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In which i ponder cleanliness



I just realized that I’m posting this on Kevin’s Birthday!  Happy Birthday Kevin!!!

 

Wow! It’s only 10:30 and I’ve already accomplished all sorts of shit today!  I know I shouldn’t sound excited but I’m a feast or famine person; I’m either in major accomplishment mode or very frankly, I’m a slug.  I think the default mode for me is slug.  It’s not like I don’t do anything in slug mode, I mean when the hell do you think this blog gets written, but I certainly don’t accomplish much else and there are people in this household who have less than positive feelings about my blog.  I won’t mention names but basically the other four members of my family.

 

At any rate, today I woke up actually feeling human and decided that things around here looked like a wreck.  On top of that Kevin asked me if “I had time in my busy day to make a return?” and I’m pretty sure that he was being sarcastic as I don’t believe in busy days therefore NEVER have them.

 

So I worked out and made a RETURN for Kevin and then I decided to go to the grocery store.  Yup! A major decision for me but I haven’t been around in two weeks and we really needed some stuff.

 

While I explained the other day that I provided a vital function in the house (see here), when the kids ran up to the store they basically only bought the necessary things THEY needed like milk and bread and Chex Mix.  Hmmmm…I suppose they are ready for a North Carolina snowstorm since there’s always a run on milk and bread when they predict snow around here.

 

However, I had been informed yesterday that we needed a TON of cleaning stuff and the like and here’s what I discovered.  Keeping your house CLEAN is very expensive.  You know how you check out of the grocery store with your little VIP card and then they inform you that you saved money?  I love that.

 

Cashier:          Mrs. MacDonald.  FANTASTIC NEWS!! You just saved $28.34 today!

Me:                  That IS FANTASTIC news.  How much did I spend?

Cashier:          ummmm… $240.00

Me:                  Well, I’m SOOOOOO happy now!

Cashier:          Really?

Me:                  Yes!  It’s a rare day that I can spend that much to save that much, you know?

Cashier:          (actually, she didn’t say anything but looked at me with a blank look)

It cracks me up.  The only possible way to save that much money is to spend a shitload of money and guess what?  I didn’t even buy any damn food.  Nope, yesterday I was informed that we were out of EVERYTHING required to keep this place running.

 

Laundry detergent (I bought two…I hate buying this shit so I buy it in quantities), Bon Ami, Pledge, Swiffer Duster refills, glass cleaner, Mr. Clean (I buy a ton of the buff guy so when I open the cabinet I automatically feel fit!), Clorox, Tilex: you name it, I bought it.

 

Oh and lets not forget the 8 pack of Bounty and the toilet paper.  You see this stuff doesn’t even register on the radar of my household until we run out.  Then it’s all like “mom, we don’t have any Kleenex” or “mom, we don’t have any toilet paper” or “mom, we don’t have any soap” and all of a sudden, I’m important.

 

I realized how much cheaper it would be to be a slob.  The laundry detergent alone cost me $40 and honestly, the minute you wash the clothes people just wear them again and make them dirty and smelly.  So I started thinking. (I know right? Bad idea!)  What a crock of shit!  There’s no way that a huge thing of laundry detergent should be $20.   I have to pay for the Tide, buy the washing machine, pay for the water, not to mention the fact that I’m actually forbidden doing the laundry (see here) so I have to pay somebody to do that too!  It’s crazy!

 

And then there are the bathrooms, which require a myriad of products.  The dishes, the floors, dusting, vacuuming (alright, that doesn’t actually cost much), and other assorted bullshit.  It just makes more sense to have a filthy house.  After all, no matter how CLEAN it is, my house looks like it was hit by a hurricane with the sheer amount of junk that my kids dump all over it.

 

When everyone is home, like now, there are flip-flops, books, blankets, sunglasses, keys and slugs (AKA my kids) all over the place.  So what’s the point of keeping stuff clean if my decoration is a bunch of kids sprawled all over the place?

 

Well, I don’t really need an answer.  I was just pondering the merits of cleanliness.  After all, isn’t it next to godliness and I’m already completely fucked there.

 

I’m just saying…

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27 Comments

  1. Katja Brown
    August 17, 2011

    If you have a Costco or Sam’s Club membership you only need to buy your cleaning supplies every couple of months because it comes in such big quantities that you don’t run out (even if your house gets run over by a whole army of your kids and their friends that don’t want to leave your pool)!

    • Lynn
      August 17, 2011

      I have actually never been to Costco…it’s on the other side of town

      • Katja Brown
        August 17, 2011

        I could do without the “Katja Brown” or whoever recently posted underneath the comment!

