This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
In which i offer to be the keynote speaker at BlogHer
Dear BlogHer,
Or actually, Dear people who run BlogHer,
… or at least Dear people who read the emails and pleas that come into BlogHer,
I see that you’ve decided to throw a little party in San Diego on the weekend of August 5th. It looks like lots of fun but there’s only one problem with this scenario. My aunt is hosting a family reunion up in Maine during the EXACT SAME WEEKEND. Now, last year when she discussed the reunion with me, I didn’t know that I would soon become a blogger of some note and, as such, that I would need to attend your event. But, indeed, that has come to pass. Alas, my parents (being deceased and all) have ceded over all family decisions to my aunt, who insists that I attend said reunion. I really don’t blame her, as it would be no reunion without me: the absolutely, positively most fun person in the family.
So you see, people of the BlogHer Empire, I am simply not available to come to your convention… Except I kinda want to come to the convention. I have connected with tons of people online and I’m sure they’re all dying to meet me. Luckily for you, I have come up with the PERFECT plan that will certainly require my attendance. As I can’t miss my family reunion without one hell of an excuse, I have decided to offer myself to BlogHer as your “KEYNOTE SPEAKER.”
That’s right, close your jaw: your “KEYNOTE SPEAKER.” Now, I can read your minds and see you’re thinking, “Why the hell would we want Lynn MacDonald (aka All Fooked Up) to be our Keynote Speaker?” I’m here to tell you right now.
I’m sure in the past that you’ve gotten some famous blogger to come up there and go all yada, yada, yada on blogging and the blogging world and how to make an impact and, well, other assorted shit. Sure, they’re famous, but I have one word to say in response to that: PREDICTABLE! Yeah, you heard me: predictable. EVERYBODY gets a famous person for their keynote address. I’ve been to conventions and conferences before, I know the drill. But shouldn’t you, the epitome of women’s blogging, be a trendsetter? Shouldn’t you break out of that mould? I think you should and here’s why:
1) I’m free – not as in I have a lot of extra time (I do), but as in I won’t charge you for my words of wisdom.
2) I have taken the liberty of writing all the groups you have listed down and feel that I can represent the entirety of women bloggers and I will address each individual group one by one:
Career – Hell, I had a career, multiple times. Even though I was repeatedly fired I don’t think you should hold that against me.
Entertainment – I’m entertaining; I’m funny as hell, and if you mean the entertainment industry I singlehandedly support everything from smut websites to movies to video games. So yeah… got that covered.
Family – Shit, I got a family, kids and all. Any questions?
Feminism – Sure, why not? Feminism is great! I think women kick ass, and we certainly wouldn’t have all these damn wars going on if women were in charge.
Food – Have you seen a picture of me? Hellz yeah I eat, don’t really cook much but you can’t have everything. Hey, but I can bake!
Fun – Seriously, do I have to point this out to you? SERIOUSLY?
Green – I recycled even before it was a big deal; I waste other resources like mad, but don’t be a hater.
Health – Hey, no one knows more about being unhealthy than me, so I’ll just use myself as an example of “what not to do.”
Home and garden – Got both: live in a swell house and have trees and shit all over the place although mostly on the outside.
Life – Are you kidding me? I’m awesome! Isn’t that apparent?
Love & Sex – Well, my kids don’t love me but my husband does, and just by the mere fact that I have three kids indicates that I’ve had sex… so there you are.
Money – I love money and strongly recommend having it.
News and politics – I read good! Just kidding … I read well. I know a senator personally…is that good enough?
Style – Well, you can’t have everything, now can you?
Tech – Hell yeah, I know all about tech. I used to be a computer programmer and at present own every device known to mankind.
So, yeah… I think I covered that I am representative of all aspects of women blogging so I feel pretty good about number 2.
3) I’m funny so whatever I say will be entertaining and enthralling. I’m even willing to play by your rules and speak to whatever subject you want me to.
4) I can speak extemporaneously (if I could spell it that is). I don’t even need to write my speech down. Just give me a couple of Coronas and a stool up there and I could ramble on for hours.
