This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which i might be having a heart attack … or not


I might be having a heart attack. I’m not sure. My mom had a heart attack and my dad and I sat in the emergency room cracking up about what a “martyr” my mom was. She always had little panic attacks and claimed to be dying. You could have heard a pin drop when the doctor came in and said, “Your wife is having a heart attack” to my dad. It was actually pretty funny in an ironic sort of way.
I’m not really having a heart attack though. I just like to say that. I feel like I can actually hear my blood thrumming through my system. I’m not sure whether my level of Prozac is far off what it needs to be, or whether it’s the excitement of getting a new website or if, in truth, it’s just that kind of day. You need to be some sort of titration specialist to be in charge of my meds. I’m that sort of chemist.

One of the ironic things about being bi-polar is that you’re also very reactive to medication. Therefore, the very things you need to control your moods are sometimes the problem. Most people would just take a pill but for me, the 20mg tablet of Prozac is too much but the 10 mg table of Prozac is too little. Where does that leave me? With liquid Prozac which, by the way, tastes like shit. So every night I take approximately 4.6 ml of liquid Prozac which is equal to about 18.4 mg of Prozac. There you are except, you’re really not there. Because sometimes, I need to go up – or down – a little depending on what’s happening with my mood. I was starting to get a little moody so I upped my Prozac. I’m almost at 5 ml because if I’m good at 5 ml, I can switch to the little 20mg tablet. I like taking the tablet because it’s just so much easier than measuring the liquid. Are you with me here? So I started taking 5 ml the other day and I’m trying to figure out if I’m having an actual heart attack, I’m having anxiety, I’m excited about my website or whether I’m just in my normal state of being somewhat crazy which is a mixture of all of the above.

So that’s where I’m at today. I went to my workout and felt like killing the Pilates instructor because she kept making me do shit and it fucking hurt. Of course, she would tell you that’s the point of the entire exercise program but I’m all about doing things half-assed and actual hurting doesn’t fall under the half-assed category, at least to me it doesn’t. So, I’m bitching and moaning and I can’t balance and I’m whining and I’m telling her and the other woman in class with me that I can’t take it and I’m going to quit and go home. The other woman says that if I quit she will kill me but I don’t give a shit because a) there’s no way I couldn’t take her in a fight. Sure she’s fit but I’m a really dirty fighter and b) I just really don’t give a shit.

One of my workout philosophies is that if I don’t want to do it, I don’t do it. I find that if I make myself do something I don’t want to do; I end up resenting it and quit it in the long run. Since in this case the long run is my life, I try not to make myself hate working out. How do I do this? By making it a CHOICE rather than a requirement. So, if I hit a day where I don’t want to work out, I don’t. On the other hand, since I was in the middle of a class I was also trying to tough it out without actually killing any of the people around me. All of this while having a FUCKING heart attack, or panic attack, or an attack of my mental and emotional issues. … or whatever the hell was going on.

That’s where I’m at today. I came home to write some entries but in lieu of my crazy psychotic thinking I haven’t actually gotten anywhere. I’m just going to call it a day and try not to get on the internet because I can see that this is a DANGER: IMPULSE BUY type of day. So, hopefully I’ll be around tomorrow to write something more worthy. Or maybe not. I really don’t give a shit. Did I tell you this was MY blog?

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10 Comments

  1. Karla Telega
    December 10, 2010

    I actually started a new med a year ago that caused a weird blip on the ekg radar. The doctor said, stop the medication, and if you have a major coronary, come back in. “So you want me to drive 10 miles to a daytime clinic while I’m having a heart attack?” Okey dokey.

    • Lynn
      December 10, 2010

      Hahaha…that’s so funny …kind of. Sometimes I’m just humming but other times, not so much.

  2. Renee
    December 10, 2010

    This seemed a proper post to me.
    Isn’t that the point of having a blog?
    For ranting and raging and gloating. And telling the world “This is MY day and I’ll have it however I want!”. (foot stomp optional)

    • Lynn
      December 10, 2010

      Yeah…I’m not too clear on why I have a blog but I am doing or saying whatever I want. Anyways, I am having fun so I’ll just go with the flow. Thanks for the comment.

  3. LilPixi
    December 10, 2010

    I used to have the EXACT SAME issue with Prozac. I eventually just realized that, for me, I actually feel best off all medications. I experimented with so many for too many years, and too many doctors. To realize in the end they all made me worse in some way than helped me. Can be a real toughie dealing with those meds.

    Hope you start to feel a lil better over the weekend & that nothing’s actually wrong physically.
    I love, love, love this new site. I hope to make the switch to a better one someday when I have more readers.

    • Lynn
      December 10, 2010

      Well…I need the stuff and just go with the mood flow at this point. But, I did buy a Gingerbread House today so get your ass to NC! Hahaha…kidding

  4. LilPixi
    December 10, 2010

    I completely agree many people actually do need it & does help. I just think I was one of those kids who didn’t, and was only a young kid, but probably do now. lol. It just doesn’t help when your own body won’t adjust easily. I’ve been there. My mother could never live without her Prozac. She has a terrible time if she ever goes without.

    Nice! That will be fun! I honestly do wish I could be the traveling gingerbread lady. Haha

    • Lynn
      December 10, 2010

      Yeah…different people, different reactions. I like taking it…makes me less moody. The gingerbread kit I bought isn’t even close to that house you made but…I love to bake but that painstaking stuff is for the birds!!!

  5. Theresa Sonoda
    December 10, 2010

    Getting a t-shirt made with your workout philosophy “if I don’t want to do it, I don’t do it.” I just adopted it. I don’t give a shit either.

    God that felt good.

    Terri

    • Lynn
      December 10, 2010

      Hahaha…I’m cracking up here…my husband is gonna shit because he already feels like I’ve ruined half the wives in this city with my philosophies and now…I’m expanding. If you don’t force it, you keep doing it. If it’s forced, at least for me…I quit! We should make t shirts. We might make a bobble head of me in Hooker Boots!!!! Hahaha

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