This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!
I was just driving home from dropping my cousin off at Duke and the last thing she asked me was “have you even written a post this week?” Of course, it’s Wednesday and the answer is “NO! I haven’t written a thing in days.”
Of course, mostly this is because I can’t write when people are around and talking to me all the time but also, it usually takes something to inspire me. At any rate, on the way home I was on I-40 driving and while I normally enjoy that drive, two things were annoying me and I wanted to discuss one of them with you.
Well, not actually discuss it with you as I’m typing here and you’re reading it (or not reading it as it were) and that’s not actually considered a discussion but you get my drift, don’t ya? So, I was driving along and I was spacing out and looking at the other cars and I realized that other than left lane drivers (which I’m not going to get into today), my other pet peeve was stupid, insidious bumper stickers.
Now I realize that most people can’t afford to buy the car that best reflects our personality so the only device left for personalizing a car is either “pimping” the car out (which I offered to do for Kevin’s BMW but he refused for some reason which is really too bad because I was thinking flames and leather and … ) or adding some bumper stickers.
Now as you know, or you would if you had read THIS post, I have a bumper sticker on my car that I feel reflects my personality. I don’t have a problem with awesome bumper stickers. It’s the stupid ones that annoy me so I’m going to explain about my top four “I FUCKING HATE THESE” Bumper stickers.
1. My kid is an honor roll student and xyz school.
Ok, seriously? I DON’T FUCKING CARE. Can I be any clearer than that? How insecure are you and your kid that you have to publicize the one mediocre thing your kid did on your car? Do you have any idea of just HOW many kids make the honor roll? A TON! I mean, a whole lot of kids. So big deal. Can’t you just give them a kiss and tell them you’re proud of them? I hate these bumper stickers.
2. My kid is a terrific child.
OH MY GOD!! This is even worse. Can your child not even make The Honor Roll? Of course you think your kid is terrific. I mean, if you don’t your kid is terrific than who the hell does? But once again, I don’t care and moreover, it’s annoying that you’re pandering to the other parents in the world by informing us of that. These look like the type of parents who will eventually tell their kids that they’re the “best” and everything is everybody else’s fault and therefore don’t take any damn responsibility for ones self. Seriously, get that damn sticker off your car. Even if your kid was terrific why broadcast it out to the world?
3. Those stupid family outline stickers.
OH GOD! When I drive up and see a car with the “mom” and the “dad” and the “boy” and the “girl” and the “cat” and the “dog” all I can think of is WHY???? Why is that shit on your window? Nobody but you cares how many kids and pets you have. It’s not like they’re cute or even original. What the hell is up with this “I got an outline of my family shit?” No really. What is up with that?
4. Your monogram.
Yep, lately everyone has their initials in monogram form on their back window. Is that because all cars look the same and if you walk up to a jeep you can say, “oh that’s not mine, those aren’t my initials?” If that’s the reason then I actually get it because I have stood in front of a White Lexus LX470 before pressing my key button and cursing the fact that the car wouldn’t unlock only to discover that “hey, this isn’t my car!”
However, wouldn’t it be better to simply put an awesome bumper sticker on the car so it would be personalized? I mean, I suppose to some extent your monogram is personalized but the concept sure as hell isn’t.
So why, WHY, can’t people at least put interesting bumper stickers on their car? I mean, some people don’t like mine but at least it’s interesting right? I also like the one that says, “Do I look like a people person to you?” That one’s cool.
Or at least a conversation starter like “my daughter’s a crackwhore.” I mean you NEVER see a bumper sticker like that. I realize that there are a lot of “clever” bumper stickers out there like “my child beat up your honor roll student.” These are just plain dumb too. Show a little personality people and if you don’t have one, then just don’t show anything.
I’m just saying …