5) I’ll be tan… I don’t know if this is a factor for you but I’m always pretty tan in the summer, so you don’t have to worry about me coming out there and getting sunburnt.
6) I got spit on at SeaWorld once. That’s right, you heard me. I was picked out of the audience randomly and then when I raised my arms the damn whale soaked me with a mouthful of water. What does that have to do with anything? Well, obviously I’m that person in the crowd who’s special, that’s what.
7) I’m a newbie, so I can speak to all the people about getting started
8) But I’m old, so I’m representative of age groups that aren’t just women with little kids.
9) I’m a mom…
10) I’m a daughter…
11) I’m a sister…
12) I’m a leader…
13) I’m a follower…
14) I’m full of shit…
So BlogHer, I could obviously go on for hours here and have this one plea go into multiple pages, but I think I’ll just wrap it up by saying, hey, I’m offering; it’s a helluva deal for you guys, so you should take me up on it. All you have to do is email my aunt to get me out of my reunion, and I’m yours.
Yours truly,
Lynn MacDonald aka All Fooked Up
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I’m sure the organisers of BlogHer will be on the phone as I type, begging you to speak. If not then come over to CyberMummy in the UK—it’s in June so maybe you won’t have a prior family engagement. Plus you’d get to meet me!
I’m totally available in June so there you are! I would crack up if I heard from BlogHer for anything other than “take our logo down”…and yet, I’m waiting by the phone…
You will never catch me standing up to speak. Ever. I’ll throw up more than I did on my 21st.
…actually on my 21st I had bronchitis and strep. So… bad example. But I could totally see you getting up there and entertaining people. I’ll bring the Corona.
Actually, I get nervous too! But, that’s what the beer is for.
Nothing worse than a predictable blogging conference, that’s what i always say.
Hahaha…Heather, thanks for commenting. I figured it was a good idea, for me at least.
Well, Lynn, let me ask you this: If I emailed your aunt and said we NEEDED you to come keynote, would she ever know the difference if you didn’t?
What are the chances she’s going to show up at BlogHer the weekend of her big family reunion anyway?
:)
Hahaha…good point. But I never lie so it would need to be true. Plus, I’m pretty psyched now at the thought of being the key ote speaker. I’ve never done that before!
Well, then I would suggest submitting to our Voices of the year Community Keynote when we open up for submission in a couple of months. That’s the closing keynote on the first night and consists of blog readings by 15 community members. One of the categories is even Humor, so it should be right up your alley :)
I talked to my aunt and she said if I got an excuse, I could go..so there you are! The balls in your court!
Omg, that was hilarious!! And so nicely done!!
Hahaha. HOW could they refuse that? In all seriousness. lol.
I think that’s an epic post.
Yeah…I love writing letters…haven’t yet heard from them yet…but it’s still early
Even before I heard you were spat upon by a whale at SeaWorld, I knew I loved you (I have also been the recipient spit from Shamu, so clearly we areTHAT special).
I would sign up to attend BlogHer in a heartbeat if you were the keynote speaker.
Too bad the organizers don’t give a rat’s ass if I were there or not, but I’ve got your back.
LOVED every word of this. Carry on.
hahaha… i was spit on by Cando (i think she was the female one…a really long time ago) but it would be funny huh? I’m sure that the organizer’s give a rats ass if you were there… i mean HELLO? they don’t just want a bunch of boring people…they totally need the women who were spit on. Of course, i thought i was the ONLY person ever spit on at SeaWorld…boy was i surprised when it happened but my husband cracked up. Or was he my fiancee at the time? i can’t remember. Thanks for commenting!!!!
I knew I would love your blog. Great bullet points. I especially love, “I’m full of shit”.
Thank you…yeah, I have no problem admitting I’m full of shit…it’s one of my most favorite traits! Welcome aboard All Fooked Up!
I’d go if you were the keynote speaker. I’d even bring the Coronas. Do you want lime?