      • Julie Bernucci
        August 23, 2011

        I retract my criticism. You are writing for a mom audience like yourself and I’m not one. So I don’t think my critcism is valid.

        • Lynn
          August 23, 2011

          I’m not writing for any particular audience, I just write about my life which certainly does include mom experiences. Also women experiences.

  2. By Word of Mouth Musings
    August 17, 2011

    Ack, God loves all his children – even the ones with potty mouths like yours (yes, i know you either rolled your eyes or laughed at potty mouth)
    House is back on the market, and my children are conditioned to behave like Stepford children … send yours down – i can fix ’em ;)
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Wordy Wednesday. Brainfood.My Profile

    • Lynn
      August 17, 2011

      My kids would kill you having them around. However, one is gone. One more week and i’m rid of the other. Daniel I’ll keep. I’ll take you though

  3. Cara
    August 17, 2011

    That’s why I buy all my household stuff using Amazon’s subscribe and save. You put in how often you need it and they just send it to you. I’m entirely too lazy to actually leave the house to buy stuff.

    • Lynn
      August 17, 2011

      i never heard of that! that sounds awesome…is it more expensive cuz i hate buying stuff like that

  4. Tiffany
    August 17, 2011

    I really need to look into that Amazon thing, the less I have to leave the house, the better. People always tell me to go to costco too, but its in the next town, 20 WHOLE minutes away…screw. that.

    • Lynn
      August 17, 2011

      me too

  5. Eric is Fargo234
    August 17, 2011

    That was the sanest argument for spending the day in my boxers on my patio with a pitcher of margaritas I’ve ever heard. You are an inspiration!

    • Lynn
      August 17, 2011

      I’m glad i could be of help. hahaha

  6. Jayme (RandomBlogette)
    August 17, 2011

    And that is why I don’t clean. ;)

    • Lynn
      August 17, 2011

      good thinking…i don’t either

  7. Pamela D Hart
    August 17, 2011

    Oh Lynn, you are hilarious! But it’s so true. Spend a boat load of money to save money. I tried that on my husband many, many times, but he just tells me I would’ve saved a lot more had I stayed home. Can’t pull the wool over his eyes. Crap.

    Laundry…I think Peg Bundy had the right idea…toss it out when it’s dirty and buy new stuff. You probably don’t save much money that way, but you don’t have to do laundry either! ;-)
    Pamela D Hart recently posted..The Glass is Full and so is Life!My Profile

    • Lynn
      August 17, 2011

      yeah…keeping things all nice and neat is a gigantic pain in the ass

  8. Dianne
    August 17, 2011

    I so I am a new stalker and I have no idea how i found your blog but its very funny!!! it keeps me entertained when I should be working at work.
    I have amazon prime and its the best thing to get. Most of the time its free shipping and it comes in 2 days. I hate shopping so i order alot off that site.

    • Lynn
      August 17, 2011

      Ok, you’re the second person who told me about that so I’m definitely checking it out. and also, thanks for READING!!! SWEET!! (I get excited)
      Lynn recently posted..In which i ponder cleanlinessMy Profile

  9. Lady Estrogen
    August 17, 2011

    That is a GREAT way to look at it!
    I don’t want to be anywhere NEAR that – so I might as well give up.
    Lady Estrogen recently posted..GUY: The Book.My Profile

    • Lynn
      August 17, 2011

      No point…give up

  10. Tazer Warrior Princess
    August 18, 2011

    Shit, well, at least you have kids to blame it on. I’ve got no one but myself to blame the mess on, but somehow the damn house still looks like a hot mess every day.

    • Lynn
      August 18, 2011

      I don’t need it clean, just neat. And yes, there’s a difference.

  11. Julie Bernucci
    August 23, 2011

    I think you should be more personal and relevant in your blog. A list of what you bought at the grocery store is boring, Lynn. You can do better. How do you feel about things? Climate change. Bringing children into a world where everything is going to be upside down in just a few years. Not a list of crap you bought at the store. Try harder.
    18 million people are out of work in this country. 73 million Sommalians are starving to death.

    • Lynn
      August 23, 2011

      Well Julie…the thing is that although I am aware of all that stuff I usually just write fun stuff on my blog. If I feel like addressing stuff, i do, but I usually just go with my mood.

      I did listen to what you said and I’ll think about it

  12. Dianne
    August 23, 2011

    New flash she can write about what she wants on her blog and if you dont like what she has to say then stop reading it. I dont understand why people feel the need to talk down about other peoples blogs.

    • Lynn
      August 23, 2011

      no need to worry…thanks

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