and even I, seated behind him, can’t hear him.  What I’m really worried about is that the guy sitting in the co-pilots seat looks like he wants to press buttons and I’m pretty sure that would be a bad idea. I don’t trust him.

 

We start taxiing down the runway and the pilot opens his window with his left hand and seriously, he’s taxiing down LOGAN with one hand on the wheel and one hand holding the window open.  I’m thinking “seriously? IS THIS GUY GONNA FLY WITH THE WINDOW OPEN?” and also “is he tall enough to see out the window?” and also “WTF?” and also “I’M GONNA DIE” but we get to the end of the taxiway.

 

It’s time to take and we start revving our engines (they work) and start rolling and I see a plane landing on the runway next to us EXCEPT it’s NOT parallel to us, it’s crossing our runway.

 

SHIT!

 

Seriously, this time I thought we’d die.  At first I was like “okay we’ll probably be in the air before the other plane gets to our spot” and then I thought “obviously they don’t understand geometry and trajectories” and then I thought “I should have finished my will” and then we took off and I realized the other plane had quit rolling so I would probably live.

 

Well, unless that moron in the co-pilots seat hit some buttons.  By now the window was closed and the babies were screaming but it didn’t matter because the engines were so FUCKING loud that the babies were a nice harmony.

 

Long story short, I lived but the good news is that I HAVE TO FLY back to Boston.  Bet you can’t wait for that huh??

 

 

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8 Comments

  1. Julie
    August 29, 2013

    Damn that ‘pocketbook’!!

    • Lynn
      August 29, 2013

      I know right? They put it in the wing!!!!!!

  2. Theresa
    August 29, 2013

    The good news? You got all 3 children raised and into one of the finest Universities in the land…DUKE! The bad news…Duke costs money, and there is no way you will die before all of the checks are written, and cars packed and unpacked a billion more times…and then there is your walk on the red carpet with Keely in Hollywood… So you see too much to do to die… So fasten your seat belt…It is gonna be a bumpy ride!

    P.S. Hilarious about Fred Flintstone!

    • Lynn
      August 29, 2013

      Figured lots if readers wouldn’t get the flint stones reference. Yeah for us

  3. mark
    August 29, 2013

    nice way to malign a conscientious pilot. be glad your bags and everything else was weighed, stored. a charter like that HAD to cost a bit, so you’re obviously well-off. your attempt a humor at the expense of the charter service will only fuel the misconception that others have regarding aviation. but then ignorance is bliss – and easier to poke fun of. c’mon, you’re a better writer than this.

    • Lynn
      August 29, 2013

      It wasn’t a charter. I’m glad they weighed the bag and if you don’t like my humor why would you read this blog?

  4. Sherry
    August 29, 2013

    Is it just me, or are pilots getting younger and younger? Also doctors! How that 12 year old is my doctor is a mystery to me! Or maybe it’s just that I’m getting so damn OLD!!! And I thought your post was funny. :_)

    • Lynn
      August 29, 2013

      Thanks…so did i

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