Of course I need a lime! You can’t have Corona without a lime…sheesh! Well, that’s already two more people who would go If i spoke…plus me is three…I’m a huge draw!
Okay, I love that you are full of shit… but I actually lol’ed at “I recycled even before it was a big deal; I waste other resources like mad, but don’t be a hater.”
Brilliant.
Thank you…but it’s true…it’s one of the very few ways that i’m an excellent person. That, and i pick up my popcorn container after the movie is over. I like the name of your blog by the way. I’m trying to recruit people to go with me to BlogHer so that they’ll see i’m an incredible asset. So far, i’m up to two…not including me.
I know my blog will never amount to much, so I have no plans to learn any more about the blogosphere (I HATE that term, but I use it all the time – see how out of touch I am??).
I hope you DO go, and bust some guts one way or the other!
Hahaha…I’m not sure what this blog will amount to either but I’m sure having fun right now…and I supper thats all that matters.
OH MY GOD, where do I go to cast my Vote? (be nice Lynn). I’m all about having you for the Keynote. That would be the funnest convention ever. I am going, by the way, so I would very much like some decent entertainment.
So IF you can’t Keynote speak, maybe a table top next door at Chili’s?? We could all meet (and by WE I mean……hell I don’t know) there and have some babybacks and margaritas, while YOU fill us full of your wisdom, wit and bullshit.
I’m up for either venue.
Soooooooooooooo Funny!
Terri
I think we are going to need a write in campaign to BlogHer…what do you say? I had great fun writing the letter. Even my kids laughed…and that’s no small task!
Well, you are pretty darn convincing! I think you have covered all the bases.
Thank you…I think so too!!
You are totally key note speaker material. You got my vote!
Well, thank you. Now we just have to convince the BlogHer people of that!
You’ve got my vote. If anybody wanted to give me a vote.
hahaha…i think i’m up to 5 votes…practically a done deal at this point!
What I want to know (because after reading this it is a surety that you are in, baby) is…
How will you be introduced?
Full of Shit But Really Tan Non-Cooking Fun Mom with Gadgets?
Well…how bout you introduce me! Seems it’s harder to get the gig than I thought though. No invite yet!
If you end up going, seriously, I’m driving down from LA.
Hahaha…well, I’m massively campaigning for the job…so we shall see!
Well, you covered all the bases, and you have me convinced.
Good luck, you stand as good a chance as any, right? Gotta play to win.
HAHAHA…i totally agree with you. Nothing ventured nothing gained is what i like to say. Of course, my husband pointed out that i’d have a heart attack if i had to stand up there for 45 minutes but i’m willing to roll the dice and see. Thanks for dropping by!
I think that Lynn should write the speech but that I should read it. That should create all sorts of good drama- a man giving the keynote speech that was written by a woman during BlogHer.
I have a relatively deep voice, but would be happy to speak in a falsetto, if needed. Or if you really want drama let me write the speech and talk about what women need. Of course if you do that please provide me with a secret exit so that I can exit the area safely and with all body parts intact.
Jack @ TheJackB recently posted..The Benefits of Blogging
That’s a great idea…i would love to know what women need as I’m not even sure about what I need…hahaha..
having a hard time working out the whole “key note” thing thus far
thanks for the suggestion
Whatever it is you need might change ten minutes after you say that you need it. ;) Maybe what you needed was some obnoxious man to start leaving ridiculous comments on posts that are 6 months old. ;)
Jack @ TheJackB recently posted..Memorial Day- Thank You To Our Service People
hahaha…i always need “ridiculous” in my life … ALWAYS
well hell, if you’re ever speaking anywhere in NYC, I’ll definitely come by.
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well, is that where you live? sadly, i have to submit for voices of the year…just like everyone else :{
I cannot see why BlogHer wouldn’t have texted you already mate, jeez with a proposal like you’re in with a grin. When you do go can you like take me as your plus one or something. Not only can I talk, in English, but I can read and write too. Cool eh.
I know right? And I’ve been working on my tan too!!! What more do they want?